We Can’t Go Back 67

Chapter 67

The process was too familiar, Jian Wu thought.

It was as if time had rewound, returning to every argument he and Song Shuci had before breaking up.

Especially the fight they had on his twenty-fourth birthday, the one triggered by the revelation of his tutoring job.

That was the starting point of their relationship’s breakdown, and like a cycle, or perhaps a convergence of paths, similar things always happened between the same people.

He fell asleep from exhaustion, but the dopamine released from their passion wasn’t enough to mend the sadness in his heart.

He avoided talking to Song Shuci unless absolutely necessary, and Song Shuci also didn’t talk to him. They just silently cooked, ate, showered, had sex, and then slept.

This continued for three days, until a knock came at their door.

They were in the middle of having sex, abruptly pulled out of their passion, both seeing a look of confusion on the other’s face.

“Who is it?” Jian Wu asked.

Song Shuci glanced at the hickeys on his neck, exposed by the gap in the quilt, and subtly looked away: “I don’t know.”

Jian Wu burrowed back into the quilt, “Go and see.”

On the first day, Song Shuci had made him wear clothes, and he had said it was better to just leave the scar exposed for Song Shuci to desensitize himself to, so he hadn’t worn any clothes since. Used condoms littered the floor. In the end, Song Shuci got up first, casually put on a bathrobe, and went to open the door. Seeing the familiar worker, he remembered about the floorboards.

The worker seemed to have told him when he would come, but he had been reading that book at the time, so it went in one ear and out the other. Plus, he and Jian Wu hadn’t even turned on their phones or checked any messages these past two days.

Song Shuci, his memory returning, tried to put him off: “Can you come another day? Sorry, I’m a little busy today.”

The worker was puzzled: “Aren’t you home? What are you busy with?” Seeing Song Shuci didn’t speak, he continued nonchalantly: “Aiyo, I’m already here, just let me install them. I see you’re quite busy, you never reply to my messages, so I just brought the materials directly this time, so we can get it done in one go! I originally wanted you to check the color, but you didn’t reply, so I just chose one based on my own judgment.” He seemed very eager to close the deal and took out the floorboards: “Why don’t you compare the colors first? I think it’s definitely a match. If you think it’s okay, I can install them for you today, and we don’t have to reschedule.”

Song Shuci glanced back. He had closed Jian Wu’s bedroom door when he came out. After a moment of silence, he said to the worker: “Please wait a moment.”

He led the worker to the sofa, then entered the bedroom and closed the door.

“I made an appointment to have the floorboards repaired, the worker is here, should we do it now?” he asked Jian Wu in a low voice.

Jian Wu sat up abruptly, “My room?”

Song Shuci nodded.

“…” Jian Wu looked down at the marks on his body, the words “another day” on the tip of his tongue, but he finally said: “Let me get dressed.” It wasn’t easy for someone to come all the way here.

Song Shuci tossed him a bathrobe, the same one he was wearing.

After a moment, he turned around and put it on. When he turned back, he saw Song Shuci picking up the used condoms from the floor.

He blushed and asked defiantly: “Can I get out of bed now?”

Song Shuci threw the condoms into the trash can in the bedroom. Seeing him dressed, he opened the curtains, turned around, took out a key, and unlocked the chain that connected his left wrist to the headboard.

Then he said: “No.”

Jian Wu glared at him. Song Shuci looked away, pretending not to see, and said, as if reminding him, “Then I’ll let him in,” then left the bedroom and poured the worker a glass of water.

Seeing Jian Wu in bed, the worker suddenly realized: “Oh… you were sleeping?”

In a sense, yes.

“Young people should go out more during the holidays, don’t just sleep at home all day,” the worker said.

Jian Wu and Song Shuci exchanged glances, then looked away simultaneously.

Fortunately, the bedroom window had been slightly open, and there was no ambiguous scent in the room, not enough to arouse suspicion.

The worker was quick and efficient, finishing the job in no time. His skills were indeed good, and his judgment was also accurate. The new floorboards almost perfectly matched the original ones in color and pattern, seamless.

“Alright,” he packed up his things after finishing and reminded them, “The glue has formaldehyde, don’t sleep in this room yet, let it air out for a couple of days.”

After the worker left, Song Shuci returned to the bedroom, looked down at Jian Wu, who was lying in bed with his back to him, took off his bathrobe, tossed it aside, and kissed him.

Jian Wu struggled, “Formaldehyde.”

“Mm.”

“You’re letting me get out of bed now, right?”

“No need.” Song Shuci lifted him up and carried him into his own bedroom.

After another round, Song Shuci chained him to the bed again and went to cook. Jian Wu lay in bed, playing games. When the food was ready, Song Shuci brought it over and fed him spoonful by spoonful.

