Chapter 45: Stuck… It’s Stuck in My Teeth!

【Chen Ji, you bastard—!】 Second Master Huang stood atop the rock with one paw on his hip and the other jabbing at Chen Ji’s nose, unleashing a torrent of curses. 【Who the hell am I doing this for? You’re laughing! You’re still fucking laughing—!】

【Try laughing again! Go on, laugh!】

The young man’s excessively pale skin flushed a thin pink from his laughter, and sparkling tears glimmered in eyes that were usually so calm and serene. He doubled over in mirth before pulling the slender, dainty yellow weasel into his arms and planting a firm kiss on top of its head.

Second Master Huang immediately began to stammer. 【…Y-You, you you you—how dare you act like a thug?! Kissing me won’t work! I’m telling you, your Second Grandpa isn’t that kind of person!】

Chen Ji ruffled Second Master Huang’s head vigorously. “Second Grandpa is just too adorable. I couldn’t help myself… A yellow weasel as cute as you deserves to be kissed to death by humans!”

Second Master Huang: 【Wha… what the hell?!】

Nearby, the elegantly patterned Five-Step Snake raised its head high. It never bowed its head anyway, and its ice-jade eyes narrowed its black pupils into slits, radiating a dangerous allure. Chen Ji swiftly retreated several steps, eyeing it warily.

It wasn’t that he was being cowardly. He simply couldn’t afford to tangle with it. Out here in the deep woods, getting bitten—even by an ordinary Five-Step Snake—would be more than his recently recovered body could handle. He’d barely survive, and amputation would be the least of his worries… He truly couldn’t play these games.

Second Master Huang also noticed the Five-Step Snake lifting its head and bared its teeth with a snarl. 【What are you sidling over for? Looking for a fight?!】

The Five-Step Snake’s voice was hoarse and languid. 【Kis… kiss?】

For a moment, Second Master Huang and Chen Ji were both struck speechless, unsure of how to respond. After several awkward seconds of silence, Second Master Huang leaped three feet into the air. 【Get lost! Don’t you know what you are? No human would kiss something like you! Beat you and take you home to brew into wine, maybe!】

This was the honest truth. Throughout history, people brewed snake wine from Five-Step Snakes, but no one had ever heard of brewing weasel wine.

A scarlet tongue flicked out from the snake’s mouth, tasting the air. Chen Ji held Second Master Huang back. “It’s all a misunderstanding… Snake Grandpa, I’ve brought offerings. Care to try some?”

The Five-Step Snake slowly lowered its body. 【Good…】

No one knew exactly how things had escalated to this point, but in the end, Chen Ji, Second Master Huang, and the Five-Step Snake sat together. Chen Ji enjoyed his self-heating hot pot, while Second Master Huang and the Five-Step Snake devoured quails.

The quails were pet food Chen Ji had bought—one pack freeze-dried quail, the other boiled quail. Second Master Huang clutched the freeze-dried quail and chomped half a bird at a time, crunching away with relish.

Chen Ji placed the boiled quail, bag and all, on top of his self-heating hot pot to warm it up. The heated quail was no different from freshly boiled, exuding the distinctive aroma of poultry. The meat was tender and silky, warm as if alive, and even the bones crumbled easily under teeth. The Five-Step Snake simply lay there, swallowing them down slowly.

Chen Ji slurped some glass noodles before using the boiling water to prepare a cup of Xiang Piaopiao for each of the two yokai. This stuff remained undefeated atop Little Azure Mountain. Whenever Second Master Huang’s mouth grew dry from chewing, he scooted over for a sip. The Five-Step Snake was even bolder, coiling its body around the milk tea cup into a tight bundle and resting its head on the rim. After gulping down a quail, it dunked its head into the cup to lick.

Sometimes, Chen Ji felt a profound sense of disconnect. Were the Second Master Huang and Five-Step Snake before him— utterly enchanted by quails and milk tea—really the same creatures as those that had been out for his blood?

—Yes, they absolutely were.

