Chapter 14: Desensitization
Desensitization therapy involved gradually exposing the patient to real-life blood-related scenarios in a safe and controlled environment until they could fully accept them.
After work, Shi An sat on the sofa with a pillow, watching Zhong Yan bring snacks from the kitchen.
Tomato juice, strawberry juice, watermelon juice, red velvet cake, raspberry-filled cookies, dragon fruit chips, hawthorn cake.
Shi An felt like they were playing house, acting out a family picnic scene, “…That’s not necessary.”
He was only afraid of flowing blood, not red food.
“Really?” Zhong Yan handed him the tomato juice, “I personally chopped and squeezed these with a scalpel. Want to try?”
Shi An: “Scal… pel?”
“Yes, precise cuts, flexible operation, and most importantly, sharp.” Zhong Yan’s tone was casual, “My first major surgery, a total hip replacement, I used this scalpel.”
“The color was similar to this.” Zhong Yan shook the pulpy sediment at the bottom of the cup, “But the amount of blood was ten times this.”
Shi An: “…”
“Don’t believe me?” Zhong Yan stood up, “Wait, I’ll get the scalpel, I haven’t washed it yet.”
“No, no need.” Shi An stopped him, his mind filled with gory images.
“Here.” Zhong Yan handed him the tomato juice again, “It tastes good, not worse than blood plasma.”
Shi An: “…”
“My stomach is a bit upset, maybe later.” Shi An put the cup back on the coffee table, “Can we officially start now?”
It was pointless to keep trying to scare him with these tricks.
Zhong Yan sat down and opened a bag of dragon fruit chips, “When you can watch videos and eat these without fear, you’ll pass the first stage.”
“Haste makes waste.” Shi An’s stomach churned, he comforted himself, “I have to take it slow.”
Zhong Yan: “Weren’t you rushing when you spent the whole morning in the morgue?”
Shi An: “…”
He was so annoying.
Zhong Yan ruffled his hair and turned on the TV.
Shi An silently smoothed his hair, “That’s two lobsters.”
“I know,” Zhong Yan pointed at the screen, “It’s starting.”
They sat side by side, a seat’s width apart.
The screen showed a pair of hands grabbing a chicken, its wings flapping wildly. Then another hand appeared, holding a rusty cleaver.
Shi An turned to Zhong Yan, looking at him as if he was an idiot, “Your desensitization therapy is watching someone slaughter a chicken?”
“Should I show you a liver transplant? Can you handle that?”
Shi An was unconvinced and muttered, “At least show a small debridement and suture, or a lipoma removal.”
Zhong Yan: “Don’t underestimate these, let’s see if you can even handle this first.”
Slaughtering a chicken only required a small cut in the throat. The chicken itself wasn’t large, the blood flow wasn’t much, and the squawking could distract him. Although Shi An felt uncomfortable, he managed to endure it.
After the chicken, it was slaughtering a sheep, a pig, then a cow. As the size of the livestock increased, the amount of blood also significantly increased.
Shi An hugged his knees and stiffly turned his head, “Are you… cold?”
“No,” Zhong Yan said.
Shi An leaned closer to Zhong Yan, resting his head on his shoulder, and said considerately, “You must be warmer now.”
Zhong Yan: “…”
Shi An was only wearing a thin shirt, and the temperature where he was leaning against Zhong Yan’s shoulder was lower than normal.
He was very scared, but he pretended not to be.
Zhong Yan allowed him to lean on him and continued watching the video.
A large amount of blood flowed out from the abdominal cavity, along with the internal organs, covering the entire screen.
Because they were close, Zhong Yan could feel his reaction in real-time.
His heart rate was no less than 200, his respiratory rate between 50 and 60; blood was concentrating in his brain, heart, and muscles; adrenaline and cortisol secretion significantly increased. If this continued, he might experience a more severe somatic reaction.
“Need to hold my hand?” Zhong Yan raised his arm and extended his hand.
Shi An froze, his fear slightly distracted.
This was the first time he had seen Zhong Yan’s hand up close. Under the dim light, his fingers were long and looked strong, his palm was also very nice.
Shi An recalled Chen Xiaoman’s adjectives: slender, strong, perfect. He wondered how it would feel to hold it.
Seeing him hesitate, Zhong Yan added, “If you’re scared.”
The hand that had been secretly reaching out retreated. His pride was his greatest motivation. If he took his hand, it meant he was afraid.
Shi An shifted away slightly and put his hand behind his back, “No need, I’m not scared at all.”
Zhong Yan made a fist, retracting his outstretched hand, “Suit yourself.”
