Chapter 64
After seeing Xiang Zhuo off, the new semester at the affiliated middle school began.
The beginning of the semester was relatively relaxed for Jian Wu, but Song Shuci was extremely busy. The arrival of new master’s and doctoral students, coupled with the tedious postdoc recruitment process, was enough to keep him occupied, not to mention his bold claim to the anatomy department teachers that he would teach anatomy classes. So he was now spending most of his time studying and attending lectures, his days seemingly back to when they were in City A.
But it wasn’t entirely the same.
For example, Jian Wu noticed that Song Shuci used to disappear whenever he was doing experiments, but now, he was always reachable. And Song Shuci now liked to keep him updated on his schedule, telling him what he was doing at what time, and even asking if it was okay for him to come home late.
Even after coming home, if Jian Wu wasn’t asleep, Song Shuci would offer to play games with him to relax, complaining about work or listening to his complaints.
Then they would each return to their own rooms and say good night.
This was a comfortable dynamic, but Jian Wu felt it was more like they were “buddies” than a couple.
He was actually someone who valued rituals, feeling that the beginning and end of a relationship should be accompanied by some kind of confirmation. But perhaps procrastination was human nature when faced with difficult problems, Jian Wu wanted to ask “What are we now?” several times, but always swallowed the words.
Later, he simply gave up. Since Song Shuci didn’t mention it, he wouldn’t either. They just continued like this, it was quite comfortable.
On the last day of September, he was, as usual, slacking off at work, waiting for the end of the day, and casually clicked on Song Shuci’s profile picture, thinking about inviting him on a trip.
This National Day holiday, Jian Yu and Zhao Bin planned to go on a self-drive tour along the Sichuan-Tibet Highway with the Song family. Jian Wu usually spent his holidays with Jian Yu, and now, suddenly free, he had originally planned to play video games at home for a week. But perhaps the time he spent in City A in August was too dreamlike, making him nostalgic. The novelty of an unfamiliar environment allowed him to fully immerse himself in leisure. He browsed travel destinations on his phone, no longer satisfied with just staying at home.
So he did some research, found a few places he really wanted to visit, and prepared to invite Song Shuci. But just as he was about to send Song Shuci a message, a call came in.
The caller was a homeroom teacher he had worked with last semester, now teaching ninth grade.
He had to put aside his plans and answer the phone: “Hello, Teacher Tan?”
The voice on the other end was urgent: “Jian Wu! Emergency! Multimedia classroom 201, come quickly!”
Jian Wu had a good relationship with Teacher Tan. Although confused, he still went to room 201 as instructed. As soon as he entered, Tan Tan rushed over, “Jian Wu, can you teach a music class for our class?”
“?” Jian Wu said, “Are you going to pay me?”
“We have the chorus competition coming up,” Tan Tan rubbed his hands, “I want to find someone to help us rehearse.”
“Isn’t your wife a music teacher?”
Tan Tan glanced at the students behind him, leaned closer to Jian Wu, lowered his voice, and said with a gloomy expression: “That’s the thing… I recently made my wife angry, not only is she not helping me, she even rallied the entire music department to isolate me. Now, no music teacher is willing to rehearse with our class.”
Jian Wu: “…”
“No,” he refused, “I’m about to start my holiday.”
“It won’t affect your holiday, just half a day today. I’m not even aiming for a prize, I just don’t want us to look too bad on stage,” Tan Tan pulled him over to look at the students, who were whispering amongst themselves, “These are all students you’ve taught, how can you bear to see them embarrass themselves on stage? And it’s not like I’m asking you to work for free, the whole class agreed to ask you for help, they all said you’re a great singer!”
Jian Wu now understood what it meant to be betrayed by your own students after kindly singing for them.
“Please, I’ll treat you to dinner tonight!” Tan Tan winked at him enthusiastically, “You choose the place.”
Perhaps sensing something from Tan Tan’s pleading gesture, the students behind him also started pleading, “Teacher Jian, we miss you so much! Teacher Jian, please help us! Teacher Jian, you’re the best!”