He had experienced it firsthand: how Second Master Huang’s Dharma Image had chased him down relentlessly, how it had infiltrated everywhere to lure him into its Boundary Domain. That made the contrast all the sharper.

【Chen Ji!】 Second Master Huang nudged Chen Ji’s knee with a small forepaw. 【More quail! Different flavor! I want the hot ones too!】

Chen Ji obliged without hesitation. The man and two yokai feasted contentedly. Then Second Master Huang grew bold and shoved the Five-Step Snake. The snake slowly turned its head to regard it. 【…Some…thing?】

Second Master Huang said matter-of-factly, 【Chen Ji needs herbs. Whatever good stuff you’ve got, spill it! Or are you so shameless you’ll scarf down the offerings and slack off?】

The Five-Step Snake’s inorganic eyes fixed on Second Master Huang before shifting to Chen Ji. It pointed with the tip of its tail toward the woods to the right. 【Over… there… have…】

Second Master Huang nodded in satisfaction and lifted its small head. 【Chen Ji, follow me!】

Chen Ji rose and politely thanked the Five-Step Snake. “Many thanks for the guidance, Snake Grandpa.”

【Mm…】 The Five-Step Snake murmured an acknowledgment before plunging its head back into the milk tea cup and licking furiously. Chen Ji glanced at the milk tea—a full liter, and barely any had gone down. At this rate, it would be licking until tomorrow afternoon.

Seeing no further information forthcoming from the Five-Step Snake, Chen Ji turned to follow Second Master Huang. Just as he was about to plunge into the woods, something occurred to him—wait, wasn’t this the same Five-Step Snake he’d flicked away earlier? The color matched: pale dead-leaf tones, with a faint purple sheen visible in the sunlight.

…Ah?

In that brief pause, Chen Ji heard Second Master Huang yelp from ahead, followed by a dull thud and a stream of cursing. 【Damn snake! It’s a slope here—! Covered in fucking Grandma’s Needles! I knew it had bad intentions! Fuck its ancestors eighteen generations over!】

Grandma’s Needle, also known as Ghost Needle Grass, was a plant that sprouted thorn balls after flowering. They stung painfully, itched terribly, and were prone to infection.

Chen Ji parted the branches and leaves for a look. There was Second Grandpa, standing miserably at the bottom of the steep slope, spinning like a top to shake himself off. His fur was festooned with black thorn balls. If not for the distance, Chen Ji would have fled on the spot.

From behind came the Five-Step Snake’s voice. 【Serves… you… right…】

Chen Ji: “…Pfft.”

Second Master Huang was nearly apoplectic, flinging thorn balls wildly while cursing the Five-Step Snake. Chen Ji glanced back; the snake remained coiled around its milk tea cup, licking away leisurely.

Once he’d had his laugh, Chen Ji beckoned to Second Master Huang. “Second Grandpa, stop flinging them. Come here—I’ll pick them off for you.”

Second Master Huang charged up cursing a blue streak, but his first target wasn’t Chen Ji; it was the Five-Step Snake not far behind him, clearly spoiling for a fight. Chen Ji certainly didn’t want them scrapping—how would he fare next time he entered the woods alone? So he deftly scooped it up by the tail and hauled it back. Fortunately, the tail was flexible, and most of the thorn balls had already been flung off, sparing Chen Ji any pricks.

【Fucking let me go! I’m gonna kill it!】 Second Master Huang thrashed nonstop.

Chen Ji dangled Second Master Huang with a cheerful grin and addressed the Five-Step Snake. “Please forgive us, Snake Grandpa.”

By now, the Five-Step Snake’s head was fully submerged in the milk tea. If not for its tongue flicking in and out, it might have passed for a toy.

Chen Ji set Second Master Huang down and pinched its small head between two fingers. “Stay still, Second Grandpa. Let’s get these thorn balls off first, okay…”

Second Master Huang shot the Five-Step Snake a vicious glare but went still.

Chen Ji pulled a pair of pliers from his bamboo basket.

