Chapter 21

Tian Yao’s heart was racing. In the silent snowy night, the pounding of his heart seemed exceptionally loud. He pressed his hand over his chest, afraid the violent thumping would wake Yu Nian.

That touch just now was too light, too quick. He’d almost forgotten what kissing Yu Nian felt like. His lips had been warm, and kind of soft, not hard like his arm. If only he could have kissed him a little longer. He bit his own lip, both hands cradling his heart. Who knew when the next time would be.

Tian Yao let out a long breath. Hearing Yu Nian’s breathing remain steady, he shifted closer to him, his forehead resting against Yu Nian’s shoulder. His hand was still on his own pounding heart. A smile on his lips, he closed his eyes.

He fell asleep very quickly. Soon, he was hugging Yu Nian’s arm tightly, his leg also restlessly draped over Yu Nian’s numb, senseless leg.

Yu Nian tucked the corner of the blanket that was letting in air tighter around him. The firecrackers earlier had already woken him. When Tian Yao had come back, he’d wanted to say something to him, but before he could open his eyes, he felt Tian Yao leaning close, the warm breath on his face.

Waking up at that moment would have made things awkward for both of them. He’d had no choice but to steady his breathing again.

Only after sensing Tian Yao had fallen asleep did he open his eyes. He looked at Tian Yao’s sleeping face, an undeniable complexity in his own expression.

The original atmosphere between them had been breached. He could wake up and pretend nothing happened, but that would be too unfair to Tian Yao.

He didn’t know if Tian Yao’s kiss tonight was because he truly liked him, or because their current way of living together had blurred for him the concepts—already difficult to distinguish—of companionship and love.

After spending so much time together, Yu Nian had come to know what kind of person Tian Yao was. He had so many good qualities. It was hard for anyone who spent time with him not to like him.

Yu Nian knew that in his current state, he had no right to talk about like or love. He still carried so many other burdens. Clearing his parents’ names. Reviving the Yu family. But right now, he was a cripple, unable to even help Tian Yao with trivial household chores.

And Feng Zhe—how could he possibly let him live a truly stable life? When he discovered that his life here was actually good, what else would Feng Zhe do?

He couldn’t let him vent his anger on Tian Yao. He couldn’t drag an uninvolved person into this. The Yu family’s tragedy was inextricably linked to the Feng family. Right now, he had absolutely no way to contend with Feng Zhe. All he could do now was marginalize himself a little, hoping that if Feng Zhe came to settle accounts someday, the anger would only fall on him alone.

In his state, what right did he have to talk about liking Tian Yao?

This New Year’s, Tian Yao slept peacefully, harboring a young heart’s crush and his stolen kiss in the snowy night, a faint smile even in sleep.

Yu Nian watched his smile, wanting to reach out and touch his face, but in the end, he pulled his hand back.

Perhaps feeling cold, Tian Yao shifted a little closer to him again.

Yu Nian tucked the corner of his blanket again but still, as had become their habit, didn’t pull him into his embrace.

Tian Yao slept very well that night. He was just slightly startled upon waking and not finding himself resting on Yu Nian’s arm, but it didn’t dampen his good mood in the slightest.

A night of heavy snow had turned the world outside the window a vast expanse of white. He carefully got out of bed, tucked Yu Nian’s blankets securely around him, and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. Little Dad had said that on New Year’s Day, you should eat eggs. Rolling a round egg across the table meant any bad luck would be completely dispelled.

Looking at the egg basket, Tian Yao rubbed his chin. It seemed like he really should raise some chickens. That way, he wouldn’t have to trade with others for eggs; self-sufficiency would be quite good.

There were also a few tangyuan in the kitchen, given by Aunt Shun. Knowing he was young and couldn’t make them himself, Aunt Shun prepared a portion for him every year. This year’s portion was a bit larger, probably because his household now had one more person.