As the video continued, it was no longer just simple throat-cutting and bloodletting, but more gruesome scenes.
Shi An was consumed by the color red, the sounds of sharpening knives and butchering filled his ears. Prolonged exposure to this environment gave him the illusion that his life was about to end, that he was about to ascend to heaven.
His wonderful life, wasted just like that.
Lobster with chocolate milk, crab cakes with hot pot chicken, we’ll meet again in the afterlife.
“Dr. Shi, have you hugged enough?”
“Huh… what?”
Shi An regained consciousness in Zhong Yan’s arms. His arms were wrapped around his neck, his forehead pressed against his chest, like a hooligan, rubbing and exhaling against him.
!!!
Shi An’s mind exploded, his legs automatically sprang up, and he jumped to the other end of the sofa, “I’m sorry!”
The images on the screen suddenly didn’t seem scary anymore. Zhong Yan’s face was much more terrifying than butchering a pig. He almost blurted out: Don’t worry, I’ll take responsibility for you, eight sedan chairs, a proper wedding!
Zhong Yan pulled his collar straight, his face ashen as if he had rejected Shi An’s proposal. He got up and walked towards the bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Shi An asked nervously.
“Taking a shower,” Zhong Yan didn’t look back, “Going to bed.”
“Should I sleep too?” Without anyone beside him, Shi An couldn’t stay for another second.
“Don’t even think about sleeping until you finish the task.”
In the dark night, the TV continued to torment him.
Shi An covered his face with a pillow, cursing Zhong Yan in his heart.
“Leaving just like that, what am I supposed to do?”
“Cold-blooded, heartless.”
“Damn it, why did I act so tough! I should have taken his hand, why did I have to be so reserved!”
“Now even the ghosts won’t keep me company.”
“Hold his hand, never let go.”
“Don’t go, no one can leave.”
“How much longer is this damn video, no one told me it would be so disgusting. Zhong Yan, are you poisonous? Where did you get such a twisted video? Can you even sleep at night? Do you have a conscience? Can you be a decent human being? Aren’t you afraid of retribution?”
Through cursing and complaining, Shi An actually watched the video on repeat eight times. By the ninth time, he could watch the entire video calmly.
But the pile of red food on the table…
No, still disgusting.
How could he find a way to eat them with his meal?
Shi An had a sudden inspiration. He opened his phone, entered the photo album password, and scrolled through the pictures one by one.
This was much more appetizing, he could eat anything with this.
Zhong Yan leaned against the door, listening to the complaints before going to take a shower. He stood naked in front of the mirror, tilting his head to examine his neck.
From his ear to his collarbone, there were four distinct scratch marks. He could still feel the warmth of Shi An’s breath on his chest, burning.
Biting and scratching, what a bad habit.
At 2 AM, the master bedroom door was slightly ajar. Zhong Yan hid in the darkness, a faint light coming from the living room.
When there was no more sound from outside, Zhong Yan walked out. The snacks on the table were mostly gone, only the tomato juice remained untouched.
Silly kid, he actually believed it.
Zhong Yan stepped onto the carpet and knelt in front of the sofa.
Shi An was sleeping soundly, his arm dangling off the side, holding his phone, smacking his lips, “Delicious! Goes well with rice.”
“…”
Zhong Yan took the phone, gently lifted his finger, and looked at it in the light.
His nails weren’t long, neatly trimmed, but they had scratched his skin, leaving bloody marks.
Zhong Yan called his name twice, but Shi An didn’t react.
He stood up, glanced at the bedroom behind him, and lifted Shi An into his arms, supporting his back and knees.
That impulsive night, Zhong Yan had held him on his lap, on the bed, on his stomach, and even on the bathroom counter.
Over the past seven years, he had grown taller, but his weight hadn’t changed much. In his arms, he felt very light.
Shi An was sleeping soundly, his head nestled against his chest, mumbling in his sleep, “Delicious, one more bite.”
Before Zhong Yan could turn around, he sensed something was wrong. Within three seconds, he dropped Shi An back onto the sofa.
He finally managed to pry his head off, but his hand was still clinging to his chest like a suction cup, refusing to budge.
What a bad habit, would it ever end?
Zhong Yan slammed the door and went back to his room. Two minutes later, he returned, tossing a blanket over Shi An.
The desensitization therapy continued for a week. When Shi An could calmly watch the videos and finish a whole bowl of duck blood soup with vermicelli and tomato juice, they moved on to the second stage.
Shi An was tasked with watching chickens and fish being slaughtered at the market, twice a day, at least two each time.
So, Shi An went back and forth twice a day, empty-handed both ways, only interested in the butcher’s knife.