Jian Wu couldn’t resist the emotional appeals from almost thirty mouths and agreed to stay. Seeing his agreement, Tan Tan quickly handed him the sheet music, “Then let’s start rehearsing?”
Jian Wu twitched the corner of his mouth: “Don’t tell me they can’t even sing yet?”
Tan Tan blinked: “That’s right, aren’t we waiting for you to teach us?”
Jian Wu, who thought he was just going to conduct and rehearse, was speechless. He had to take out the sheet music and teach them line by line, but it seemed Tan Tan’s class was full of tone-deaf students. After listening for a while, Jian Wu called a timeout.
“Do you have the accompaniment? Find me the accompaniment,” he said to Tan Tan.
“It’s with my wife… I don’t know where it is,” Tan Tan wrung his hands, “Don’t you have a guitar? Why don’t you play for them?”
“I didn’t bring it, it’s at home.”
“There’s a piano here,” Tan Tan pointed at the piano in the corner of the multimedia classroom, “It should work.”
“But I can’t play the piano.”
Tan Tan was puzzled: “How can you not play the piano?”
Jian Wu threw down the sheet music and was about to leave.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Tan Tan quickly grabbed his sleeve, “Then… do you have any other ideas?”
“My best idea is to advise you to go home and make up with your wife.”
“That’s the thing, I can’t, Jian Wu—” Tan Tan said, “Don’t you have any friends who can play the piano?”
“Not only are you making me work for free, you also want me to find someone else for you?” Jian Wu was almost amused by his shamelessness.
“I’ll treat both of you to dinner, two meals!”
Jian Wu thought for a moment. A friend who could play the piano… he actually did have one.
But he didn’t want to ask Song Shuci.
Most people learned musical instruments for fun, but not Song Shuci.
No matter how understanding and open-minded Xu Xiu and Song Guochuan seemed now, it couldn’t erase the fact that when they were younger, they were very strict and demanding.
Xu Xiu was the eldest sister in a family that favored sons over daughters. Through her own efforts, she escaped her many younger brothers and became a high-ranking prosecutor in City B. And Song Guochuan was the eldest son in a blended family, always living under his stepfather’s shadow, until he excelled academically and became self-reliant.
This family background made them deeply aware of the importance of studying hard, so they had high expectations for Song Shuci from a young age. At the age when Jian Wu would get a big red flower for scoring 90 points on a test, Song Shuci would be punished for not getting a perfect score.
And he had been forced to practice the piano since he was very young.
Many of Jian Wu’s childhood memories involved Song Shuci practicing the piano. He had once, innocently, asked Song Shuci: “Gege, do you really like playing the piano?”
Song Shuci was very aloof back then. Although only in first or second grade, he rarely smiled, and hearing his question, just said indifferently: “No.”
He asked again: “Then why do you practice every day, for so long?”
Song Shuci didn’t answer.
It wasn’t until one time, when Jian Wu saw Xu Xiu checking Song Shuci’s piano practice, the woman holding a pen and hitting his hand whenever he made a mistake, that he suddenly understood why he often saw red marks on Song Shuci’s hands.
He thought Song Shuci wasn’t very smart.
If it were him, he would definitely cry loudly, making sure everyone knew and came to comfort him, but Song Shuci wouldn’t. He would just frown slightly and continue playing.
So, the clever Jian Wu rushed over and snatched the pen from Xu Xiu’s hand, then stood in front of Song Shuci, protecting him, preventing Xu Xiu from hitting him again.
His actions broke the tense atmosphere, and Xu Xiu, amused and exasperated, could only say it was for his own good. Jian Wu was young then, not very respectful of elders, and retorted: “If you hit Gege again, I’ll step on you.”
Then he actually stepped on Xu Xiu’s slippers with his small feet.
Xu Xiu was the typical parent who was strict with her own child but lenient with others’. Seeing this, she could only say: “Fine, you two play.”
