Chapter 42: Terrible

Normally, Dai Linxuan could have easily handled such a clumsy probe, but he had woken up less than an hour after taking sleeping pills, his body and mind heavy as if filled with lead, dull and groggy.

His heartbeat was erratic, and there were double images before his eyes.

He had almost truly believed that Lai Li remembered but was pretending to have forgotten.

The few seconds Dai Linxuan paused were enough for Lai Li to confirm the answer. The last time he said those words, it was a question; this time, it was a statement—

“Bro, we slept together two years ago.”

Lai Li’s voice was soft yet firm, like ants crawling over Dai Linxuan’s ears. Besides the rustling itchiness, there was the stinging pain of mouthparts piercing into flesh.

Dai Linxuan’s gaze was unfocused, staring vaguely ahead. While prying off the arm wrapped around his waist, he pulled his other hand out from Lai Li’s grasp and pushed him away without looking back.

Caught off guard, Lai Li nearly fell flat on his butt. By the time he reacted, his brother had already pulled out the key and slammed the bathroom door shut. A faint click came from inside—the sound of the lock engaging.

“Dai Linxuan!!”

Lai Li twisted the handle a few times but couldn’t open it, so he started pounding on the door. “I’m giving you ten seconds. If you don’t open it, I’ll kick it down!”

“Ten.”

“Nine.”

“Eight.”

The only response to the countdown was the sound of rushing water, faint and intermittent.

Lai Li lost patience with counting and kicked the door directly. The door, built by the developer, was not only well-insulated but also sturdy, merely shaking slightly. Lai Li regretted it immensely—he shouldn’t have overlooked copying the bathroom key when he duplicated all the room keys last time.

“Dai Linxuan—you can hide from me for a moment, but can you hide from me forever?”

Lai Li’s voice carried into the bathroom. Dai Linxuan spat out the mouthwash, gave himself ten seconds to calm down, then scooped up a handful of cold water and splashed it on his face, washing away the fatigue and weariness between his brows.

He braced himself against the sink, covered his mouth, and coughed a few times. As he did so forcefully, blue veins and blood vessels intertwined on the back of his pale hand, like a vivid line drawing.

His gaze fell on his reflection in the mirror, and Dai Linxuan paused. His hand, which had just been lowered, returned to his lips, rubbing some color into them to make his complexion look less pallid.

Once the sour taste of vomiting was completely gone, he washed his hands with cold water, grabbed a dry towel to wipe them as he walked toward the door.

Just then, Lai Li used a spare key he had found to open the door. Fortunately, Dai Linxuan had stepped back in time, dodging the aggressively swinging doorframe.

When their eyes met, Dai Linxuan had already regained his calm composure, with only a faint redness under his eyes from lack of sleep.

“Even going to the bathroom, you have to follow?” Dai Linxuan sighed softly, unable to resist ruffling Lai Li’s hair on the back of his head. “Just like when you were little.”

“Don’t change the subject.” Lai Li let him touch, his expression cold.

“I’m not.” Dai Linxuan walked to the bedside, bent down to open the drawer, took out a cigarette, and lit it.

He tossed the lighter back, went to the window, and crooked his finger to hook the ashtray from the coffee table to his side. “Since you remember, why bring it up only now?”

Before Lai Li could speak, Dai Linxuan continued, “Carrying it alone for two years—did it feel aggrieved?”

Lai Li frowned. “What nonsense are you spouting? What’s there to feel aggrieved about sleeping with you?”

Dai Linxuan exhaled a ring of smoke. His normally glassy eyes were shrouded in a layer of mist, hazy and indistinct.

Leaning against the neon night glow, he recalled, “That period, my mood wasn’t great. I drank a bit at night and desperately needed an outlet to vent…”

Lai Li interrupted, “Why was your mood bad?”

“…It doesn’t matter.” Dai Linxuan lowered his eyes, looking at the shadows swaying on the floor from the evening breeze. “Since you remember, you should also know about the improper things I did to you after drinking.”

Lai Li narrowed his eyes.

“Although it was only foreplay, it was still a crime. Back then, I was despicable and just wanted to escape. Now that it’s out in the open, handle it however you want. I’m at your disposal.” Dai Linxuan flicked his cigarette ash lightly. “Little Chestnut… you don’t have to endure this grievance.”

Lai Li listened quietly to his nonsense and kindly reminded him, “When you were making up that story, did you forget that if it got real, you couldn’t beat me?”