To achieve the desired effect, he always stood at the best vantage point, more eager than the buyers.
After a week, the vendors all recognized him, waving their cleavers and greeting him from afar.
“Young man, here to watch the chickens again?”
“Come quickly, this one is especially lively, plenty of blood.”
The vendor ladies were as enthusiastic as ever, but Shi An had a clear understanding of his role:
A spectator, not a buyer, a stingy cheapskate.
After today’s two chickens were slaughtered, Shi An received a text message from Chen Xiaoman, asking him if he could pick up a cake for her from the cake shop.
Shi An replied “OK” and asked, “Is it your birthday?”
Chen Xiaoman: “It’s Dr. Chen’s birthday. I want to surprise her and celebrate in the emergency department.”
“Okay, I’ll go later.”
Chen Xiaoman: “Thanks, don’t eat yet, I ordered takeout, we’ll celebrate together.”
Shi An thought about these past few days, although Dr. Chen wasn’t his mentor, she had helped him a lot.
He looked at the chickens clucking and jumping around in the cage.
Zhong Yan was working out when he received a call from Shi An.
He took off his sweat-soaked shirt and answered, “Need a ride again?”
“Just this once, can you stop picking on me?”
The first time Shi An watched a chicken being slaughtered, he was dizzy and had to be taken back by Zhong Yan, who also gave him a shot of diazepam.
“I wanted to ask, can I use the kitchen?”
Zhong Yan usually didn’t cook, the only things used in the kitchen were the refrigerator and the microwave.
“If you want to slaughter a chicken in the kitchen, I’ll throw you and the chicken out together.”
Shi An: “I’m not slaughtering a chicken.”
Zhong Yan: “No blowing up the kitchen either.”
“I just want to cook.” Afraid that Zhong Yan would guess, Shi An was vague, “I want to thank someone for their care and cook them a meal.”
Zhong Yan paused for half a second, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards, “Sure, go ahead.”
“Thank you, Dr. Zhong.”
Shi An rushed home with bags of groceries, chicken, duck, fish, meat, and various seasonings.
No one could understand the joy he felt when he scanned the QR code to pay the vendor. It had been almost half a month. Today, he finally stood up! He was no longer a cheapskate, he could confidently watch chickens being slaughtered tomorrow.
At first, Zhong Yan thought he was just messing around, until the rhythmic sound of the cleaver hitting the cutting board reached his ears.
Zhong Yan stood at the doorway, “Need any help?”
“No need.” Shi An lowered his head, slicing green onions, “There’s a lot of oil smoke here, don’t want you to inhale it.”
Zhong Yan didn’t leave. He stood at the kitchen door watching him cook. The tightly tied apron accentuated his slender waist.
When the aroma filled the kitchen, it seemed to indicate that he was more than just a decent cook.
Zhong Yan’s eyes lingered on his waist, “Did you take special lessons?”
“Not really, I just helped my grandma out.”
When Shi An was in middle school, his mother was busy with work, and his grandmother’s back couldn’t handle standing for long periods. At first, he just helped out, but after learning enough, he started cooking himself.
Zhong Yan: “You’re very filial, you haven’t let them down.”
“Whether I let them down or not depends on whether I can find a proper job.”
He had spent so many years studying medicine, investing so much time and effort. This was the path he had chosen, and he hoped for a good outcome.
Zhong Yan asked him, “Do you want to stay at the Provincial Hospital?”
Shi An pouted, “Is that even a question?”
A provincial-level Class Three A hospital like this was far beyond his reach with his current abilities.
He said sourly, “It’s too difficult.”
Zhong Yan: “Make me happy, and it won’t be difficult.”
The range hood was on in the kitchen, and Zhong Yan’s voice suddenly dropped.
Shi An turned his head, “What did you say?”
“Nothing,” Zhong Yan looked at the pot, “Not ready yet?”
The pressure cooker had been simmering for almost half an hour. It seemed to be chicken soup, the rich aroma filling the entire apartment.
“It’s ready, I’ll release the pressure now.”
Zhong Yan went to find a bowl. He had lived here for many years but had never eaten a meal at home, so he had to search for the tableware.
“No need,” Shi An rummaged through the grocery bags, “I bought food containers.”
Before Zhong Yan could understand what was happening, Shi An had already packed the four dishes and one soup into insulated containers, stacked them, and put them in his backpack.
Shi An looked at his watch and hurriedly changed his shoes, “Dr. Zhong, I’m in a hurry, gotta go. I’ll clean the kitchen when I get back.”
With a “bang,” the door slammed shut.
Only Zhong Yan was left, standing there alone.