In these times, sugar was precious. Tian Yao bought almost no sugar all year round, only buying a tiny piece when purchasing New Year’s goods. Now, cooked into sweet soup, the tangyuan inside were white and tender, round and plump, looking immensely appetizing.

Yu Nian was awake too, sitting on the bed in a daze. His arm strength was now trained to be excellent. He could get in and out of bed quite nimbly without Tian Yao’s help. Seeing Tian Yao enter, he supported himself with his hands and transferred himself from the bed onto his wheelchair.

“Come, eat some tangyuan. After we eat, we’ll head to the temple. There’s a temple fair today. It’ll definitely be lively.”

Huailing Village didn’t have its own temple fair. There were three nearby villages: Huailing, Huaidi, and Yanghuai. The temple fair was located at the intersection of the three villages. There was a Futong Temple there, which normally had a steady stream of worshippers.

The melting snow made the road difficult to traverse. The ground was muddy everywhere. But the sky was still overcast today, and there might be another heavy snowfall in the evening. Tian Yao pushed Yu Nian outside. On the un-shoveled snow, a set of wheel tracks and a pair of Tian Yao’s footprints stretched side-by-side, growing farther away.

Today was New Year’s Day. Gers, wives, and some children who normally rarely went out would carry a few coins and stroll around, looking at things. Spotting some novelty sold by a roadside vendor, they might take an extra glance, but being shy of money, most only looked and didn’t buy.

The vendors didn’t mind. It was the New Year; everyone’s faces held smiles.

But Tian Yao didn’t have the leisure to browse the market goods. They had more important business. It was just that today, the first day of the New Year, there were quite a few worshippers at Futong Temple, so they even had to queue to offer incense.

Tian Yao normally never entered temples. His Little Dad hadn’t liked going either. From childhood, the thinking Little Dad instilled in Tian Yao was that relying on yourself was better than praying to gods. But today, Tian Yao wanted to offer a stick of incense to the Bodhisattva. He wanted to, just this once, try a shortcut—hoping the Bodhisattva could bless Yu Nian’s legs to heal again.

He didn’t want the wheelchair to trap Yu Nian for his entire life.

He bought incense and candles outside, then pushed Yu Nian into the main hall of the Bodhisattva. Before entering, he used a handkerchief to wipe the mud off Yu Nian’s wheelchair wheels, afraid that the dirt might make the Bodhisattva think their hearts weren’t sincere.

They waited a good while for their turn. Yu Nian had difficulty moving, so Tian Yao performed the incense offering and the kowtowing. Yu Nian only waited off to the side. Afterwards, Tian Yao asked the young novice monk on duty where they could have spirit tablets inscribed with gold.

Following another monk’s guidance, they came to the meditation quarters in the back courtyard of Futong Temple.

The one who would inscribe the gold for them was the Abbot of Futong Temple. His face held the very image of Buddhist compassion. It was difficult to criticize his appearance with mere words; it was just that the hands he extended were so thin they were skin and bones.

The Abbot understood their purpose. He quickly had the novice monk beside him prepare the brush. As he inscribed the spirit tablets with gold, he chanted sutras, thus delivering the souls of the deceased.

Yu Nian sat in his wheelchair, watching Tian Yao kneel on the prayer mat, palms pressed together, his movements full of devotion. Tian Yao knelt for as long as the Abbot worked.

The Abbot handed the gold-inscribed tablets back to them. Tian Yao carefully packed them away, then bowed with clasped hands to the Abbot before leaving the meditation quarters. Having settled this matter of the heart, Tian Yao finally felt in the mood to stroll the temple fair.

He also clearly felt that Yu Nian seemed to have breathed a sigh of relief.

The temple fair was located not far from Futong Temple, where the three villages intersected. The snow had been trampled into slush, but the pervasive mud did nothing to dampen anyone’s enthusiasm. Tian Yao pushed Yu Nian, looking around everywhere.