He had tried to grab the spoon on the first day, but later gave up, letting Song Shuci treat him like a baby, completely at his mercy.

After dinner, Song Shuci wiped his lips. The friction of the tissue made his lips slightly red. Song Shuci looked at them for a moment, then gently kissed him.

Jian Wu leaned back and asked: “Continue?”

Song Shuci’s hand paused. He looked at him in silence for a while, then suddenly asked casually: “Do you want to quit your job?”

Jian Wu glanced at him.

Sensing his gaze, Song Shuci continued: “Don’t you want to retire early anyway? I’ll give you all my money, you can just relax… I just think, being a teacher is too dangerous.”

“Song Shuci…” Jian Wu sighed.

If it were before, he would definitely scold Song Shuci and tell him to get his head checked, to stop being crazy. But now, Jian Wu thought, he understood what Song Shuci was thinking.

Song Shuci was trying to use this method, making him completely dependent on him, under his control, to combat his insecurity about him leaving.

Jian Wu said: “How about we just continue?”

Song Shuci pressed his forehead against his, closed his eyes, and after a moment of silence, started kissing his nose. And he, expertly, caressed Song Shuci’s back, easily eliciting his heavy breathing.

It was a quiet time.

After two days of exploring every toy on him, indulging in using various techniques to make him lose control, then admiring his loss of control, the man, this time, didn’t open his eyes, didn’t deliberately try to stimulate him, just gently and slowly, moving within him.

After they finished, he turned and went to sleep on the sofa.

Jian Wu lay in the darkness, his eyes open.

The chain was still around his wrist. Song Shuci had just put it back on, but because the part touching his wrist was covered with soft cloth, it wasn’t very uncomfortable.

He had been too stimulated and passed out the previous two nights, waking up to another round of passion. Only tonight was he fully awake and able to think.

He inexplicably remembered the National Day holiday he spent with Song Shuci when he first went to City A.

They had planned a budget trip to a city they both wanted to visit, but unexpectedly, that year, every scenic spot was overcrowded.

They were speechless and simply used the money to book a hotel room with a floor-to-ceiling window for seven days, enjoying the city’s night view.

Eighteen, nineteen years old, they were truly passionate then, every look a seduction.

In the many years since, they had never been so unrestrained, until now.

Actually, after Jian Wu failed his first postgraduate entrance exam and returned to City B, their intimacy had drastically decreased. During their year of long-distance, they only saw each other about once every two months. The travel and hotel expenses were a considerable burden for them, especially since their families had cut off their living expenses. Plus, Song Shuci was also busy, even when he went to City A to see him, Song Shuci rarely had time for him.

Later, he went to City A, thinking the situation would improve, but Song Shuci was still very busy. Except for the initial period, later on, it was mostly only when they argued that sex was brought up, used as a way to reconcile.

Jian Wu lay on his side, curled up slightly, hugging his knees.

Song Shuci had said that day that he always used this to solve their problems.

That wasn’t entirely true, Jian Wu thought… it was also his way of expressing love.

He tossed and turned in bed, his mind wandering, thinking about his deceased father, his newlywed mother, and his many years with Song Shuci, losing track of time.

Until he suddenly heard a pained whimper.

He immediately realized Song Shuci was having a nightmare.

The man’s whimpers continued from the living room. Jian Wu quickly sat up. He didn’t look for the key, but took a paperclip from Song Shuci’s desk, quickly unlocked the chain on his wrist, jumped out of bed without even putting on his slippers, and rushed to the living room barefoot.

Song Shuci was lying on the sofa, mumbling in his sleep, it was hard to hear what he was saying, only that he seemed to be in distress. Jian Wu shook him and said: “Wake up, wake up, you’re having a nightmare!”

In the chaotic dream, Song Shuci was certain he heard Jian Wu’s voice. He looked around at the shifting scenery, Jian Wu’s pale face appearing against the bizarre backdrop. A knife was stuck in his abdomen, blood gushing out. He desperately tried to reach Jian Wu, but someone was pulling on his leg.

He struggled repeatedly, but couldn’t break free. He looked back angrily and saw Lu Lizhu holding him back. He kicked Lu Lizhu’s hand away, but new hands sprouted and grabbed him. Just as his anger surged, he turned and saw Jian Wu’s father.

“Uncle Jian…?” Song Shuci said, confused.

“Xiao Song, you’ve disappointed me greatly,” the man looked at him with an expressionless face, “I asked you to take care of Xiao Wu before I passed away, but how did you let him get hurt? I see he’s not happy with you, I’ll take care of him myself from now on.”

“It’s not like that, Uncle!”

Song Shuci saw him lift Jian Wu up, broke free from Lu Lizhu, and rushed towards him, shouting anxiously: “No! You can’t take him away! Jian Wu!”