But not long after, Jian Wu saw those marks on Song Shuci’s hands again.
So, from that day on, he practically lived at Song Shuci’s house, sitting in his room after school. Whenever Xu Xiu or Song Guochuan scolded Song Shuci, he would make faces beside him. Later, Song Shuci’s parents had to talk to his parents, but he still refused to leave, like a stubborn child, until Song Shuci gradually grew older and his piano skills improved.
Later, when they were older, Song Shuci’s parents even joked that Jian Wu was the biggest obstacle in their son’s education.
He knew that when Song Shuci was young, he would be punished if he didn’t rank first in exams, and beaten if he wasn’t in the top three. So every time after an exam, he would go to Song Shuci’s class and secretly ask a kind-looking girl about his ranking. If it wasn’t first, he would go to Song Shuci’s house with his homework after school, saying he needed help, then pull him to his own house and not let him go back all night.
Song Shuci’s parents couldn’t possibly argue with someone else’s child, and although his tactic was shameless, it was effective.
Because of this, playing the piano probably wasn’t a pleasant memory for Song Shuci. Otherwise, Jian Wu wouldn’t have never seen him play the piano voluntarily in all these years.
So, although he thought of Song Shuci, he still said to Tan Tan: “I’ll play.”
Although Jian Wu hadn’t learned how to play the piano, he often accompanied Song Shuci during his practice. Sometimes, when Song Shuci was in the mood, and Xu Xiu wasn’t around, he would lift him onto the piano bench and teach him some simple four-hand pieces.
He didn’t know any complex techniques, but he could manage by following the sheet music.
Anyway, the singing level of Tan Tan’s class didn’t require advanced piano skills.
He spent an hour or two there, finally dividing the parts, and the students could more or less sing now. He was about to leave when Tan Tan stopped him: “Didn’t I say I would treat you to dinner?”
“I’m not eating,” Jian Wu looked at his phone. Song Shuci said he wasn’t busy tonight, that he was cooking at home, and asked what he wanted to eat.
To be fair, although Song Shuci’s Chinese cooking was questionable, his Western cooking was quite good, so they were now living an international life, eating a mix of Chinese and Western food.
But just as he refused Tan Tan and returned to his office, he was stopped by a student.
A thin boy with black-rimmed glasses, wearing his school uniform, stood at his office door.
Although he had only taught them for a month, Jian Wu quickly recognized him as the top student in one of his classes. Although quiet and introverted, he was well-behaved and studious.
“Are you looking for me?” he walked over and asked.
“Tea… Teacher Jian, hello,” the boy was a little nervous seeing him, and stammered, “I, I’m Ren Jia.”
“I know,” Jian Wu opened the office door, “Come in and sit down.”
But Ren Jia didn’t move.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can we… I have something I want to talk to you about privately.” His words were slightly hesitant, but Jian Wu quickly understood.
“Okay, wait for me.” Jian Wu went to his desk, took the key to the counseling room, thought for a moment, grabbed a few snacks, came out of the office, and patted him on the back, “Let’s go.”
Almost every floor of the affiliated middle school had a counseling room, convenient for one-on-one conversations between teachers and students.
Jian Wu opened a few snacks and pushed them towards him: “Eat.” But Ren Jia just fidgeted with his fingers, not reaching for them.
So Jian Wu peeled a candy and offered it to him. This time, Ren Jia finally took it, put it in his mouth, lowered his eyes, and after a moment of silence, said softly: “Teacher Jian… do you… not like me?”
Jian Wu was stunned.
As a vice subject teacher, he wasn’t under much pressure to produce results and got along well with his students, so students often came to him to chat when they had problems or were feeling down, but this was the first time he had encountered a situation like Ren Jia’s. After all, he believed he treated all his students equally.
“Why would you think that?”
Perhaps because he wasn’t smiling, his tone sounded a bit like a question, and Ren Jia panicked: “I’m sorry, Teacher Jian… I… I…”
Ren Jia’s frightened look made Jian Wu nervous as well. He quickly softened his voice: “Don’t be afraid, I’m not blaming you, I don’t dislike you, I just want to know why you feel this way.”