Dai Linxuan lowered his eyes, the corner of his lips lifting faintly. “Would you really do it to me?”

Lai Li: “…”

“Now, you’d even send yourself to my bed just to keep me from being with other guys. Let alone two years ago…” Dai Linxuan brought the cigarette to his lips, his pinky finger lightly scraping his jaw as it dangled. “Back then, you’d just finished freshman year, much greener than now. A few sweet words would have done it.”

“…………”

“You’re really something, President Dai.” Since Dai Linxuan returned to the country, it was the first time Lai Li was this angry. He asked softly, “Do you think you’re some villain in my eyes who would rape his little brother?”

Dai Linxuan said, “What’s already done—”

Lai Li strode over, snatched the cigarette, took a puff, and stubbed it out. “Then let’s say that’s how it is.”

Dai Linxuan paused, his eyelids twitching slightly.

Lai Li directly pushed Dai Linxuan into the single-seater sofa beside them. He knelt on one knee, pressing down on Dai Linxuan’s thigh to prevent resistance, and braced his hands on both armrests, completely enveloping Dai Linxuan beneath him.

Looking down from above, he exhaled a ring of smoke. “Let me fuck you, and we’ll call it even.”

Dai Linxuan was caught off guard by the smoke and nearly coughed up tears. “You…”

“Isn’t it up to me to handle, at my disposal?” While unbuttoning Dai Linxuan’s pajama top, Lai Li probed his waistband, his tone icy cold. “This is the punishment I’ve sentenced you to, brother.”

Dai Linxuan fiercely grabbed Lai Li’s hand. The composure on his face finally cracked; he stiffened on the sofa, brows furrowing. “Little Chestnut…”

Lai Li stared at his brother’s slightly lowered eyelashes and pressed, “Are you giving it or not?”

They remained locked in this oppressive, restraining position for a long time, as if sexual violence would erupt in the next second.

“Or be honest and tell me exactly what made you uncomfortable that night, enough to make you flee abroad just two days after sleeping together, hiding from me for a full year and a half—seven hundred seventy-seven days!”

The last words were almost roared out by Lai Li.

Dai Linxuan was stunned for a moment. “It was my fault for not handling it well, not considering your feelings…”

From the perspective of two years ago, Lai Li had been almost inseparable from him for ten years. The longest separations were just business trips or school, never exceeding three days.

Once it exceeded three days, Lai Li would stuff a few of his clothes into Dai Linxuan’s suitcase and cling until he was allowed to go along.

But in these two years, they had gone over seven months without seeing each other at most.

Lai Li didn’t want to beat around the bush anymore and cut straight to it. “I was bluffing you, and you knew it, so you’d rather pour shit on yourself than tell me what really happened that night, right?”

If it had been just probing a few days ago, now he was absolutely certain—they had slept together on the night of Dai Linxuan’s twenty-eighth birthday.

It was the only thing that made sense.

And something beyond just sleeping together must have happened, explaining his brother’s sudden departure abroad and all the abnormalities since returning.

Dai Linxuan’s lips moved as if to ask, “Since you forgot, why are you so obsessed?” But the words dissipated in the air before leaving his mouth.

He released Lai Li and placed his hands on the armrests, lifting his calm gaze slightly. “Believe it or not, I didn’t lie to you—do whatever you want. If it makes you feel better.”

Lai Li looked at him for a long while. “And then? You hide for another two years?”

“Where could I hide?” Dai Linxuan met his gaze evenly. “My roots are here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Lai Li straightened up and took two steps back.

Dai Linxuan wasn’t surprised. He turned his face slightly and sighed silently. “Little Chestnut, sometimes you might imagine me… too perfectly. But you’ve seen it these days—I’m not what you think. Maybe I haven’t changed; maybe I’ve always been this terrible, and I might get even worse in the future.”

Dai Linxuan vaguely understood why Lai Li couldn’t accept him liking men.

Although Lai Li bore the title of adopted son of the Dai family, after Dai Enhao’s car accident left him in a vegetative state and Jiang Qiujun was busy with work, with neither of her own two children having time…

Lai Li had no parents; his only close person was his big brother.

They ate and slept together, inseparable all along. During puberty, Lai Li hadn’t entered school on time, and Dai Linxuan hadn’t fulfilled his responsibility as an elder brother figure, imparting correct views on relationships.

Ordinary kids didn’t need teaching; they learned through osmosis and naturally distinguished familial love from romantic love by age, drawing boundaries. But Lai Li’s abnormal experiences from childhood left him lacking empathy, unable to intuit like others.

