Chapter 72: Not Love
Xi Leng wasn’t very good at comforting people.
But he also didn’t deliberately think about how to comfort Min Zhi, the words just came out naturally, driven by a simple and pure wish—he wanted Min Zhi to be happy, just like how Min Zhi’s late-night confessions kept him awake.
Min Zhi looked at him intently, suddenly bringing up an unanswered question: “What’s our relationship now?”
Xi Leng froze slightly, unconsciously avoiding his gaze, some sweet nothings flashing through his mind, but in the end, he chose to tell the truth, “I don’t know.”
Seeing Min Zhi’s displeased expression, Xi Leng lowered his gaze, still insisting, “Besides the fan thing, I haven’t lied to you. I think you deserve better, that wasn’t a lie either.”
…Then lying would have been better.
Even in such a warm and harmonious atmosphere, Xi Leng could easily ruin it with a few words.
Indeed, Xi Leng had never shown any resistance, even occasionally showing subtle signs of affection, but he had never expressed his feelings for him.
The more Min Zhi thought about it, the more frustrated he became, asking directly, “Do you even understand what you’re saying?”
Xi Leng knew exactly how to provoke him, nodding and repeating those words: “Mm-hmm, you deserve someone better than me.”
After all, Min Zhi was the one who took him all the way to City T, and he was responsible for his actions. He remained silent throughout the journey, driving Xi Leng back to Beijing that night.
Xi Leng’s answer wasn’t impulsive, but carefully considered.
Min Zhi was indeed more mature than he imagined, but he was also too impulsive, controlled by hormones and dopamine, losing his reason. He thought Min Zhi should calm down, think things over, and make a rational and correct decision.
This was Xi Leng’s consideration.
Before they reached the point of no return, before the last layer of paper was broken, there was still time to minimize the damage.
Xi Leng didn’t go out for the next few days, naturally not seeing his neighbor.
The KBN New Year’s Eve Gala was approaching, various performances being prepared excitedly, invitations like snowflakes, flying into the hands of celebrities and influential figures in the cold winter of China.
It had snowed all night, the world outside covered in a blanket of white. Xi Leng stood by the double-paned window, lost in thought, until the harsh reflection made his eyes sting, and he finally drew the curtains, going upstairs and also closing the skylight cover in his studio.
The suddenly darkened loft studio was filled with his recent paintings.
The bright and vibrant sea, the white dome-shaped tent, the towering rocks, the golden sunset melting and flowing on the beach… the paintings he created during those two weeks in Nandao, tirelessly, one after another.
And also, Min Zhi, in various forms, filling every corner of the studio and the apartment, their presence undeniable.
Some were painted from photos, some from life, and some, from his dreams these past few nights.
He held Ban Li and continued spacing out when his phone rang, a call from Luo Jiayan.
“Ah Zhao, are you home? Can I come over?”
“Mm-hmm.” Xi Leng put Ban Li down, “Yes, come over.”
It was Luo Jiayan’s first time seeing Ban Li in person. He was instantly smitten with the chubby, fluffy creature, chasing her around the apartment.
Xi Leng couldn’t help but remind him: “Be careful, she’s timid, she might scratch strangers.”
Luo Jiayan muttered regretfully: “Really? She’s so cute. But that’s strange, if she’s timid, why would she scratch people?”
“Perhaps because she was a stray, she’s afraid of people.” Xi Leng said. “Scratching is a form of self-defense.”
“Okay.” Luo Jiayan said dejectedly, taking a few steps back.
Xi Leng, looking at him, thought, if it were Min Zhi, he would probably reply: “So what if she scratches?”
Then he would pick up Ban Li without a second thought, infuriating the little cat, making her meow and struggle, until she got used to him.
“You came today…” Xi Leng blinked, asking, “Is something the matter?”
Luo Jiayan pursed his lips, his troubled expression evident.
From his past life to this one, Xi Leng could always tell.
Luo Jiayan met his familiar gaze, his eyes instantly reddening.
But because of those insensitive friends and his own carelessness, he had lost the right to confide in Xi Leng. Besides, his petty problems were nothing compared to Xi Leng’s past.
“Nothing…”
Just as he thought the matter was settled, Xi Leng asked, “Relationship problems?”
He abruptly looked up, his watery almond-shaped eyes trembling.
Xi Leng opened a can of beer, unexpectedly saying: “We’re friends, you can tell me if you want.”
Luo Jiayan was surprised and touched, yet also with an indescribable bitterness.
“Have a seat.” Xi Leng gestured for him to sit down, pouring him a glass of hot water.
Luo Jiayan, however, said, “I also want a beer.”
Xi Leng gave him a beer, indulging him.
Despite the rift between them, Luo Jiayan’s insignificant requests were still fulfilled. Xi Leng’s actions were just as he said, they were still friends.