Ren Jia bit his lip, “You used to call on me to answer questions in class and even asked me to write on the blackboard… since, since I made a mistake last time, you haven’t asked me to write on the blackboard again, are you disappointed in me?”
Jian Wu thought hard for a moment, then finally remembered something.
When he had extra time after class, he would ask a few students to write the key points he emphasized on the blackboard, to improve classroom efficiency. Since everyone was aware of this, they would naturally listen more attentively in class.
The questions he asked during these dictations weren’t difficult, and he had repeatedly mentioned them in class. Even if they couldn’t answer, there was no punishment. And he hadn’t called on Ren Jia again because he had noticed the boy’s face turning red and his obvious distress after making a mistake last time.
He was a self-disciplined child, he would study hard even without these tests. Jian Wu thought it was unnecessary to make him feel uncomfortable, so he hadn’t called on him again.
He hadn’t expected Ren Jia to overthink it so much.
He carefully explained the reason to Ren Jia. The boy’s expression finally eased, and he breathed a sigh of relief: “I thought it was because I wasn’t good enough, that you didn’t like me anymore.”
Jian Wu thought he was being a bit of a humblebrag and teased: “Your grades are already so good, and you still think you’re not good enough?”
“Not enough,” Ren Jia said softly, “I still make careless mistakes, and when my grades are bad, I’ll be disliked.”
Seeing his seriousness, Jian Wu stopped joking and said seriously: “That won’t happen.”
“It will, Teacher Jian, I know everyone only likes me because of my good grades.” Perhaps the melting candy in his mouth had softened his heart a little, and he said to Jian Wu, “My deskmate used to ask me questions, but last time, I couldn’t answer, and she said I was stupid, then she went to ask someone else.”
Jian Wu remembered Ren Jia’s deskmate was a very lively and carefree girl. Her “stupid” was probably more of a joke than a criticism, but he didn’t immediately defend her, instead, he fell into deep thought.
Academically, Ren Jia was a very bright child. Jian Wu had seen his elementary school graduation report card, he was the top student in his grade.
Jian Wu hadn’t been a teacher for very long. His previous high school class was mostly filled with privileged kids who scored one or two hundred points out of six hundred and still considered themselves the pride of their families. Although he had met some academically gifted students during his year at the affiliated middle school, they were also more confident than average students.
For someone like him, who had never been the top student, Jian Wu stereotypically thought that good students must be very confident. After all, even he, with his above-average grades, was quite confident. He couldn’t imagine how arrogant he would be if his grades were as good as Song Shuci’s, he might even be more of a show-off than Song Shuci.
But Ren Jia showed him another side of high-achieving students.
Jian Wu felt this problem might not be as simple as he thought. He was worried his casual comfort would be counterproductive, so he first reassured Ren Jia, emphasizing that he didn’t dislike him. After seeing him off, he called a friend.
Five out of ten students in his previous high school class had varying degrees of psychological problems. To address these problems, he often consulted the school psychologist, and they gradually became friends.
He discussed this with his friend, who analyzed: “This kind of situation is usually caused by excessive reward and punishment mechanisms during childhood. Think about it, if his gains and losses, since he was young, were all tied to his grades, he would naturally develop a mindset where only good grades are worthy of receiving what he wants.”
“Have you heard of ‘people-pleasing personality’? It’s somewhat similar, only his way of pleasing others is by forcing himself to be excellent. Although he appears to have excellent grades, his inner self is actually unstable. He becomes anxious and insecure when his grades aren’t ideal, insecure about the affections of those around him, worried about their dissatisfaction.”
“You need to understand his past, the reason he developed this mindset,” the psychologist said, “Is it family? Or school? You have to address the root cause, otherwise, in the end, he’ll easily trap himself.”
Jian Wu frowned slightly.
