The hotel’s soundproofing was excellent. No matter how fiercely the storm outside battered the floor-to-ceiling windows, the room inside remained as quiet as a silent film.
Dai Linxuan slowly raised his hand. First, he pushed away Lai Li’s chin, then cupped his palm over Lai Li’s eyes. A complex expression that was hard to articulate surged across his face—
“You’re really…”
Lawless?
Twisting right and wrong?
For a moment, Dai Linxuan couldn’t tell which of those two phrases—”So what if you’re my blood brother?” or “You provoked me first”—stirred up the more turbulent, damper waves in his heart.
In the past, he had thought Lai Li was just a bit domineering and flamboyant, but he still had basic morals. Even in their generation’s murky social circles, Lai Li hadn’t stooped to that level…
Now, however, he had the illusion of “seeing Lai Li clearly for the first time,” and it surprisingly meshed well with Lai Li.
But perhaps compared to the Lai Li who said such things, it was his own morals that were more corrupt—he was the one whose heart skipped a beat upon hearing them.
It was as if, even setting aside that night two years ago, many things Lai Li had done crossed the line, but that was because he hadn’t given Lai Li proper, positive emotional guidance, leading to today’s outcome.
In the world’s taboo affections, the one in the superior position—the elder—was always the one at fault. Like teacher and student, doctor and patient, or brothers like them.
A young person’s mind was immature, ignorant of the world’s depths. He should have known better.
Lai Li wasn’t satisfied with the sudden darkness in his vision. He forcibly removed Dai Linxuan’s hand and intertwined their ten fingers, pressing it against the door as well. He demanded dominantly, “Bro, look at me. No dodging.”
Dai Linxuan was like a sinner nailed to a cross, awaiting an inescapable judgment.
He fell silent for a moment, then softened his voice. “Let go first. We’ll sit down and talk properly.”
The entryway wasn’t spacious, with cabinets around. Any big movement could lead to bumps and bruises.
“Why should I talk just because you want to?” Lai Li said discontentedly. “When I sincerely wanted to talk before, what did you give me? A mouthful of lies, and insignificant smokescreens thrown out to cover other things.”
“…” Dai Linxuan had no words.
Their fingers were interlocked seamlessly, impossible to pull apart. Fortunately, his right hand was only pinned at the wrist. Dai Linxuan broke free smoothly, then grabbed Lai Li’s shoulder and flipped him with force.
Their positions swapped in an instant. Lai Li’s back was now against the door. Even with his wrist twisted painfully behind him, he refused to let go of their intertwined fingers, sticking like a plaster.
In this awkward position, Lai Li turned his head back and stared intently into Dai Linxuan’s eyes. “Bro, what are you resisting?”
Dai Linxuan’s lips moved, but for a long while, he didn’t utter a word. It was as if Lai Li hadn’t said, “Bro, what are you resisting?” but rather, “Bro, you can’t refuse me at all.”
He abruptly released the arm restraining Lai Li. As he turned, the momentum shook their intertwined fingers loose, and he walked toward the living room sofa.
His steps slowed more and more until he turned and sank onto the sofa in exhaustion, spreading his knees and propping his elbows on them as he pressed his temples.
Whenever he had thought before about how they had reached this point, Dai Linxuan had felt utterly disgusted. But after actually kissing, exchanging oxygen and saliva in each other’s mouths, his stomach was surprisingly calm.
As if mocking him for being a hypocritical pretender.
Familiar footsteps approached slowly. A pair of black sneakers stopped at the edge of his vision.
Dai Linxuan said tiredly, “Since you don’t want me to leave, be a dear and grab two sets of pajamas yourself. The luggage is in the dressing room.”
Lai Li looked down at the top of his head. “So you can run away?”
Dai Linxuan fell silent. “Are you some kind of terrorist that I need to escape from?”
Lai Li slowly crouched down, intruding into the narrow dimness between Dai Linxuan’s legs. He coaxed softly, “Bro, if you’re gay, there won’t be a better choice than me.”
Dai Linxuan looked at him silently, his light-colored pupils dim at that moment.
Lai Li arched his body and slowly stood, like a beast on the attack, forcing Dai Linxuan to gradually spread his arms and lean back against the sofa. Lai Li braced himself on either side of Dai Linxuan’s body, one knee pressing onto the sofa, the other leg still wedged between Dai Linxuan’s to prevent him from closing them.
“I’ll never betray you, never sell you out. Most importantly, you like me.” Only when Dai Linxuan was completely overshadowed by his own shadow did Lai Li stop. He directly reached out and covered the bulging spot. “I can bear your desires and be your boyfriend.”
Dai Linxuan said, “A boyfriend no one else will ever know about?”
Lai Li’s eyes flickered slightly. “Isn’t it enough if just the two of us know? No need to stir up unnecessary trouble and get criticized…”
“You’re right, no need.” Dai Linxuan removed his hand and pressed it to his side. “No need to become boyfriends either—the best way to avoid criticism is not to start at all.”