When he saw something novel, he would lean down and ask Yu Nian about it. For most things, Yu Nian could explain their origins.

Considering Yu Nian’s health, Tian Yao didn’t intend to stay long at the temple fair. After purchasing a few necessities the household lacked, Tian Yao prepared to take Yu Nian home.

“Don’t want to browse a bit more?” Realizing Tian Yao was turning him to push him back, Yu Nian looked up at him.

“It’s too cold. Better to stay home. I reckon there’ll be another snowfall soon.” Tian Yao glanced at the gloomy sky. “If it snows, the road will be hard to travel.”

Yu Nian nodded and didn’t insist further on staying, just remained silent for a moment before asking, “There’s hardly been a sunny day since winter began. Heavy snow day after day. Aren’t the nearby villages suffering from disasters?”

Hearing this, Tian Yao’s smile dimmed a bit. “The snow has been heavier this year. In past years, it’s been more or less the same. Our villages are doing well enough; the harvests these past two years were quite good, so the snow isn’t causing much impact. I just don’t know about other places. Probably there will be disaster refugees again.”

Yu Nian nodded. Going against the flow of the crowd, they headed back toward Huailing Village.

“Yao Ge’er?”

Hearing someone call him from behind, Tian Yao slowly turned back to see an Ame with a man, standing not far from them. But the person who called him didn’t speak loudly, as if afraid of mistaken identity.

“Ame Ye?” Tian Yao was uncertain and asked softly.

In Huailing Village, they called elderly married men “Ame.”

“It really is you? I was afraid I’d gotten the wrong person.” Ame Ye hurried two steps into three to reach Tian Yao. “It’s been four or five years since I last saw you. Are you doing well now?”

Tian Yao smiled and nodded. “Ame, I’m doing very well.”

This Ame Ye was one of those who had fled to Xixin Prefecture together with Little Dad back then. Little Dad had later married Father. Ame Ye hadn’t married into Huailing Village; he’d married into Huaidi Village. His husband was a peddler. After he’d married, he’d followed him traveling far and wide, north and south, and gradually, contact with Little Dad had lessened.

Later, when Ame Ye had his child, he’d stopped traveling and stayed in the village.

Only, Huaidi Village was ultimately still somewhat far from Huailing Village. Interactions between the two families had further dwindled over time. The last time he’d seen Ame Ye was at Little Dad’s funeral.

Ame Ye looked at Tian Yao with affection and touched his head. “It’s been hard, child.”

“Ame, why haven’t I seen Uncle Qing?” Tian Yao asked.

The smile on Ame Ye’s face vanished. His eyes reddened slightly. “Your Uncle Qing passed away three years ago.”

It took Tian Yao a moment to process what “passed away” meant. He hugged Ame Ye. “My condolences.”

Ame Ye just shook his head. “As one gets older, that day always comes.” He beckoned the man behind him to come forward. “Since you grew up, Yao Ge’er, you probably haven’t met my Li Song?”

Tian Yao looked at Li Song behind him. His appearance strongly resembled Ame Ye—tall and thin, his face somewhat tanned from the sun. When he looked at Tian Yao, the rims of his ears turned completely red. “Yao Ge’er, hello.”

Tian Yao could no longer remember what the childhood Li Song had looked like and just smiled. “Brother Song, hello.”

Ame Ye smiled. “Li Song has now inherited his father’s business, also working as a peddler. The family’s days are moderately comfortable. And you, Yao Ge’er?”

It was only then that Ame Ye noticed the man in the wheelchair beside Tian Yao. This man had cool, clear features and nodded at him when their eyes met.

“Ame Ye, I haven’t introduced you yet.” Tian Yao only just remembered. “This is my husband, Yu Nian.”

“Yu Nian, this is Ame Ye, an old friend of Little Dad’s.”

“Ame, hello.”

Ame Ye choked up. The words he’d originally wanted to say were now stuck, unable to come out at all.