Chapter 13: Sulking
Zhong Yan was momentarily stunned, his throat still tight, “Making mistakes again?”
Shi An lowered his gaze, embarrassed to look at him, “No.”
“Then you’re flattering me?”
Shi An: “……Oh.”
He shouldn’t have spoken honestly to the devil.
Zhong Yan threw the gauze into the trash can, “Since when did this start?”
Shi An knew he couldn’t hide it, but he still tried to struggle, “I forgot.”
“Seems like it’s been since childhood.” Zhong Yan quickly made a diagnosis, “Did you experience something?”
Hemophobia was mostly psychological. Those affected usually had a negative experience related to blood, causing the autonomic nervous system to overreact and form a conditioned reflex of fear.
“Not really,” Shi An said perfunctorily.
This kind of thing was often private, so Zhong Yan didn’t press him, “How did you pass your undergraduate internship and school assessments?”
Shi An was in an eight-year clinical program, five years of undergraduate studies, three years of postgraduate studies, and a one-year internship in his fifth year, usually at a county-level hospital.
Besides the internship, the school also had a few practical classes where exposure to blood was unavoidable.
“The hospital I interned at was pretty bad, there were basically no surgeries,” Shi An said, “The practical classes at school were quite simple, as long as you found the right spot beforehand, you could complete it with your eyes closed.”
Zhong Yan: “…”
This kid did have some talent.
Zhong Yan asked again, “Why didn’t you say anything last time in the resuscitation room?”
If he had known about his hemophobia earlier, Zhong Yan wouldn’t have been so furious.
Shi An pursed his lips, “I was afraid you wouldn’t let me be a doctor if you knew.”
“Not necessarily, but with your condition, working in surgery-related fields is a bit tricky. You could consider internal medicine, or…”
“What do you mean?” Shi An raised his voice, like a sudden burst of flame, “I got into university on my own, studied hard for seven years, I received scholarships every year, got excellent grades in every exam, why can’t I do it!”
Zhong Yan was caught off guard and tried to remain calm, “I’m thinking from your perspective, considering your current condition, other departments would be more suitable for you.”
“You have no right to tell me what to do!”
Like a sulking child, Shi An stormed out, leaving Zhong Yan standing there.
Where did he get so much temper from?
He dared to slam the door on me?
Shi An wandered aimlessly, unable to go back. He angrily went to Uncle Niu’s place, leaned against the “safe,” and opened his third Little Snowman popsicle.
Uncle Niu looked over his reading glasses, counting the popsicle wrappers, “If you eat any more, you’ll get a stomachache.”
“So what if I do? I’m not afraid.”
“What’s wrong?” Uncle Niu put down his newspaper, “Who made our little stubborn bull angry?”
Shi An gritted his teeth, “Who else could it be!”
“Did you make another mistake today?”
“No, I even made a great contribution.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Shi An held the popsicle stick, wanting to bite it into pieces, “He found out about my… thing.”
Uncle Niu wasn’t surprised, “What did he say?”
“He told me to switch to internal medicine, or another department where I don’t have to see blood.”
Uncle Niu opened his diary, “You’re angry just because of this?”
“He wants to take away my rice bowl.” Shi An was like a small ball of fire, “Who wouldn’t be angry!”
Uncle Niu just smiled and didn’t say anything, letting him cool down.
The bright room fell silent, the only sound was the scratching of a pen on paper.
“You really love writing in your diary,” Shi An said.
“Not only do I love writing, I also love reading it.”
“Don’t write about what happened to me today.”
Uncle Niu laughed heartily, “He already found out, what’s there to hide?”
Shi An held the popsicle stick, his face drooping, “You’re right.”
Uncle Niu took off his reading glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I think Xiao Yan is doing this for your own good.”
“What do you mean?” Shi An couldn’t bear to hear anyone advise him to give up, “Even you don’t support me anymore?”
“Why do you think I can’t do it?”
“Being afraid now doesn’t mean I’ll always be afraid.”
“Just you wait!”
Shi An hadn’t been seen all morning since he stormed off. He hung up Zhong Yan’s calls and turned off his phone.
