Chapter 19: Trust
The experience from seven years ago was like a sudden crack in a smooth road. Shi An stumbled and couldn’t get past it.
To this day, he couldn’t distinguish which fragments of his memory were real and which were dreams. He had tried to categorize them: the handprints on his waist were real, the man’s underwear was real, and the white hair in his dream was also real.
But the painful yet pleasurable experience, was it real or fake?
If he hadn’t drunk so much that night, he wouldn’t have been so blurry-eyed and mistaken a naked old man for the person in the photos.
Just thinking about it made Shi An physically uncomfortable.
As Wang Duo put it, it was like a fresh, tender cabbage being gnawed on by a naked, perverted old man.
Fortunately, self-regulation was Shi An’s strength, and selective amnesia was his specialty.
Three days later, Shi An had erased those memories from his mind, so when he answered Zhong Yan, he didn’t hesitate, “I’m a good boy.”
Zhong Yan: “…A good boy.”
His reaction made Shi An feel guilty, “What?”
“Nothing.” Zhong Yan put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it, “Good.”
The cigarette pack slipped out of his pocket, and Shi An casually took one. He had just put it in his mouth when it was snatched away and tucked behind Zhong Yan’s ear.
“What now, you can smoke but I can’t?”
Zhong Yan put the pack back in his pocket and zipped it up, “What’s a good boy doing smoking? Go to sleep.”
“I’m not sleepy, I don’t want to sleep.” Shi An felt like there was a lump in his chest. He grabbed a handful of snow from the ground.
He was caught after only two scoops.
“How old are you, don’t you know your hand is still injured?” Zhong Yan took out some gauze and carefully wiped the snow off his palm.
The man had a cigarette in his mouth. The wind blew in a fixed direction, and before the smoke reached Shi An, he turned his head and put it out, continuing to wipe Shi An’s hand as if caring for a precious collectible.
Zhong Yan’s hair was dark and thick. As he looked down, Shi An could see his pursed lips.
Shi An was slightly annoyed. It was irritating how handsome he was.
He wiggled his fingers and muttered under his breath, “Definitely a playboy.”
“What?” Zhong Yan looked up, putting down Shi An’s clean hand.
Shi An changed the subject, “Is that kind of thing fun?”
“What kind of thing?” Zhong Yan asked.
“That thing,” Shi An pursed his lips, “One-night stands.”
“It’s fun when you meet someone interesting.”
“How is it fun?”
“You can’t forget them, you keep dreaming about them.” Zhong Yan turned to him, trying to find himself in Shi An’s eyes, “Whenever you see them, you want to sleep with them.”
Shi An felt a flush of heat in the freezing night.
So even listening to someone else’s story could be embarrassing.
Zhong Yan: “Did I scare you?”
It was a promiscuous story, but the person involved was calmer than him, as if he was just commenting on the weather.
“No, it’s your freedom.” The lump in his chest was still there, and Shi An didn’t want to continue this topic, “By the way, how’s Director Xu?”
Before going to bed, Shi An had intended to visit, but Xu Baizhang’s door was closed, and he could hear voices inside, so he didn’t disturb them.
“He’s fine now, someone’s keeping him company, his mood is much better.”
“Who’s with him?” Shi An wondered, “You or Director Liang?”
“None of your business, less gossip.”
Shi An was still curious, “Can I ask something else?”
Zhong Yan: “What?”
“Is Director Xu really as capable as you say?”
“That’s his private matter.” After a two-second pause, Zhong Yan added, “But he shouldn’t be confined to the Traditional Chinese Medicine department.”
“Where should he be then?”
Zhong Yan didn’t answer his question, instead asking, “What about you, which department do you want to stay in?”
Clinical medicine required studying all departments, Shi An didn’t have a specific preference, “Neurosurgery, cardiac surgery, any of those impressive ones are fine, as long as I get to use a scalpel.”
Zhong Yan: “Finish your desensitization plan first.”
“I know,” Shi An wrapped his coat tighter, “I’ve desensitized myself quite a bit already.”
Shi An hadn’t been idle these past few days, he had been working hard.
Zhong Yan added, “If you want to be a surgeon, you have to learn to protect yourself first, don’t be so reckless, rushing into everything.”
“I wasn’t reckless, I thought it through.”
He had a safety rope, and there were so many people on the mountain. Even if something went wrong, they could pull him back up.