Second Master Huang: 【…?! What the hell are you doing?!】

“Don’t want to prick my hands. Just bear with it, Second Grandpa.” The hefty pliers felt light and nimble in Chen Ji’s hands. Each time they touched down, they pinched away one or two thorn balls. “Snake Grandpa didn’t mean it…”

【Bullshit!】 Second Master Huang hopped mad. 【Who else could it be?! Grandma’s Needles aren’t blooming this time of year!】

Chen Ji stifled his laughter and continued soothing Second Master Huang. He was, after all, a callous human. While sympathizing with Second Master Huang, he was delighted to note how abundant the dandelions were here—the entire slope was covered. Harvesting it all would yield at least three or five jin.

The 8839 System’s task only required ten jin of herbs total—no specifics on type—so naturally, the cheapest and easiest to find were best. There were plenty of Acorus and Mugwort growing by the Pingtai Stream; that would round it out nicely.

Minerals were trickier—Chen Ji knew nothing about them—but he could always grab stones and see if the System accepted them.

Chen Ji picked Second Master Huang clean of thorns, then patted it to signal it should go play while he harvested the dandelions. Second Master Huang scoffed and started toward the fat snake still obliviously guzzling milk tea. Suddenly, it heard Chen Ji let out a small cry. It whipped around to see a thorn ball dangling from Chen Ji’s fingertip, bright red blood welling up swiftly from the skin.

【…How do you fuck up everything?! Injured doing this piddly shit?】 Second Master Huang doubled back, kicking Chen Ji in the process for good measure. Its Dharma Image materialized, snatching the sickle from Chen Ji’s hand. 【Go play somewhere else.】

Chen Ji eyed Second Master Huang in mild surprise. “Second Grandpa, I can handle it…”

【Any more politeness and you’re crossing the line!】 Second Master Huang snapped impatiently. 【Quit holding up the show!】

Chen Ji didn’t argue further and handed over the bamboo basket. Second Master Huang worked with impressive efficiency. Unlike Chen Ji, it feared no thorn balls. One swipe of its claw with the sickle reaped a hefty bunch, which it slammed against the ground twice beforehand to dislodge the thorns before tossing it into the basket.

Chen Ji’s eyes widened in astonishment—this was the first time he’d seen a yellow weasel harvesting grass with a sickle!

Second Master Huang caught Chen Ji’s gaze and preened inwardly, though its mouth remained sharp. 【What are you staring at? Get to the side before you hurt yourself again!】

Chen Ji obligingly stepped back a few paces. The branches and leaves closed up, obscuring Second Master Huang. Suddenly, he felt something brush his pant leg. He looked down to find the Five-Step Snake’s tail lightly patting his leg on and off.

Chen Ji’s blood ran cold. Then he heard the Five-Step Snake say, 【Down… there… round… ones… can’t… reach… to… eat…】

“…” Chen Ji paused for a beat before crouching to spear a pearl with a nearby straw. “Is this what Snake Grandpa wants?”

The Five-Step Snake nodded slowly and inched closer to Chen Ji, parting its jaws slightly. Tender white flesh lined its mouth, cradling curved fangs that tapered to needle-sharp tips glinting coldly.

Chen Ji’s heart skipped. He shoved the straw straight into the Five-Step Snake’s mouth and released his thumb on the other end. The pearl slid right in.

The Five-Step Snake closed its mouth. Its cheeks bulged rhythmically as the pearl rolled around inside its oral cavity. Even its slit pupils rounded into ovals, giving it a look of utmost concentration as it savored the treat.

Chen Ji let out a sigh of relief. Just then, the Five-Step Snake suddenly gaped its mouth wide open, baring its venomous fangs completely. Before Chen Ji could even back away, he heard the Five-Step Snake whine pitifully: 【Stuck… got stuck…】

Chen Ji peered closer and saw that the tip of one fang was indeed lodged in the pearl.

…That… that was pretty normal too! After all, this pearl had even snagged White Tiger’s tooth before! So what was the big deal with the Five-Step Snake? Wasn’t that just inevitable?!