Chapter 40
Xu Qingyan was avoiding him.
At first, Lu Ze thought it was his own illusion, but after a while, he gradually confirmed his thoughts.
It was from the day after he went home. The next day, Xu Qingyan’s attitude was a bit strange. When he faced him, his eyes would always wander, and his expression would be dazed, and he would not dare to look at him. Lu Ze had also suggested whether he wanted to come and live at his house for a period of time, so that he could continue to tutor him in his studies, but Xu Qingyan had directly refused, with no room for discussion.
Once was fine. Lu Ze could say that he really had something to do, but once and twice and three times, things were not right.
In the past two days, he had even stopped accepting his pastries, and had euphemistically said that if he continued to eat, he would become too fat.
And now…
He even deliberately staggered his time with him when he was eating in the cafeteria.
Lu Ze narrowed his eyes and looked at Xu Qingyan, who was chatting happily with a young girl not far away. The emotion in his eyes was cold, and his face was expressionless.
In his heart, Lu Ze did not believe that Xu Qingyan would fall in love with someone else, but it did not prevent this scene from making him unhappy.
He had originally thought that Xu Qingyan was still young, and there was no hurry for love. Now it seemed that he was not young at all. He understood what he should understand, and as for what he shouldn’t understand, it was not for others to teach him.
It was better to settle it early.
Lu Ze’s fingers tapped on the table on and off, his gaze dark and heavy.
During the lunch break, Xu Qingyan heard Lu Ze call him up. While he was dazed, he also didn’t know how to face him.
As the knock on the door sounded, Lu Ze’s voice also came through the door. “Come in.”
Xu Qingyan took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Lu Ze was dealing with a document. Hearing the noise, he looked up, his expression light, the smile on his face almost imperceptible. “You’re here?”
Xu Qingyan’s Adam’s apple bobbed. His gaze fell on his face, then quickly moved away. He asked, “Is there something you need me for, Lu-ge?”
Lu Ze pushed the document aside and looked up at him. “Sit down first.”
Xu Qingyan sat down on the sofa in the center of the office.
Lu Ze said, “I haven’t had time to talk to you properly these past few days. How have you been recently? Are there any problems?”
Xu Qingyan said, “Everything is fine. There are no problems.”
“Is that so?” Lu Ze’s eyelids lifted slightly, and he chuckled softly. “It’s good that there are no problems. Then I’m relieved.”
He held a pen in his hand and was writing something on the paper in front of him on and off. He said, “I’ve seen you getting quite close to a female comrade recently. What, do you have a good impression of her? Do you want to be in a relationship?”
Xu Qingyan’s eyes widened in an instant, and his upper body also unconsciously straightened up. “What… what female comrade?” He explained in a flustered voice, “No, no…”
“Don’t be in a hurry.” Lu Ze looked at him, a smile on his face. “I’ve thought about it. You’re not young anymore. There are also boys in the village who get married at this age. It’s perfectly normal for you to have someone you like.”
“But… you’re going to take the college entrance examination and go to university after all. You can’t stay here forever. Have you discussed with her what to do in the future?”
Lu Ze’s voice was gentle and appropriate, as if he were completely thinking for him, but Xu Qingyan didn’t know why he was a little flustered in his heart.
“Lu-ge, I don’t have one, I really don’t. You’ve misunderstood.” He quickly explained, “Are you talking about Su Yan? There’s nothing between us. It’s just that I don’t understand some things in English, and she used to study abroad, so I asked her for some advice on English!”
“Oh, nothing.” The smile on Lu Ze’s face slowly faded. “Nothing. You have a problem, but you don’t come to me, but instead go and ask her.”
Xu Qingyan was at a loss for words for a moment.
Lu Ze lowered his eyes and was silent for a moment before he slowly said, “Qingyan, if you’re afraid that I’ll tell your uncle and aunt about this, then you don’t have to worry. I’m not a talkative person. There’s no need to hide it from me like this.”
Xu Qingyan opened his mouth and lowered his head. “I’m not lying to you. There’s really nothing between us.”
The pen tapped on the desk on and off. The tapping sound made Xu Qingyan’s heart unconsciously rise.