Zhong Yan was fuming when he received a call from Uncle Niu.
“Xiao Yan, am I disturbing you?”
It was lunchtime, and Zhong Yan was standing by the window, “No, what is it?”
“If you’re not busy, can you come over and take Xiao Shi back?”
Zhong Yan: “…”
Why did this kid always run there?
“What’s he doing?” Zhong Yan had a bad feeling.
“He’s sulking. He’s not even wearing a coat, and he’s been looking at the friends next door all morning.” Speaking of this, Uncle Niu was truly worried, “He specifically looked at the mangled ones, his little face pale as a sheet. I can’t pull him away, he’s stubborn.”
“Not to mention whether his body can take it, he’s going to scare the friends next door!”
Zhong Yan: “…….”
That idiot.
“I’ll be right there.”
When Zhong Yan arrived, Shi An was huddled in a corner of the mortuary, dry heaving, his body cold, his lips bloodless.
Within five minutes, Shi An was dragged back to the rest room, wrapped in Zhong Yan’s coat, holding a cup of warm glucose.
“You’re getting bolder, aren’t you?” Zhong Yan’s anger erupted, “Disappeared for two hours, hung up on me, what are you trying to do, rebel?”
Shi An’s nose was filled with the sweet smell, he couldn’t utter a word.
“I just gave a suggestion, do you have to be so dramatic?” Zhong Yan continued, “The decision is yours, it’s your freedom whether you switch or not, why are you venting at me?”
Shi An bit the rim of the cup, his voice barely audible, “I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what?” Zhong Yan suppressed his anger, “Afraid I’ll eat you?”
Shi An pursed his lips and didn’t speak.
“Speak!” Seeing his pale lips and the fear still lingering in his eyes, Zhong Yan couldn’t calm down, “Weren’t you quite stubborn just now? Now you’re playing the victim?”
“I’m not.” Shi An gripped the cup tightly, his voice trembling, “I’m afraid you’ll fire me…”
“Afraid you… don’t want me anymore.”
The private room was bright and quiet.
Zhong Yan noticed his slightly trembling shoulders, the glimmer of tears in his eyes, and finally, transparent liquid dripping into the cup.
In that instant, Zhong Yan had only one thought,
I’m such a fucking asshole.
Zhong Yan wanted to comfort him, but he was worried his tone would be too harsh, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of scaring him even more.
He just stood there, watching each tear fall into the cup, creating ripples.
Zhong Yan clenched his fists and slowly approached.
His fingers traced the path of the tears, from his jawline to the corners of his eyes.
His face was cold, the tears hot.
“Don’t cry,” Zhong Yan said, “I want you.”
Zhong Yan poured another cup of water. After watching him finish it and his breathing calm down, he finally spoke, filled with guilt, “Feeling better?”
Shi An nodded and rubbed his eyes.
Zhong Yan softened his tone, trying to be gentle, “You have to tell me what happened so I can help you.”
“When I was little, I saw a picture of my dad’s car accident in my mom’s drawer.” Shi An answered his own question, “Yeah, my dad’s gone.”
“I’m sorry for bringing up something sad.”
“It’s okay, my dad passed away when I was still in my mom’s belly, less than three months old.”
Without any shared memories, he wasn’t particularly heartbroken.
“I felt sad because my mom was sad. She would always secretly look at the photo after I fell asleep, then cry all night.”
His mother was strong, optimistic, and confident during the day, but at night, she was a different person. As a child, Shi An hated this contrast and blamed it all on that bloody photo.
He didn’t like seeing his mother cry, and he hated and feared anything that would make her cry.
Zhong Yan: “Your mom raised you alone?”
“And my grandma.”
“That must have been hard.”
“My mom never remarried because of me.”
She even insisted on giving birth to him after his father passed away.
“My mom is very beautiful, she had many suitors.”
“Why didn’t she find someone else?” Zhong Yan guessed an answer, “Afraid a stepfather wouldn’t be good to you?”
“Partly, but also, she didn’t want to start another family, she was afraid I would feel a sense of loss or be isolated.”
His mother wanted him to grow up surrounded by love, even without a father.