The only thing Lai Li understood was possession and control.

And Dai Linxuan was the only one he wanted to possess and control—it had nothing to do with love. Dai Linxuan had only recently sorted this out: he was Lai Li’s most intimate emotional anchor, the source of his security. Lai Li needed him within reach and ensured no one could replace him.

So when Lai Li realized another same-sex person might appear by his side, as close as they once were—or even closer—he naturally couldn’t accept it.

Homosexuality was extraneous, while marriage and children were the normal life path, so women were relatively easier to accept.

Unfortunately, Dai Linxuan couldn’t let Lai Li continue having that old sense of security, nor could he guarantee anything. He might disappoint Lai Li even more in the future. Better to lay the groundwork early, draw boundaries early, and give Lai Li time to adjust before everything ended.

…

“Terrible?” Lai Li smiled faintly. “Worse than me?”

Lai Li rarely smiled, and when he deliberately lifted the corners of his mouth, it gave an uncomfortable sense of dissonance.

Dai Linxuan knitted his brows slightly. “You’re fine.”

Lai Li pushed apart his brother’s knees and slowly half-knelt down, resting his face on his brother’s lap. “Bro…”

—You’d better not turn into anything “terrible,” or I don’t know what I might do.

Dark clouds gathered on the horizon in Lai Li’s mind, waves surged on the sea, countless memory fragments bobbed and sank, on the verge of surfacing. At the seabed, even more were suppressed—

“I didn’t lie to you either… Bro, I really don’t have a habit of blacking out.”

Dai Linxuan’s hand hovered over Lai Li’s head, his fingertips trembling twice before gently ruffling it. “Got it. Aren’t you tired from making a fuss in the middle of the night? Let’s sleep.”

Lai Li lay there for a while before getting up.

Dai Linxuan didn’t speak again. His broad, thin palm lightly stroked Lai Li’s hair as his gaze turned to the prosperous yet cold city nightscape outside the window.

If Lai Li couldn’t adapt… how was he supposed to live the next few decades?

Lai Li lay there for five minutes before rising, who knew what he was thinking. Dai Linxuan didn’t ask. His body smelled of smoke, so he went to the bathroom for another shower.

He didn’t tell Lai Li to go back to the secondary bedroom. Based on his understanding of Lai Li, they would sleep together no matter what tonight.

But they didn’t.

When Dai Linxuan came out of the shower, the bedroom was empty. He pivoted on his toes and glanced toward the secondary bedroom, finding its door open and the bed empty too.

No one was anywhere in the house.

Dai Linxuan checked his phone. Five minutes ago, Lai Li had opened the front door and taken the elevator out—who knew where he was going so late.

Dai Linxuan walked to the window. The residential area below was dimly lit by streetlights, with only a stray tabby cat strolling about, no human figures in sight. The wind rustled through the evergreen shrubs, sounding desolate, while the surrounding trees stood bare.

Maybe Lai Li would adapt faster than he imagined.

After all, no person or feeling was irreplaceable; time would dilute everything.

Dai Linxuan returned to bed and opened the WeChat chat with Lai Li, typing “Be safe.” He paused before sending, then deleted it.

There were bodyguards following anyway; no need for extra words.

Just as he set down the phone, something occurred to him, and he messaged Jing Deyu: Have you ever seen Little Chestnut black out from drinking?

The night owl replied instantly.

[Jing Deyu]: Haven’t paid attention, but probably not.

[Jing Deyu]: His tolerance is great. He only collapses when he gets home or after confirming you’re picking him up, then naps a bit.

[Jing Deyu]: Lai Li never got wild after drinking. Don’t worry, Big Bro Dai.

“…” Dai Linxuan didn’t know what he was supposed to feel relieved about. He replied, Got it, thanks.

He rubbed the edge of his phone, uncertain what Lai Li meant by that line, “I really don’t black out.” Lai Li truly didn’t remember… If it wasn’t because of blacking out, then what could it be?

The phone chimed two more times—it was a pair of voice messages from Lai Li.

Dai Linxuan stared at them for a moment before tapping to play. The howling wind provided a backdrop to Lai Li’s cold, heavy voice—

“Bro, I don’t care what exactly happened two years ago, but from now on, either don’t touch anyone else, or you can only touch me.”

“I’ll give you time to think it over. Give me your answer before the shareholders’ meeting.”

Dai Linxuan: “…………”