That was the fountain pen he had given to Lu Ze.
Every time he came up, Lu Ze would use this one.
As Xu Qingyan thought about it, he didn’t know why, but his heart felt a little sour.
After a long time, Lu Ze finally broke the silence. “If it’s not because of her… then can I ask, did I do something to make you unhappy, to make you avoid me like this?”
Xu Qingyan’s lips opened and closed, and he was at a loss. “What are you talking about, Lu-ge… I’m not avoiding you…”
Lu Ze looked up at him, his gaze as clear as a cold pool that could be seen to the bottom. Xu Qingyan only felt that his thoughts were hard to hide in such a gaze.
His gaze unconsciously wandered, and he just didn’t dare to look at him.
Lu Ze said, “You’re not the type to trouble others. You’ve just met her. It’s impossible for you to not use me and go and trouble others.”
Xu Qingyan didn’t speak.
Lu Ze said, “Something has been wrong since you came back last time… Did I make you unhappy with my joke? Or do you not like me always touching you?”
Xu Qingyan’s voice was soft and weak. “Neither…”
“Then what is it? You’re distancing yourself from me for no reason. You have to give me a reason.” Lu Ze’s voice was patient and calm, and there was no trace of emotion.
Xu Qingyan bit his lower lip tightly, but he didn’t know how to start.
How to say it? What to say?
That in your bed, I had a dream, a dream about you and me…
Xu Qingyan thought of that absurd dream, and his face changed. How could he say it?
The office fell silent. After a long silence, Xu Qingyan said in a muffled voice, “I’m not distancing myself from you…”
Lu Ze looked at him. After a long while, he let out a light sigh. “I’ve thought wrong.”
Xu Qingyan looked up in a daze.
Lu Ze raised his hand and rubbed his temples, his face tired. “You’re not young anymore. It’s normal to have your own privacy and not want to tell others.”
He said, “Maybe I’ve been following you too closely, and it’s made you feel a little suffocated.” He paused, then said in a low voice, “It’s okay. If you have anything to say in the future, just tell me directly. You don’t have to distance yourself from me in such a roundabout way.”
Xu Qingyan suddenly felt an uncontrollable panic in his heart. “No, Lu-ge, I’ve never thought that. That’s not what I mean…”
He stepped forward and said eagerly, “I’m not trying to hide anything from you. I just… I just…”
Lu Ze looked up at him, his gaze calm and waveless. Xu Qingyan was really a little scared, afraid that Lu Ze would misunderstand and, as he had said, would no longer pay attention to him.
“I just… didn’t know how to tell you,” he said in a low voice.
Lu Ze gave him plenty of time to explain.
Xu Qingyan clutched his pants and said, “I-I was just worried that I was bothering you too much…”
He stammered, “You’re so busy with work usually, and you still have to tutor me at night… I was afraid of wasting your time, and I was afraid of affecting your rest…”
Lu Ze was silent for a moment. “Really?”
Xu Qingyan was a little guilty. “Really.”
Lu Ze sighed, as if he believed him, and as if he were helpless.
“Even if I’m busy, I still have time for you.”
Hearing this, Xu Qingyan’s heart softened. He looked up at him carefully. “I’m sorry, Lu-ge… can you not be angry?”
Lu Ze glanced at him. Xu Qingyan slowly moved two steps closer to him. “I just didn’t think it through for a moment. I was wrong. Don’t be angry with me…”
He really couldn’t imagine what would happen if Lu Ze really didn’t care about him in the future.
Xu Qingyan had never been a person who was used to relying on others, but only with Lu Ze, he couldn’t just watch as their relationship returned to its previous state.
He thought, maybe… maybe that time was just an accident? Maybe it didn’t mean anything? Maybe that… was just a dream of his?
Lu Ze lowered his head to deal with the document and sighed helplessly. “What can I be angry with you about?”
Xu Qingyan was still not at ease. He said, “I still have some problems with my English that I don’t understand… can I go back with you tonight?”
Lu Ze looked at him. “Is Comrade Su not a good teacher?”
Xu Qingyan glanced at him. “I still want to listen to you.”