Lai Li: “Bro…”
Dai Linxuan interrupted, “Let me finish.”
He lowered his gaze, as if looking at Lai Li’s leg, or perhaps unfocused, just picking a random point in the air.
“Little Li, you seem to have an… extraordinary desire to control me. You’ve shown it since you were little. Like using sob stories to manipulate my emotions, my attention…”
Dai Linxuan had first realized this during Lai Li’s first New Year at the Dai Family Old Mansion. That night had been a raging storm, just like now.
Dai Songxue hadn’t allowed them to sleep together, but in the middle of the night, Lai Li had climbed out the guest room window, braved the downpour to reach Dai Linxuan’s window, and trembled as he said he was scared after being let in.
Dai Linxuan had felt heartbroken at the time, but he wasn’t a fool. He quickly realized that if he was really that scared, why walk into the storm voluntarily?
Another time, Lai Li had argued with Dai Yi and pushed her. Dai Linxuan had seen it and rarely scolded him sternly.
That night, Lai Li disappeared. Dai Linxuan anxiously searched for a long time before finding him curled up in the washing machine drum.
Lai Li had said softly, “If you don’t want me anymore, just send me back.”
No one could harden their heart against that.
There were many similar incidents. Dai Linxuan had never taken it to heart, assuming Lai Li hadn’t received enough love as a child and was overly insecure. Over time, he habitually gave Lai Li extra attention, fulfilling all his needs to prevent him from hurting himself for attention.
…
Dai Linxuan asked, “When I said we should draw a clear line before, it made you feel out of control, right?”
Lai Li paused almost imperceptibly.
“If you just want a position that’s easy to control me from, there’s no need to go this far.” Dai Linxuan raised his hand and tucked a stray lock of Lai Li’s hair behind his ear. “Even setting aside the twisted feelings, you hold a unique special place for me. That will never change.”
Lai Li narrowed his eyes. “What are you trying to say?”
Dai Linxuan looked at him for a moment, then said softly, “Little Li, I can give you back the old brother.”
Lai Li asked, “How?”
“To me, brother and boyfriend aren’t 1+1=2 in weight. What they can give you is actually pretty much the same.” Dai Linxuan lowered his wrist and said calmly, “You don’t want me liking men? Then I won’t. We’ll be intimate just like before…”
Lai Li didn’t speak.
Dai Linxuan straightened up and exhaled lightly. “I don’t need a hollow romance, or fuck buddies or bedmates. Not from you or anyone else. Got it?”
Lai Li: “Then what do you want?”
Dai Linxuan wasn’t disappointed. He turned his face away and smiled.
Lai Li looked twenty-two, but he really didn’t understand emotions at all—just had an adult’s body.
What had he been thinking two years ago to believe Lai Li truly liked him?
“It doesn’t matter.” Dai Linxuan straightened Lai Li’s disheveled clothes from their earlier struggle. “What matters is you want to go back to how things were, and I agree.”
“…”
The atmosphere fell into a long silence, broken only by the intermittent sound of rain outside the window.
Dai Linxuan felt much lighter inside, figuring Lai Li should be able to see reason.
Lai Li tilted his head and leaned close to sniff Dai Linxuan’s lips. “Go back to how things were? The night of your birthday two years ago was ‘before’ too—of course.”
Dai Linxuan’s heart sank. His worst fear had come true.
Since returning to the country, Lai Li had gone from initial irritable resistance to now scheming every way to get closer. Besides feeling out of control, it was probably because of that night two years ago.
Lai Li stubbornly believed that since they’d done it, their relationship had changed, so he could take it further.
Lai Li had always been like this—as long as he could manipulate him, he didn’t care what situation he put himself in or how much he got hurt.
Tonight’s kiss was the same nature as the knife from Tang Yuanyang that he’d deliberately orchestrated before, or getting soaked in a storm years ago and burning with fever. No difference.
“When you first came back, you actually wanted to drag me down into depravity with you, right? Of course, you were wrong—I was already depraved. I was only barely human because of you.”
Lai Li lowered his head and nuzzled into the hollow of Dai Linxuan’s neck, rubbing his lips back and forth over his skin. “Then you suddenly had a ‘change of conscience,’ picked up useless morals and guilt, thinking as the older brother you shouldn’t do this…”
Dai Linxuan’s eyelashes trembled, and he slightly pulled his neck away.
Lai Li continued slowly, “Actually, it all stems from that night two years ago. We slept together, adding another layer to our relationship. But soon after, I did something that hurt you, so you chose to go abroad.
“Everything you did to me after returning was based on the assumption that I remembered, like a form of revenge. But one day… I guess it was the day I took the ring to auction… you suddenly realized I didn’t remember. From then on, you’ve been drowning in guilt every day, right?”