“Did your mom tell you this?” Zhong Yan asked.
“No, she never mentioned it. My grandma told me after I became an adult.”
Zhong Yan: “Your mother is amazing.”
Shi An: “And my grandma too.”
“They must be very proud of you.”
“I guess so.” Shi An was a little embarrassed and scratched his head, “I gave them a lot of trouble when I was little.”
“Naughty?”
“Yeah.”
“There’s no such thing as a child who isn’t naughty.”
“I almost drowned when I was eight, and I’ve been well-behaved ever since.”
During summer vacation, Shi An went swimming in a nearby reservoir, choked on water, and almost didn’t make it. Fortunately, he was rescued and sent to the hospital in time, barely escaping death.
Shi An emphasized, “Super well-behaved.”
“Well-behaved?” Zhong Yan glanced at his hair, then at his earring.
“What are you doing!” Shi An quickly covered his ear, “Who says dyeing your hair and wearing earrings means you’re not well-behaved?”
“When did you dye it?” Zhong Yan rubbed his fingertips, the shape of his earlobe still imprinted on them.
Even seven years ago, Shi An was only eighteen.
“After the college entrance exam.” Shi An smoothed his hair, avoiding the real reason for dyeing his hair back then, “Anyway, my grandma approved of me dyeing my hair.”
“What about your mom, she didn’t agree?”
“She gave me the cold shoulder for a week, she thought it would damage my hair.” Shi An shrugged, “Now that she’s used to it, she agreed.”
Zhong Yan leaned closer, looking at his reddened earlobe, “And this? Did you get the cold shoulder for this too?”
Shi An rubbed his earring, “I didn’t plan on getting this, my grandma tricked me.”
Zhong Yan didn’t quite understand.
“My grandma said it looked cool and tricked me into getting it.”
Zhong Yan chuckled, “The elderly are quite fashionable.”
“More than fashionable, she’s over eighty, and her favorite thing to do is follow celebrities. She liked Teresa Teng when she was young, then became obsessed with young idols, and recently she’s become a fan of some host, always excited about something.”
Especially when she was obsessed with young idols, if Shi An hadn’t been tone-deaf since he was a child, his grandmother would have sent him to Korea to become a trainee.
As they chatted, Shi An gradually recovered, and Zhong Yan’s worried heart eased slightly.
“Getting back to the topic, your hemophobia isn’t severe. With planned desensitization therapy, you should see significant improvement.”
“Really?” Shi An’s eyes lit up, his eyes bright and slightly red.
Zhong Yan remembered when Shi An was clinging to his shoulder, crying and begging him to stop, his eyes were the same as now.
He averted his gaze, “But your idea of going to the morgue for desensitization therapy is utterly foolish.”
Shi An thought he was being incredibly clever, “Then what should I do?”
“First, talking back to your teacher, punishable. Second, unexcused absence, severely punishable.” Zhong Yan said solemnly, “This week’s days off are canceled. Your punishment is copying case summaries and medical order reports.”
Shi An: “…?”
“Let’s eat first.” Zhong Yan looked at his watch, “Cafeteria.”
“Wait a minute, Dr. Zhong.” Shi An looked innocently confused, his voice crisp like the clinking of tiles, “Didn’t you say desensitization therapy?”
“What’s the rush?” Zhong Yan touched his forehead to make sure his temperature had returned to normal, and helped him take off his coat, “Go home tonight, we’ll treat it slowly.”
Shi An couldn’t wait, “Am I still paying for the cafeteria?”
“You can’t even treat your teacher and landlord to a meal?”
“Sure, eat whatever you want.”
Even if they ate together for half a month, it wouldn’t cost as much as a single lobster.
Zhong Yan smiled and ruffled his hair. The same feeling as back then, an addictive touch, “Let’s go, eat.”
Shi An smoothed his messed-up hair, “Even if you’re my teacher and landlord, you can’t mess up a handsome guy’s hair.”
Zhong Yan pushed his luck, using both hands, “One ruffle for one lobster.”
Shi An frantically fixed his hair, “Then can one cafeteria meal offset one punishment?”
Zhong Yan: “No.”