Besides, Zhong Yan was there, the genius director of the emergency department who dared to say that as long as there was breath, there was a chance of survival.
He wasn’t that foolish, and he wasn’t reckless.
Zhong Yan: “Even if you thought it through, it’s not your place.”
“It’s not your place either, the entire emergency department relies on you.” Shi An thought his reasoning was sound, “You’re the director, I’m just a resident, even if I… Ow!”
Shi An was smacked on the back of his head and had to shut up.
“If I hear that again, get out!”
“You always use that to scare me.” Shi An rubbed his head, “Boring.”
Zhong Yan: “Even if I were to go, you shouldn’t have.”
Shi An: “But I didn’t want you to go.”
He didn’t want him to face danger and the threat of death again.
“I’m your teacher, I don’t need you to look after me.” Zhong Yan’s heart softened, like warm syrup.
“I’ve been here for a week, and all I’ve done is babysit.” The more Shi An thought about it, the more indignant he felt, “I trust you so much, why can’t you trust me for once?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you.”
“I just want to hear you praise me.” Shi An reached for the snow, saw his hand, and pulled it back, “I’ve been following you for almost three months, and I haven’t heard a single word of praise.”
Zhong Yan paused, reaching for his hair, “I’m not good at praising people, I’ve never done it before.”
Shi An pushed his hand away, “Not open for business yet, no touching.”
Zhong Yan: “I’ll try to change.”
“No need,” Shi An said.
He was a genius doctor, a well-rounded individual with no weaknesses, both capable and hardworking. Compared to him, there really wasn’t anything to praise.
Zhong Yan: “Are you still angry?”
“I’m not angry,” Shi An said sullenly.
Shi An admitted he was being petty, but he was still annoyed. He had been uncomfortable ever since Zhong Yan started talking about his past.
Zhong Yan helped him tighten his collar, “Let’s go, go back to sleep.”
“I’m not sleeping,” Shi An turned away.
“Not sleepy?”
Shi An stretched and pretended, “It’s a long night, I want to enjoy the scenery.”
“I’m leaving?”
“Don’t let me stop you.”
Zhong Yan stood up, and then a wool scarf, carrying Zhong Yan’s warmth and scent, was wrapped around Shi An’s neck.
The action was far from gentle, making Shi An sway, “What the hell are you doing! I’m choking, let go!”
“Say another word, and I’ll drag you and the scarf back to my bed.”
Shi An: “……!!!”
He heard the sound of the door opening and closing behind him. Shi An simmered in anger, secretly sulking.
Drag me to your bed for what, to warm it up for you?
Crazy.
The cold wind, carrying ice shards, blew against his face. Shi An shrugged, burying his head in the scarf.
He yawned, filled with regret. Why did he have to act tough and say he wasn’t sleepy? Now he was too embarrassed to go back.
Shi An looked at the time, ten more minutes, then he would close his eyes and rush back inside.
The lone figure swayed in front of the door, ice crystals clinging to his face in the moonlight.
When his body could no longer support his head, Zhong Yan opened the door and sat back down, his shoulder catching Shi An’s drooping head.
Shi An was wearing a thick down jacket and a wool coat, his head completely covered by the scarf, his whole body round and plump, like a glutinous rice dumpling filled with stuffing.
Zhong Yan took the cigarette from behind his ear. The filter had teeth marks on it, damp at the end.
He didn’t light it, just put it in his mouth.
The wind continued to blow, and Zhong Yan clenched his fist, his hand reaching out from behind Shi An and resting on his hair. In the sub-zero temperature, his soft hair was frozen stiff, and he could feel the ice shards.
Zhong Yan gathered a strand of hair in his hand.
Silently calculating: Add one lobster.
The frozen hair softened in his hand. Zhong Yan brushed the hair away, revealing his ear under the scarf.
For a long time, these ears, which were prone to blushing, always irritated Zhong Yan. He touched his eartip with his index finger, his fingertip was cold, but his ear was warm and soft.
His fingertip slowly traced the outline of his ear.
The sleeping person stirred slightly, frowning, and snuggled closer to Zhong Yan.
When he stopped moving, Zhong Yan continued to touch his ear with his finger.
Touching, and silently reciting in his heart.
You’re amazing, smart, sharp, brave, and calm.
You’ll become an excellent doctor, shining brightly in the field you love.