Luo Jiayan held the cold can, muttering, “I was wondering, do Han You and the others like me?”
Xi Leng didn’t react, seemingly having expected this.
But Luo Jiayan didn’t understand. It took him a long time to figure this out. He looked at Xi Leng helplessly, continuing to ask, “So that’s why they’re so nice to me, that’s why they hate the friends I value?”
Xi Leng, unable to ignore his gaze, could only respond with a “possibly.”
He had naturally long understood these simple truths.
“But if they like me, why didn’t they tell me?” Luo Jiayan asked, puzzled, frowning as he recalled. “It’s so strange, I used to think it was just friendship… like my eyes were covered by fog, I couldn’t see clearly.”
Xi Leng paused slightly.
“Forget it.” Luo Jiayan suddenly smiled brightly, putting down his untouched beer. “Can I see your studio? I was too drunk last time…”
Xi Leng didn’t mind. But his studio was filled with portraits of Min Zhi, in various poses, even one hanging above his bed, which Min Zhi had secretly put there, and he had forgotten to remove.
“You’ve painted so many of Min-shen.” Luo Jiayan couldn’t help but exclaim, then smiled, “Why not post them online? They’re so good.”
He had posted his paintings online before, just to solidify his fan persona.
There was no need for that now.
Xi Leng casually replied: “Just some random doodles.”
“They’re clearly very good!” Luo Jiayan praised generously, “I wish you could paint one for me too…”
Xi Leng instinctively pressed his fingers against his forehead, a little overwhelmed by his enthusiasm.
“Forget it.” Luo Jiayan changed the subject again, taking out an invitation from his pocket. “KBN New Year’s Eve Gala, this is your invitation, I specifically brought it over for you.”
Xi Leng took the timely invitation.
“You have to be there, Xiao Yi’s performance is the first one, he’ll leave after that.” Luo Jiayan said with his usual bright and cheerful smile. “You’ll come, right? To see Xiao Yi.”
Xi Leng nodded: “Mm-hmm.”
The KBN New Year’s Eve Gala was a grand event.
Celebrities and influential figures from various fields sat around the tables, enjoying dinner, chatting and laughing.
Xi Leng arrived on time as promised, Luo Jiayan enthusiastically coming to greet him.
Luo Jiayan was dressed formally today, in a stylish white suit, looking radiant.
Luo Jiayan looked him over as he led the way, Xi Leng, attending a gala for the first time, was still dressed casually, in a light gray turtleneck sweater and a camel-colored overcoat.
“I didn’t rent a suit.” Xi Leng explained his attire before Luo Jiayan could ask. “I’ll leave after Xiao Yi’s performance.”
“Is that so…” Luo Jiayan’s face fell slightly, then he smiled and said, following Xi Leng’s words, “Then let’s grab something to eat, then go find Xiao Yi backstage.”
The two found an inconspicuous round table in a corner, joining Qiao Yusen, who happened to be there. They chatted for a bit, then dealt with a few people who came over to greet them, some celebrities, some business people, all starting with the emotionally intelligent “I’m your fan.”
Xi Leng responded casually, his gaze scanning the banquet hall, he hadn’t seen Min Zhi.
The lights dimmed, and the host, in a shimmering, floor-length gown, appeared on stage, introducing the first performers.
Rong Xingyi successfully won first place in the third public performance and appeared on stage with his teammates, Liang Zhun in the center position. After three performances, the boys no longer looked as nervous as before, their performance igniting the audience.
“Thank you everyone! Happy New Year!”
Led by Rong Xingyi, they bowed deeply.
Thunderous applause.
Rong Xingyi looked up, as if noticing something, freezing for a moment, then smiling even brighter, a dimple appearing on his left cheek, waving in a certain direction.
Xi Leng also smiled at him, the fatigue from socializing instantly vanishing.
As the “Shining Boys” trainees left the stage, Luo Jiayan, amidst the cheers, hurriedly tugged at Xi Leng’s sleeve and whispered: “Let’s go! Backstage!”
Qiao Yusen, opposite them, slowed his clapping, watching as the two stood up and discreetly left.
Among Rong Xingyi’s current teammates, only Liang Zhun had been with him since the first performance, the others meeting Xi Leng, the amateur artist who became famous from a variety show, up close for the first time.
He was even more handsome in person than on screen!!
The boys’ eyes lit up, their questions and chatter enthusiastic and unrestrained.
He politely declined all the requests for portraits, treating everyone equally.
They weren’t discouraged.
“Leng-ge! Are the rumors about you and Min-shen true?”
Rong Xingyi replied: “You’re practically in the industry now, don’t you know CPs are all just fan fantasies?”