“I understand, thank you.” He first thanked his friend, then called Ren Jia’s homeroom teacher, not mentioning the specifics, just asking about Ren Jia’s family situation.
The seventh-grade homeroom teacher had been busy with home visits throughout September, so her understanding was fresh. She quickly told Jian Wu that Ren Jia’s parents were very strict with him. That day, when she visited his home, she mentioned Ren Jia’s excellent grades, but his parents still seemed dissatisfied, seemingly because they had hoped Ren Jia would go to a better school in the city, not directly to the affiliated middle school, but Ren Jia hadn’t passed the independent admissions for his ideal school.
Learning this, Jian Wu thought, he had probably figured out the situation. So he asked the homeroom teacher for the contact information of Ren Jia’s parents and his elementary school homeroom teacher, planning to talk to them after the National Day holiday.
By the time he finished dealing with these matters, it was already past working hours. He sent Song Shuci a message saying he would be home late. Song Shuci was probably in the kitchen and, unusually, didn’t reply immediately.
He got on his motorcycle, sped up slightly, and rushed home, his mind constantly thinking about how to handle Ren Jia’s situation. At the same time, the fact that Song Shuci hadn’t replied also occupied half of his mind.
Perhaps because he was thinking about these two things simultaneously, his eyelid twitched, and a distant, almost forgotten memory suddenly surfaced.
Song Shuci, during his middle school entrance exam year, hadn’t actually planned to go to No. 6 Middle School.
His grades were too good, so good that his junior high homeroom teacher strongly recommended him to take the entrance exam for a prestigious high school’s special program for gifted students. If he passed, he could skip both the middle and high school entrance exams and go directly to university for pre-university studies.
At the time, Song Shuci’s parents also agreed and enrolled him in many related training programs. Because of these programs, he was so busy that Jian Wu barely had time to play with him. Cheng Xian, on the other hand, came over more often.
Song Shuci was very cold to him during that time. Jian Wu was a little upset at first, but quickly got over it, because his parents said Shuci Gege was working hard for his future, and he shouldn’t disturb him.
But the next time he heard about Song Shuci, it wasn’t that he passed the exam, but that he was hospitalized.
He remembered that day, his parents took him to the hospital. Auntie Xu was crying outside the ward, repeatedly saying it was her fault. His parents were comforting her, and he secretly opened the door and walked into the ward.
Song Shuci clearly saw him, but he ignored him, so Jian Wu walked over and held his hand, which had just had an IV.
Song Shuci tried to pull his hand back, but he held on tighter and said: “Gege, your hand is cold, I’ll warm it up for you.”
Then he saw Song Shuci bury his face in the quilt, his muffled voice coming out: “Why did you come to see me?”
Jian Wu said: “My parents brought me.”
Song Shuci pulled his hand back again with more force. Jian Wu wasn’t as strong as him and couldn’t hold on. He hid his hand under the quilt. Jian Wu reached under the quilt, trying to find his hand, but touched his leg, which had become much thinner.
Song Shuci grabbed his hand, pulled down the quilt, and said coldly: “You’re annoying.”
Jian Wu said again: “But I also miss you, Gege.”
“Miss what?” Song Shuci asked him, “Miss me taking you to buy toys, or snacks?”
“I don’t want toys or snacks, I want you to get better,” Jian Wu said sincerely, “I want to play with you.”
“Don’t you have other friends?” Song Shuci turned his head away.
“But you’re my best friend,” Jian Wu said.
After he said this, Song Shuci finally looked at him. He leaned against the headboard and looked down at him. Song Shuci’s eyelashes were long, and half-lowered, they seemed even longer.
“Jian Xiaowu,” he asked him, “If I didn’t help you with your homework, didn’t buy you food and toys, would you still want to be friends with me?”
Jian Wu leaned forward, his hands on the bed, and looked at him: “Of course.”
He remembered that after he said this, Song Shuci seemed to be silent for a long time, then suddenly reached out and touched his cheek. He didn’t just touch it, but gently caressed it repeatedly.
And the way Song Shuci looked at him was complex, different from usual.