Jian Wu’s father took a step back, “Stop imposing your will on him.”

“I… no, I was wrong!” Song Shuci shouted desperately, “Jian Wu, don’t go, your dad is already dead, you can’t go with him!”

He lunged forward, trying to grab Jian Wu, but Jian Wu just opened his eyes and said to him indifferently, “Don’t come any closer, I hate your possessiveness, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t want to quit my job, I’m really tired…”

“Jian Wu! Jian Wu!!!”

Song Shuci was still trapped in his nightmare, his voice even louder. This time, Jian Wu heard clearly, Song Shuci was calling his name, his voice filled with urgency.

“I’m here, I’m here!” He also raised his voice and gripped Song Shuci’s hand tightly.

Seeing Jian Wu’s father take Jian Wu away, Song Shuci lunged forward. He clearly missed in his dream, but it felt like he was truly holding something in his arms.

Warm, real.

“Jian Wu!”

Song Shuci finally opened his eyes, shouting Jian Wu’s name. His heart raced, as if he was falling, but then he realized he was holding… the person he had almost lost.

Like falling from a cliff, only to be caught by a soft cloud, making it difficult to distinguish between dream and reality.

“Jian Wu…?” he called out hesitantly, his voice hoarse and trembling.

A familiar, comforting voice instantly rang out: “It’s me, it’s me, I’m here, you were having a nightmare.”

Tears streamed down Song Shuci’s face.

He held him tightly, so tightly that Jian Wu felt like he couldn’t breathe. He could clearly feel the tremors running through the man’s body.

He hesitated for a moment, then hugged him back, gently stroking Song Shuci’s back, and comforted him: “It’s okay, it’s okay now.”

“Jian Wu…” Song Shuci called his name again.

His lips were against his neck, his voice trembling slightly. Jian Wu initially thought it was his imagination, but soon, he heard Song Shuci’s slightly choked voice: “I dreamed you were dying.”

Jian Wu’s heart clenched.

Because he felt Song Shuci’s tears falling on him.

In his memory, in almost thirty years, Song Shuci had never cried like this.

He held him tightly, like a drowning man clinging to a piece of driftwood, silently weeping. Although he tried his best to suppress any sounds, he couldn’t control the instinctive tremors of his body from his overwhelming emotions.

Each tremor resonated with Jian Wu.

“I’m sorry, Jian Wu,” he said, “I take back what I said during dinner, you can do whatever you want… work, or not work, whatever you think is best… don’t leave… don’t leave, don’t… make me unable to find you again…”

Jian Wu’s heart trembled, his eyes also slightly reddening in the darkness.

He wondered if there was a string connecting his heart to Song Shuci’s, how else could he feel so heartbroken seeing Song Shuci cry?

He didn’t know what Song Shuci had dreamed specifically, but he could feel his struggle. In his dream, at the moment he almost lost him, although his desire for control reached its peak, he immediately forced himself to wake up, desperately suppressing his possessiveness.

Because Song Shuci knew his possessiveness would also make him lose him.

Because Song Shuci loved him very much.

Like lava flowing through his heart, this realization made Jian Wu’s limbs weak from the burning heat, but beneath the weakness, a lava-like resolve solidified.

“Song Shuci…”

For the first time, he desperately wanted to express his love to his lover, openly and unreservedly.

He took a deep breath, his lips moving, trying to say those three words, but his throat was tight, his voice so hoarse and broken that it was almost inaudible.

“What did you say?” Song Shuci asked him.

Jian Wu swallowed hard, took another deep breath, and, as if learning to speak for the first time, forced himself to say again—

“I love you.”

Song Shuci’s body froze.

And after the difficult first utterance, everything seemed to become easier and more natural. Jian Wu, as if encouraged, continued firmly: “I love you… Song Shuci, I, I love you very much, I’m with you because I love you, and I also… want to make love to you because I love you.”

Tears streamed down his face as he spoke, but his voice became even more resolute: “I won’t leave you again, Song Shuci, I won’t leave you again, no matter what happens, I absolutely won’t.”

There were two types of possessiveness.

One would become increasingly demanding, the other would gradually subside after being satisfied.

Song Shuci was the latter, because he was only afraid of losing him, not addicted to control itself.

This was something he only understood now.

Before, faced with Song Shuci’s possessiveness, he would mostly choose to avoid, resist, or remain silent.

This was the first time he chose to express his love directly to comfort his insecure lover.

And Song Shuci didn’t disappoint him. Even before his confession, relying on his love for him, he had forcefully suppressed his nightmarish possessiveness.

This was perhaps the biggest difference between this argument and the one before he went to City A.

One led to the demise of their relationship.

The other to its rebirth.