We Can’t Go Back 58

Chapter 58

The car windows were tightly closed, the enclosed space amplifying every scent and sound.

Jian Wu took several deep breaths before his voice and emotions calmed down.

“Song Shuci, can you understand? If we weren’t in that kind of relationship, I wouldn’t feel so aggrieved. If we were just ordinary friends, neighbors, then being ignored, not being able to reach you on the phone, wouldn’t make me sad. If someone said I was holding you back, I would just tell them to fuck off. But if you’re my boyfriend, I would truly reflect on myself.”

“We’re not from the same world, our life goals don’t align.”

“I hate that I repeatedly do things I don’t like just because I like someone. I hate even more the feeling of dependence on another person. Dependence leads to disappointment, it makes one weak.”

He took a deep breath, then looked at Song Shuci: “Weren’t you always curious about where I went after leaving City A?”

He said, “I actually went to more than one place.”

“At first, I went to a city with a very low cost of living, rented a cheap, small single room, and just played video games and slept. When I ran out of money, I would make milk tea, wash dishes, or work night shifts at convenience stores. I even tried delivering takeout.”

“After about six months of this ‘lying flat’ lifestyle, I suddenly realized I still liked you. A sudden urge arose in my heart, I felt I had to prove myself, to slap Lu Lizhu in the face, to prove to you that Jian Wu wasn’t someone unmotivated and lazy, to show you I wouldn’t hold you back, that I could stand beside you.”

He chuckled self-deprecatingly, “So, I went to a city where I could earn money, joined a private high school with a high salary. In over two years, I took a class where no one could even reach the undergraduate admission score and got 50% of them into first-tier universities. The best student even got into a 985 university.”

“You know, Song Shuci, when I first joined that school, I thought, if there ever came a day, I would definitely throw my students’ transcripts in Lu Lizhu’s face, but when that day actually came, I didn’t feel that way anymore.”

A hint of reminiscence flickered in his eyes, “I wasn’t happy for a single day during those two years. Every day, standing on that podium, looking at those students and school leaders who kept finding ways to make my life difficult, I felt a headache. If it weren’t for the contract with the school, the penalty for leaving early, I would have left long ago. Later, the school increased my salary and asked me to teach the next class, but I still came back to City B.”

“If this is the price of success, then maybe my life doesn’t need success.”

He leaned back, creating some distance between himself and Song Shuci, a slightly defensive posture.

He looked at the man beside him: “Ge, you’re a good person, and I’m also a good person, but I can’t meet your expectations, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to disappoint you, I don’t want to hold you back, but I also don’t want to force myself, to wrong myself anymore.”

“If your insistence on being with me stems from possessiveness, then I promise you, if you don’t date anyone, I won’t either. I won’t start a new relationship until you’ve moved on. Is that okay?”

This was the first time Song Shuci had heard Jian Wu talk so openly about their relationship since the breakup. He hadn’t spoken since Jian Wu’s emotional outburst, just listened silently.

It wasn’t until Jian Wu stopped that he spoke: “What if I never date anyone else?”

Jian Wu didn’t hesitate: “Then I won’t either.”

The slightly playful expression on Song Shuci’s face suddenly faltered.

He leaned forward and pulled Jian Wu, who was deliberately keeping his distance, into a hug. Sensing Jian Wu’s struggle, he wrapped his arms around him comfortingly, his chin gently rubbing against his hair.

“I admit I had some expectations of you before, that I put pressure on you. It’s my fault for being narrow-minded and stubborn back then. I only realized it in these past few years. It was my fault for demanding so much from you, for neglecting you, for not balancing work and life, for imposing my thoughts on you.”

“There might have been some misunderstandings between us… but it won’t happen again.”

His hand gently caressed Jian Wu’s back.

“You know?”

“During the four years we were apart, I kept having this nightmare. I dreamed of a white space with a ringing phone. I wanted to answer it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach it.”

Jian Wu’s eyelashes trembled slightly.

“I can’t go back and change anything. I only learned about many things later, and I feel like there are still some things I don’t know, even now.”

He released Jian Wu and took a train ticket from his bag, handing it to him.

“But I can guarantee, in this lifetime, I’ll never miss your calls again.”

Jian Wu stared at the word “City A” printed on the ticket, the destination, and looked at him with confusion.

“I’m going to City A,” Song Shuci asked him, “Do you want to come with me for a while?”

Jian Wu was stunned.

“Let’s go and unwind,” Song Shuci said, “Tell me everything you feel aggrieved about, we’ll go back to City A, and I’ll make it up to you, one by one, I’ll apologize, and then you can decide whether or not to forgive me.”

“Don’t worry about your luggage, I bought you ten sets of clothes and five pairs of underwear, they’re all clean, I put them in the suitcase in the trunk. If you need anything else, we can buy them in City A.”

Song Shuci put the ticket in his hand, got out of the car, dragged two suitcases over, opened the door on his side, and gestured invitingly, “Let’s go.”

Jian Wu never thought he would come back to City A.

Throughout the high-speed train ride, he didn’t speak to Song Shuci. Fortunately, Song Shuci was considerate of his mood and just quietly worked, occasionally asking if he was hungry and ordering him food.

He still felt a little dazed when they got off the train.

“What’s… the plan?” Jian Wu asked, standing at the exit, looking at the darkening sky.

