Chapter 21: Embrace
At the entrance of the Provincial Hospital, Shi An looked around, quickly locked onto his target, and sprinted towards a tall, well-built man.
The man across the street was even more excited, arms outstretched, running and shouting, “Shi-ge, I missed you so much!”
It was a joyous reunion.
Shi An poked him twice and squeezed his shoulder, “Da Duo, you seem to have gotten even bigger.”
“Of course, I train like crazy every day.” Wang Duo rolled up his sleeves, showing off his muscles, “Hard not to get bigger.”
When Shi An first started his residency at the Provincial Hospital, Wang Duo was preparing for the provincial games, undergoing closed training with no communication.
By the time Wang Duo’s training ended, Shi An had gone to Shigatse for the rescue mission. He was extremely busy and had no signal. Wang Duo only learned about his heroic deeds from the news.
“Shi-ge, you’re awesome this time.” Wang Duo scrolled through the news, “I was stunned when I saw the pictures, you looked incredibly handsome.”
Shi An grimaced, “Don’t mention it, I have a headache.”
Firstly, his phone had been bombarded with calls and messages, which he found annoying. Secondly, he was just doing his duty, there was no need for all the publicity.
“I understand,” Wang Duo knew him well, “Don’t worry, the news will die down in a couple of days.”
Shi An had gained a lot from the Shigatse trip, but he also had regrets, he couldn’t attend Wang Duo’s competition in person.
The finals of the provincial games were held in Yang City.
“It’s fine, you were doing something honorable, what’s my competition compared to that?” Wang Duo said cheerfully, “Besides, third place isn’t anything special, come watch when I win the championship.”
Shi An smiled, “Okay, I’ll be waiting.”
Wang Duo put his arm around his shoulder, “So, what are we eating today?”
“The usual place, let’s go.”
Shi An and Wang Duo were neighbors and had grown up together. Their relationship was more like an extension of their mothers’ friendship.
Their mothers had known each other for many years, like sisters. They got married in the same year, got pregnant in the same year, bought apartments in the same complex, and were very close.
After Shi An’s father passed away, it was Wang Duo’s family’s support that helped them get to where they were today.
Their mothers had even made a marriage pact before they got pregnant, and they both gave birth to healthy baby boys.
When Shi An came out at eighteen, the first thing his mother and grandmother said was, “Are you and Xiao Duo really together?”
This sentence became a running joke between Shi An and Wang Duo for over half a month. Thinking back now, his family’s easy acceptance of his coming out might be thanks to Wang Duo.
They sat across from each other, eating and chatting about their recent experiences. Wang Duo talked about the hardships of training and the interesting things that happened during the competition. Shi An talked about his miserable residency, the tortures of the emergency department, how his mentor was a devil, and how the devil had become his landlord.
After dinner, they walked along the riverbank, chatting about everything, just like when they were little. As they walked, they heard shouts from across the river, someone seemed to have fallen in.
They ran to the riverbank. Their vision was limited in the night, but they could vaguely see a figure floating in the river, the size of a child.
The drowning incident eight years ago had left a shadow on Shi An. He wanted to save the person, but he was powerless.
Shi An turned his head and saw Wang Duo taking off his socks. He trained in triathlons, swimming was a necessary skill.
Shi An took his backpack, “Be careful.”
Wang Duo stretched his arms, preparing to enter the water, “Don’t worry, I didn’t get third place in the province for nothing.”
Chen Man finished her rounds and returned to the office. Zhong Yan hadn’t left yet.
“Oh, Director Zhong playing the model worker again.” Chen Man poured a glass of water and leaned against his desk, “Not in a hurry to go home?”
Zhong Yan flipped through a medical chart, playing with his pen, ignoring her question.
Chen Man raised an eyebrow, “The little tenant not home today?”
Zhong Yan’s words were curt, like bricks, “Went on a date.”
“A date?”
The office door opened, and a new nurse rushed in, “Dr. Chen, Dr. Zhong, we just received an emergency call, a child around seven or eight years old drowned in Qingyang River, they’re currently retrieving him.”
“They also said,” the nurse bent over, catching her breath, “The caller was Dr. Shi.”
Chen Man’s heart sank, “Did Xiao Shi jump in?”
The nurse shook her head, “I don’t know, they didn’t say.”
Less than ten minutes later, the ambulance stopped in front of the emergency department.
The door opened, but Shi An wasn’t there. On the stretcher was a grimacing adult male.