Jian Wu instinctively felt a hint of intimacy at the time, but he was only in eighth grade, his emotional development hadn’t caught up yet, so he didn’t think much about it.
Until the ward door suddenly opened, and Song Shuci instantly withdrew his hand and looked away again. Only then did Jian Wu blush slightly from the lingering warmth on his face.
Later, no one ever mentioned the special program for gifted students again. Song Shuci took the middle school entrance exam as usual and got into No. 6 Middle School, where his father taught. Jian Wu’s father even joked that he should also go to No. 6 Middle School, saying he would personally teach him. Jian Wu always retorted that he didn’t want to be in the same school as his father, deliberately annoying him.
Then his father was diagnosed with a serious illness and passed away, and he ended up going to No. 6 Middle School after all.
As he grew older and gained more knowledge, he gradually learned that Song Shuci’s illness that year was caused by a fever before the exam, which affected his condition, and he had taken an overdose of cold medicine without his parents’ knowledge, resulting in drug poisoning.
And Xu Xiu and Song Guochuan were deeply affected by this incident and changed their parenting style, becoming incredibly lenient with Song Shuci, never again demanding anything academically from him.
The human brain had limited capacity, and new memories easily replaced old ones. Gradually, Jian Wu almost forgot how strict Song Shuci’s parents used to be.
He only remembered that during high school, many people liked Song Shuci because he was handsome and had good grades, and Song Shuci, when pursuing him, was always shamelessly confident.
It was hard to remember that he had asked him that question on his sickbed — “Jian Xiaowu, if I didn’t help you with your homework, didn’t buy you food and toys, would you still want to be friends with me?”
Even if he didn’t have this memory, Jian Wu wouldn’t believe someone like Song Shuci would ever say such a thing.
He hadn’t understood the underlying meaning of that question at the time, just instinctively and sincerely answered it.
But now that he thought about it, wasn’t the reason Song Shuci asked this question because he thought he was just a little follower he had bought with snacks and toys?
Song Shuci was actually insecure.
He thought if he didn’t get into the special program, his parents wouldn’t love him, he thought if he didn’t get good grades and a scholarship to buy Jian Wu the things he liked, Jian Wu wouldn’t want to play with him.
Although he appeared more aloof than Ren Jia, making it seem like he was the one pushing others away, disdainful of relationships, at that age, in junior high, he was essentially no different from Ren Jia.
He was still a child who thought he wouldn’t be loved without good grades.
This was something Jian Wu, almost the same age as Song Shuci at the time, couldn’t see. Only after all these years could he, from Ren Jia, glimpse the sensitive thoughts Song Shuci might have had.
But this contradicted Jian Wu’s perception.
What he remembered more clearly was Song Shuci’s unwavering confidence.
He should be the one who, after not achieving the top score in the city in the college entrance exam, said nonchalantly, under his family’s careful comfort, “It’s better not to be the top scorer, so I don’t have to be bothered by reporters,” and “Being the top scorer is nothing special,” his annoying arrogance evident.
Not the insecure child who, seeking his family’s approval, secretly overdosed on cold medicine before the exam.
He was always so assertive, whether during their relationship or now, after their reunion. Song Shuci always thought he should like him, even after countless rejections, he was always so confident, believing Jian Wu must like him.
But…
But was that really the case?
Then why would Song Shuci be so affected by his words about finding someone rich, why would he work himself to the bone, even to the point of vomiting blood, for his research?
His heart thumped loudly.
Countless times, in bed, out of bed, in pleasure or in pain, Song Shuci’s words echoed in his mind — “Do you love me?”
Certain truths, overlooked because of their closeness, were now brutally revealed.
A long, aching pain spread through Jian Wu’s heart, making him frown. He hurriedly parked his motorcycle by the roadside, clutched his chest, and gasped for air.
But his heart still felt like it was breaking.
He always said Song Shuci didn’t understand him.
But at this moment, he realized painfully that he… had never truly understood Song Shuci either.