“Leng-ge! Do you think I’ll be as handsome as you if I grow my hair out?”
Rong Xingyi replied: “Seriously, why don’t you look in the mirror and get a reality check?”
Rong Xingyi constantly interrupted, and after chatting for a while, Xi Leng hadn’t had a chance to say much.
Finally, Luo Jiayan also gave everyone an autograph, the seven boys leaving with their loot.
Before leaving, Rong Xingyi hesitated, being dragged out by Liang Zhun, then suddenly struggling free and running back, quickly saying to Xi Leng before his teammates could hear,
“Ge, you have to come to the finals!”
Xi Leng nodded: “Okay.”
Rong Xingyi, his dimple appearing, added, “And Jiayan-ge too!”
Luo Jiayan smiled brightly at him, agreeing.
Xi Leng’s eyes flickered slightly as he said goodbye to Rong Xingyi. He didn’t intend to stay long and turned to leave.
Luo Jiayan, however, followed him, like a little tail he couldn’t shake off.
“Ah Zhao, wait for me…”
Xi Leng stopped and waited, telling him, “You go back, I’m going home.”
Luo Jiayan, without a second thought, “Then I’ll go with you, socializing is boring.”
Xi Leng had no other choice. He walked down the long corridor, and even after reaching the empty outdoor terrace, Luo Jiayan was still quietly following behind him.
He stopped to smoke.
Taking out his lighter and cigarettes from his coat pocket, not avoiding Luo Jiayan.
Halfway through his cigarette, Luo Jiayan was still there. He turned his head slightly, exhaling the smoke into the night, then turned back, looking at Luo Jiayan.
Luo Jiayan smiled at him, saying considerately, “It’s fine, you smoke, I’m not in a hurry, we finally have a chance to meet…”
Xi Leng finished his cigarette, put it out, and didn’t light another one, asking directly, “Do you have a lot of questions for me?”
Luo Jiayan hesitated, shaking his head slightly.
“It’s okay, you can ask.”
“I…”
Luo Jiayan still looked troubled, as if wanting to say something but hesitating.
Xi Leng sighed helplessly: “You probably feel like I’ve been treating you coldly recently, but this is who I am, the real me. You did nothing wrong, it’s my problem.”
These words hit the spot, and Luo Jiayan looked up expectantly, hoping Xi Leng would say more.
But Xi Leng’s gaze, a gentle hazel, although seemingly as soft as the night, felt piercing.
“If you want to know why, I can tell you everything.” Xi Leng paused slightly, then continued slowly, “But it might make you even more unhappy.”
“It’s okay!” Luo Jiayan said hurriedly, almost pleading, “Just tell me…”
“Jiayan.”
Xi Leng called his name first.
Like in the past decade, the intimate two-syllable address, but it felt a thousand times more distant than that summer day on the noisy and sweltering sports field when they first met.
“Actually, I’m not Min Zhi’s fan.” Xi Leng said calmly. “You couldn’t attend his offline events after your debut, I wanted to help you, so I said I was also his fan—don’t feel bad, I took some part-time jobs delivering letters and gifts, or getting autographs, at those events, I didn’t waste any money.”
Luo Jiayan’s expression shifted rapidly, a rollercoaster of emotions, then he finally nodded, asking, “…And?”
This time, Xi Leng was silent for a long time.
Luo Jiayan stared at him expectantly, finally, those beautifully shaped lips moved.
A few barely audible words carried by the night wind reached his ears,
“I liked you before.”
Luo Jiayan froze.
After a while, he blinked a few times, his eyes gradually moistening.
“It’s in the past.” Xi Leng continued. “We’re not suitable, being friends is good, I want you to be happy. As a friend.”
Luo Jiayan couldn’t smile anymore, not even a fake smile, he unconsciously shook his head repeatedly.
Lies hurt, but so did honesty.
Having started this, he had to be cruel to the end. Compared to wallowing in lies and deceiving himself, cutting ties cleanly required more courage, didn’t it?
Xi Leng looked at him, saying seriously, word by word, “Although I liked you before, that feeling… wasn’t love. I was just attracted to some qualities you had, qualities I lacked. That’s why I said you did nothing wrong, it was my problem.”
Luo Jiayan couldn’t accept this, shaking his head like a rattle drum, hurriedly asking, “How can you be so sure?”
He was desperate, “Liking someone is liking someone…”
“I wasn’t sure at the time, but now, I know.”
Xi Leng lowered his gaze, pressing his hand against his chest, where a heart, repeatedly losing control, even wanting to run away with someone, resided.
So he could only say the most cruel words to the person he had known for over a decade, his childhood friend, his once only friend, the person he had a “crush” on.
“I’ve experienced it, the feeling of love, of having my heart flutter… but not for you, Jiayan.”