The accompanying doctor reported to Zhong Yan: 51-year-old male, history of diabetes, diagnosed with coronary heart disease two years ago, no regular treatment. Consumed a large amount of alcohol before the onset, sudden severe chest pain and tightness.
Zhong Yan didn’t have time for anything else and immediately started the rescue procedure.
Before the patient was pushed into the resuscitation room, Zhong Yan saw Shi An getting out of another ambulance, his expression calm, still performing CPR.
At least his clothes were dry.
In Resuscitation Room 3, Zhong Yan worked tirelessly, and the patient was stabilized.
At the same time, Chen Man pushed the door open, “I’ll take over here, go check on Xiao Shi.”
“What’s wrong?” Zhong Yan took off his stethoscope.
“Can’t pull him away,” Chen Man shook her head, “You go first.”
Next door, in Resuscitation Room 4.
The patient was lying on the bed, eyes closed, dark circles around his eyes, lips cyanotic, the ECG monitor showing a flat line. No vital signs.
Shi An stood by the bed, persistently performing CPR. His damp hair clung to his forehead, his T-shirt soaked with sweat, the outline of his spine clearly visible.
Zhong Yan took the patient’s death certificate. Brain death had been declared forty minutes ago.
Brain death meant the permanent and irreversible loss of all brain function. No amount of effort could bring him back.
Zhong Yan stood behind him, “Shi An, that’s enough.”
Shi An didn’t respond, his hands overlapping, continuing chest compressions.
Zhong Yan called again, “Stop it, don’t waste your effort.”
Shi An seemed not to hear him, like a tireless perpetual motion machine, “Wake up, don’t sleep, your mom is waiting for you to come home.”
“I know you want to live, open your eyes!”
“Wake up, don’t sleep anymore.”
“Shi An, I don’t want to repeat myself a third time.” Zhong Yan’s tone was as cold as drowning water, “Three, two…”
Before the last number was uttered, Shi An stopped, his eyes still lingering on the child, wanting to pull him up, to get him off the bed.
Zhong Yan put down the death certificate, “Upstairs.”
Shi An hung his head and followed Zhong Yan.
Seeing him come out, Wang Duo immediately rushed over, “Shi-ge, how is he?”
Shi An shook his head.
“Damn, I should have swum faster.” Wang Duo stood barefoot on the floor, his whole body soaked, holding a pair of clean basketball shoes, “It’s all my fault!”
“It’s not your fault.” Shi An took off his backpack and put his coat on Wang Duo, “Go home and dry off, don’t catch a cold.”
After saying goodbye to Wang Duo, Shi An followed Zhong Yan into the rest room.
The bright fluorescent lights stung his eyes, and Shi An’s head felt heavy, he leaned against a dark corner.
Zhong Yan stood in front of him, like an emotionless questioning machine, “Medical criteria for determining death.”
Shi An answered without thinking, “Cardiopulmonary death and brain death.”
Zhong Yan: “Which one is more widely accepted?”
Shi An: “Brain death.”
“Diagnostic criteria for brain death.”
“Known cause of coma, absence of brainstem reflexes, apnea, and absence of brain waves.” [Note]
The weather in Yang City was still warm, but Zhong Yan’s gentleness from the snowy mountains was gone, “What did you do wrong today?”
“I can’t be as calm as you,” Shi An said through gritted teeth, “And I’m not as cold-blooded as you.”
Zhong Yan: “As an emergency doctor, you wasted medical resources, occupied limited space, and hindered the efficient operation of the department.”
“Excuse me, I’m not an emergency doctor,” Shi An gritted his teeth harder, forcing his face to remain composed, “I’m just a lowly intern.”
“Shi An, have I been too lenient lately that you’re taking your anger out on me?”
Shi An said “I wouldn’t dare,” but his attitude and actions were “daring” in every way.
“In your eyes, what is the mission of an emergency doctor?”
“To save lives,” Shi An answered without hesitation.
“How to save them? Save anyone randomly? Blindly save anyone? Focus on one person and save them relentlessly, regardless of the consequences?” Zhong Yan asked.
“If there were ten drowning victims today, not just one, who would you save first? The ones with minor injuries, the critically ill, the seriously ill? Or would you save whoever looks pleasing to the eye? If one can’t be saved, the others have to wait, wait until you don’t want to save them anymore, is that right?”
Shi An argued, “I used my own break time today.”
“When you start performing CPR, no one cares if it’s your break time or work time,” Zhong Yan said, “They only know that you’re a doctor, saving a patient.”