“I booked a hotel near the station, let’s get some rest tonight,” Song Shuci said.

They checked into the hotel and got two key cards. Song Shuci handed them both to him, “I’m in room 519, you can choose your own room.”

Jian Wu hesitated for a moment, then pointed at the key card with the number 8520.

Song Shuci just nodded, didn’t say anything more, swiped the card to open the door for him, and handed him the key, “Do you want me to help you make the bed?”

“No need,” Jian Wu said.

Song Shuci didn’t insist, just said: “Get some rest, I’ll take you to meet someone tomorrow, a surprise for you.”

Jian Wu asked: “Who?”

“It’s a secret for now,” Song Shuci smiled at him, “Good night.”

“…Good night.”

Seeing Song Shuci close the door, Jian Wu finally let out a long sigh and collapsed onto the bed.

He was so tired.

His body was tired, his mind even more so.

He had traveled to three cities today, not to mention the massive information overload his brain had experienced.

He had to admit, Song Shuci understood him too well. If he had gone home from the station today, he wouldn’t have come to City A with Song Shuci, so Song Shuci had bought a ticket for the next train.

He wasn’t in the mood to guess who the surprise person was, his mind filled with Song Shuci’s words today and the scent of him when he hugged him.

Jian Wu lifted his sleeve and sniffed it. As expected, the same laundry detergent, the same scent.

He sat up in bed, opened his suitcase, and took out the clothes Song Shuci had bought him, one by one.

Every piece was beautiful, suited him perfectly.

Spread out on the bed, the familiar scent was even more prominent.

Jian Wu cleared a space in the middle of the bed, lay down, opened his phone, and clicked on WeChat.

It was almost midnight, and no one had messaged him. He scrolled down and quickly found Song Shuci. His contact name for him was still “sucker tenant.” He thought for a moment, deleted it, and changed it to a “.”.

As soon as he changed the contact name, he noticed Song Shuci’s profile picture had changed. It was no longer the landscape photo, but the photo of them scuba diving that he had used for five or six years.

—The profile picture Jian Wu was most familiar with.

The deep blue background, two faces close together, obscured by diving masks.

Jian Wu’s heart suddenly raced.

This photo was taken when Song Shuci received his first national scholarship, when they went scuba diving at the beach. He liked this photo very much, so Song Shuci had used it for many years.

He thought it was a WeChat glitch and repeatedly opened and checked it to confirm Song Shuci had indeed changed his profile picture.

Perhaps because his emotions were fluctuating, his hand trembled slightly when he opened it again, and he accidentally double-tapped the screen, sending a “I poked ‘.””.

Jian Wu’s breath hitched.

He forced himself to stay calm and typed “Sorry, accidental touch” in the chatbox, but before he could send it, a notification popped up: “.” poked you and said “Crazy Thursday, my treat.”

Jian Wu: “…”

This suffix was added when he was joking with He Yong and the others. He rarely used this feature, so he had forgotten to change it.

Just as he was about to explain, Song Shuci sent several more pokes.

“.”: Still not sleeping?

Seeing Song Shuci messaging him, Jian Wu decided not to explain the suffix and pretended nothing had happened: “I’ll sleep after playing for a while longer.”

“When are you planning to sleep?” Song Shuci asked him.

“In half an hour, I haven’t showered yet.”

Song Shuci sent a voice message.

Jian Wu hesitated for a moment between playing it directly and converting it to text, then chose to convert it to text: Why did you poke me?

“…” Jian Wu: “Just to let you know, I like the clothes, thank you.”

Song Shuci sent another voice message, which converted to text as “Glad you like them.”

Jian Wu read the message, then his gaze shifted to Song Shuci’s profile picture.

Realizing he was looking at the photo again, he quickly turned off his phone and sat up.

Stop looking, stop looking.

He patted his face and looked down at his suitcase.

Song Shuci was very thoughtful. There were not only outerwear in the suitcase, but also pajamas, his favorite cartoon dinosaur design, which looked both out of place and heartwarming among the fashionable clothes.

There were also razors, towels, bed linens, and other daily necessities.

Jian Wu took his toiletries and went to the bathroom. The warm water calmed him down.

He showered for about twenty minutes, and as soon as he came out of the bathroom, the doorbell rang. He opened the door and saw the hotel’s delivery robot standing outside, playing music cheerfully.

He entered his room number, and the robot’s storage compartment slowly opened. Jian Wu looked down and saw several large KFC bags.

He took the bags, and the words “Crazy Thursday, my treat” suddenly popped into his mind. Jian Wu took out his phone, preparing to ask Song Shuci if he had ordered the takeout, but his finger paused before sending the message.

If it wasn’t Song Shuci, then who could it be?

He deleted the message and sent a new one: “The KFC is here, do you want to eat together?”

Song Shuci was showering. Hearing his phone notification, he turned on the screen through the waterproof bag. Seeing it was from Jian Wu, he turned off the water, wiped his hands, and sent a voice message: “You eat, I’m showering, I’m not eating.”

Jian Wu, receiving the voice message, pursed his lips. This time, he didn’t convert it to text, but played it directly. After listening to it, he scrolled up and played the two previous voice messages from Song Shuci.

Jian Wu listened to the three voice messages repeatedly, then, after a moment of silence, suddenly stood up, grabbed the KFC, and knocked on the door next door.