“…”
“But Bro, I don’t have a habit of blacking out. Even after downing a whole bottle of whiskey, I never get so drunk I lose consciousness.” Lai Li looked up, meeting Dai Linxuan’s downcast gaze. “—How many drinks did I have that night?”
Dai Linxuan involuntarily sank into memories. He remembered everything from that night crystal clear, as if carved into his bones with a knife. It had been his only solace for the past two years, and also the evidence that damned him to hell once he realized Lai Li didn’t remember.
They hadn’t drunk much that night—six or seven cocktails, not high-proof. He hadn’t gotten drunk, let alone Lai Li, who had been carousing with Jing Deyu and the others since he was sixteen.
Dai Linxuan sighed lightly. “So why don’t you remember? Did a door slam on your head?”
It was rare for his brother to be so sharp-tongued, but Lai Li had no time to marvel. He was weighing in his mind how to phrase it, how much to say.
Dai Linxuan lowered his eyes and smiled, patting Lai Li’s waist. “Get up. It’s not a big deal…”
Lai Li said abruptly, “I submitted a leave of absence application.”
“Leave of absence?” Dai Linxuan’s eyes snapped up, brows furrowing tightly. “Something this big and you didn’t say a word? You really don’t plan to acknowledge me as your brother anymore, huh!?”
Lai Li: “Would you have agreed if I told you?”
Dai Linxuan took a deep breath. “Why take a leave?”
Lai Li answered, “To get treatment.”
“…What?” Dai Linxuan was stunned.
“You know, right? I’m seeing a psychologist.” Lai Li flashed a standard smile. “I have a problem. I don’t even know what to diagnose it as—amnesia? Schizophrenia? It’s not just that night; actually, I don’t remember a lot of things.”
Dai Linxuan: “I…”
“Of course you don’t know.” Lai Li covered his mouth, his eyes deep and dark. “The one I wanted to hide it from most was you. I put the most effort into fooling you. How would you find out?”
Dai Linxuan glanced at the wound on Lai Li’s face, his brows knitting even tighter.
Lai Li noticed his gaze and said indifferently, “Oh, that? I didn’t do it myself. I don’t have a hobby for self-harm. Ah… if it scars and ruins this face, will you still like me?”
Dai Linxuan pulled his hand away and pinned it firmly to the side. “Explain clearly. What illness?”
Lai Li licked his lips and asked again, “Bro, I have mental illness. Do you still like me?”
Dai Linxuan couldn’t hold back and smacked his butt. “Lai Li!”
Was this the time to obsess over that answer? Did he really need his affection?
At the same time, disbelief surged in his heart. How could Lai Li be ill? How long? What caused it? …And he knew nothing.
“I like you, no matter what.” Dai Linxuan held his temper and coaxed softly, “If you don’t know what it is, you must know some symptoms that bother you.”
Lai Li did not answer directly. He fell silent for a moment before saying, “Bro, I didn’t mean to sleep with you and then act like nothing happened. I also didn’t mean to smash the cactus… or that ring.”
Dai Linxuan couldn’t connect with his emotions at that moment. He truly felt none of those things mattered anymore—all that remained was heart-pounding alarm.
If Lai Li was really sick, then as his big brother, he had failed to notice anything for so long… That would be the height of negligence.
“From what I know of you, there’s no way you took the initiative that night.” Lai Li leaned in and rubbed against his brother’s face, smiling smugly. “So you don’t need to feel guilty. It was all my fault.”
Dai Linxuan pushed Lai Li away. His mind raced as he thought of contacts with reputable psychologists. He pulled out his phone and opened his address book.
Lai Li snatched the phone and tossed it onto the carpet in the distance. “This isn’t like a fever or a cold. Even if you find a doctor now, I can’t recover overnight.”
Dai Linxuan said, “Then tomorrow. I’ll contact one right now…”
Lai Li refused to yield an inch. “Let’s settle our business first.”
“We’ve already settled our business.” Dai Linxuan’s brows stayed furrowed. He scolded, “You said yourself this isn’t a fever or a cold. Don’t treat it like a joke either.”
Seeing his brother still with that attitude, Lai Li lost all patience. He grabbed Dai Linxuan’s hand and guided it to himself. “You say I have a controlling desire toward you. Is this controlling desire too?”
“…”
In his thirty years, Dai Linxuan had encountered all sorts of people, but none had ever given him this absurd sense of talking past each other like Lai Li did—frustrating and helpless.
They were completely on different wavelengths. He cared about Lai Li’s condition, while Lai Li only wanted to achieve his goal.
“Bro.” Lai Li buried himself in the crook of his neck and nuzzled forcefully. “As long as we do what we did that night one more time, I’ll remember.”
Dai Linxuan closed his eyes for a moment and laughed in exasperation. Compared to his own reaction, which had long subsided, Lai Li remained bold and unrelenting from start to finish.
Lai Li wrapped his other arm around his shoulders, burying his face even deeper, while slipping his hand into his waistband. “Feel it… Bro, please you.”