Arguing with Zhong Yan in his professional field was like hitting a rock with an egg. Shi An stopped talking back.
“The emergency department is a semi-open space, with people coming and going every day, medical staff, patients, family members, reporters, even professional medical troublemakers. Every move you make is under scrutiny.”
“Shi An, do you look at patients with prejudice, prioritizing who to save?”
“Of course not,” Shi An blurted out, “Absolutely not.”
“Then what were you doing just now?” Zhong Yan said, “Think carefully, what should you have done?”
He should have been objective, calm, impartial, and treated every patient equally. Within a limited time, maximize the chances and possibilities of saving lives, not missing any opportunity, not wasting any time.
It wasn’t that the emergency department was heartless, or that the doctors were indifferent, it was that emotions could cloud judgment.
“I understand.” Shi An opened his clenched fists and breathed a sigh of relief, “It was my fault today, punish me.”
Zhong Yan didn’t give him a punishment, “All of the above is what I have to tell you as your mentor.”
“As for the following, it’s what I want to talk to you about as a friend, or an older brother.”
Shi An: “Talk about what?”
“What happened today? Did it trigger something?”
Shi An had been in the emergency department for three months, visiting the morgue almost every day, facing life and death more than once or twice. He could objectively analyze emergencies and make quick decisions, even when he first arrived, he wouldn’t have reacted like this.
The warm room fell silent. Shi An tried to speak three times but couldn’t make a sound.
Zhong Yan didn’t force him, “Let’s go, I’ll take you back…”
“He was talking to me, telling me he wanted to live, he wanted to see his mother.” Shi An finally spoke, “Just like me when I was little.”
Shi An would never forget the year he was eight, when he was completely submerged in water, unable to breathe, terrified and in pain, wanting to sleep forever.
But a doctor kept calling him, telling him, “Wake up, don’t sleep.”
Shi An’s chest ached, he couldn’t breathe, and it was so noisy around him. Only the doctor persisted, forcing him to wake up, to open his eyes, saying that his mother was waiting for him to come home.
Just as he was about to fall asleep, Shi An remembered his mother. If he didn’t wake up, his mother would be sad, she would cry for him. She might also hide his photo in a drawer, the more happiness she showed during the day, the more tears she would shed at night.
He had promised himself that he would grow up quickly and do his best to protect his mother.
Shi An’s shoulders trembled, the salty sting in his nose restricting his breathing, “I know it’s absurd, but I really heard that doctor’s voice.”
Zhong Yan: “It’s not absurd, I believe you.”
“I also heard the boy’s voice.”
“He said he was scared, he wanted his mom.”
Shi An’s helplessness was like a countdown to doomsday, “He asked me to save him, he promised he wouldn’t play by the reservoir again, he would listen to his mom and grandma, he wouldn’t be naughty anymore, he would come home on time.”
“It’s all my fault, I couldn’t save him.” Shi An felt surrounded by the sounds of drowning, “I wish you were there, if only you were there.”
“It has nothing to do with you or me, even I couldn’t have done anything.” Zhong Yan softened his tone, “Doctors are just doctors, we can’t bring the dead back to life.”
“I should have noticed sooner,” Shi An bit his lip, “Why didn’t he even give me five minutes?”
Zhong Yan patted him, “You’ve already tried your best.”
“He was so young,” Shi An’s shoulders trembled, “How will he protect his mom now?”
“Cry if you want to,” Zhong Yan gently brushed away his tears, “Don’t hold back.”
“I’m not crying,” Shi An pushed his hand away, wiping his face forcefully, “My mom doesn’t like me crying, I won’t cry.”
Unable to hold back any longer, Shi An turned away, tilting his chin up, letting the salty tears flow inwardly.
“I tried my best, I did everything I could.”
“I’ll work harder, I won’t be discouraged.”
“Don’t cry, don’t worry Mom.”
It’s okay, it’s okay, everything will be alright.
The bright overhead light stung Shi An’s eyes, the pain making him unable to open or close them, he could only continue to comfort himself.
Birth, old age, sickness, and death were the natural course of life, accidents were unavoidable. Don’t cry, don’t do anything pointless, just endure it, it will pass soon, deep breaths…
The overhead light suddenly went out, the world plunged into darkness and silence.
Shi An’s shoulders were turned, his lower back pushed forward, then tightly embraced. He was enveloped in Zhong Yan’s arms, a mix of mint and disinfectant.
Held tightly, gently comforted.
“It’s dark here, Mom can’t see.”