Hearing this, Lu Ze’s face softened a little. Seeing this, Xu Qingyan finally breathed a sigh of relief.
The matter was thus resolved. Just as Xu Qingyan was about to leave, Lu Ze called out to him again, “Wait a minute.”
He turned around and saw a familiar oil paper bag in Lu Ze’s hand. “I bought it on the way. I don’t know if you still eat it.”
Seeing this, Xu Qingyan’s eyes became a little sore. He blinked and said, “I’ll eat it.”
He looked at Lu Ze and thought to himself, Lu Ze is so good. How could he
have that kind of dream?
It must be that he’s been in the factory these days, and it’s inconvenient with others in the dormitory, and he’s been too suppressed. It was just an accident, it’s nothing, it definitely won’t happen again.
Xu Qingyan convinced himself. That night, after going back with Lu Ze, he listened to the low and slow voice in his ear, reciting one word after another. Xu Qingyan’s Adam’s apple moved slightly, and he forced his attention to focus on the book, his mind in a mess, with only a trace of reason barely preserved.
Before going to bed at night, after saying goodnight to Lu Ze, Xu Qingyan shrank into the warm bed and looked at the dark ceiling, silently chanting in his heart, don’t have any more dreams, don’t have any more dreams.
The night grew deeper. Xu Qingyan had been busy all day and was very tired. Before long, he felt drowsy and fell asleep uneasily.
Perhaps because he had something on his mind, he did not sleep soundly. He only knew that he had fallen into a dream again.
The dream was a bizarre one. Xu Qingyan was dizzy and couldn’t remember the scene clearly. He only knew that later in the dream, he saw Lu Ze.
Lu Ze looked at him, his expression not as gentle and soft as usual, but calm and waveless, as if he were just a stranger. Xu Qingyan felt sad in his heart and subconsciously chased after him, grabbing his arm to explain. As the two of them struggled, the atmosphere in the dream somehow changed. The anxious voice of explanation turned into hurried panting, and the physical movements turned into an intimate embrace and kiss. The surrounding atmosphere gradually became lingering and hot. Xu Qingyan’s eyes gradually became wet, and the sticky and wet atmosphere made him slowly sink into Lu Ze’s embrace.
The overwhelming pleasure was transmitted from the dream to reality. Xu Qingyan suddenly sat up, feeling the familiar touch underneath him, and his face slowly turned from rosy to pale.
…Unlike the vagueness of the last dream, this time, Xu Qingyan remembered every single detail clearly.
Before, he could comfort himself that it was just a dream and didn’t mean anything. What about this time?
This time, in the dream, he could clearly see his face, everything about him.
He could even feel the warmth of his hands and lips when he kissed and caressed him.
What was this?
What was this?
Xu Qingyan covered his face, and the cold hands slowly cooled his cheeks.
He was… fantasizing about Lu-ge…
How could he?
So unbearable, so… disgusting…
What would Lu-ge think if he knew? Would he think he was… a pervert?
The electric blanket had been turned off before he went to bed. At this moment, his upper body was exposed to the cold air, and his whole body was trembling.
Perhaps it was the bone-chilling cold that woke him up. Xu Qingyan rubbed his face with his hands. His lips were dry, and his whole face was dazed and emotionless.
He took a deep breath and stiffly took off his dirty clothes, casually put on an outer garment, and walked out of the room as lightly as possible. He took a basin of water and, in the dark night, numbly scrubbed his clothes with the bone-chillingly cold water.
His mind was in a mess at this moment. He didn’t know what he was thinking, nor did he know what he should be thinking. He just vaguely knew that this reaction of his… was not right.
Outside, the moon was dark and the wind was high. Only the faint light from the house shone out, providing a little light.
But Xu Qingyan only found it dazzling.
He lightly and gently poured out the water, put the basin back in its original place, and walked back with the cold and wet clothes in his hand.
There was a stove in the room. If he baked it by the stove for a night, it should be dry, and it probably wouldn’t be found tomorrow.
Xu Qingyan thought in a daze, but he suddenly heard the door of the room next to him open, followed by that extremely familiar voice, “It’s so cold. What are you washing there?”
Xu Qingyan’s whole body froze.
