Chapter 20

Because of a single offhand remark from Lu Qingyuan, Chen Annan’s little mood didn’t fade even after school started.

It should have been the kind of thing a night’s sleep could fix. But instead, upon waking, the more he thought about it, the sadder he became. All the bad feelings rushed out like water from an open sluice gate, pouring out in torrents.

In his dream, Chen Annan had entered high school, but his grades were as terrible as ever. Lu Qingyuan squeezed out every spare moment to give him extra lessons, yet no matter how hard he tried, his marks remained stuck in mediocrity, never improving.

After yet another final exam, he inevitably came home with a test paper covered in red crosses.

Lu Qingyuan was still his cold, sarcastic self. He mocked, “Dad, Chen Annan got another big fat zero. He’s too stupid. Let’s just not want him anymore, send him back home!”

Chen Annan pouted. He had never been scolded this harshly. He felt wronged, and a little scared—afraid he really would be sent away, becoming a child nobody wanted. He didn’t dare speak, tears streaming down his face in broken lines.

Lu Qingyuan frowned, more impatient than ever. “All you do is cry? You’re eighteen years old and you still only know how to cry. What use are you?”

Lu Wenyuan said nothing, only sighed.

A few days later, Chen Annan really was sent back to his hometown. Getting to school meant walking dozens of miles every day. Through winter cold and summer heat, his body finally collapsed under the wind and snow. On the brink of death, Lu Qingyuan came to see him.

Chen Annan said in a tiny voice, “I’ll definitely try my best… please don’t abandon me?”

Yet Lu Qingyuan watched him coldly. “Trying your best is useless now. Your brain’s all rotted from drinking milk tea. From now on, you can only get big fat zeros—!”

Chen Annan jolted awake, a cold sweat soaking his forehead. His heart was still hammering violently, threatening to leap out of his throat.

He grabbed his little blanket and wiped the sweat away, thinking this nightmare was truly too terrifying. So terrifying that even for a long time afterward, just remembering it would make his heart thump with unease.

Beside him, Lu Qingyuan reached over and switched off the alarm clock. Turning his head, he saw Chen Annan staring at him in a daze. Thinking the kid wasn’t fully awake yet, he said, “You can sleep ten more minutes. I’ll call you.”

It was only the first week back at school. Chen Annan hadn’t recovered from the laziness of the holidays these past few days and needed to laze in bed every morning. It was always Lu Qingyuan who, right on time, hauled him up to get dressed and put on his shoes.

But today, for a rare change, Chen Annan didn’t laze in bed. He also ignored him.

Before Lu Qingyuan could figure out what was going on, he saw Chen Annan turning his backside toward him, fumbling his way off the foot of the bed by himself. He didn’t know what he stepped on, but his mouth immediately pressed into an even tighter pout. Turning his back, he wiped his eyes, his face full of grievance, and left.

Lu Qingyuan couldn’t understand why he was suddenly being given the cold shoulder. Lu Wenyuan thought it was strange too.

Normally such a smiley child, now no matter what they tried, he wouldn’t laugh. His thin eyelids drooped low as he ate his oatmeal and milk porridge with a spoon. After finishing, he shouldered his own schoolbag to go to school, not even asking his brother to help carry it anymore.

Lu Wenyuan asked, “What happened between you two?”

Lu Qingyuan didn’t know, and said nothing. He carried his own schoolbag and got out of the car. From the moment he got out, he and Chen Annan parted ways. He didn’t even walk him to his classroom anymore.

Lu Wenyuan watched them enter the school one after the other, completely unable to make sense of it.

Everything had been perfectly fine before bed last night. How could things turn out like this upon waking? Before, when they argued, there was always an inevitable process they had to go through. This time, it seemed they had skipped the process and gone straight into a cold war.

Chen Annan didn’t explain, Lu Qingyuan didn’t explain. No one knew what was wrong. In any case, they weren’t getting along and it was about to fall apart.

When it was time for bed, Chen Annan hugged his Snoopy, carried his little pillow, and also took along a few of Lu Qingyuan’s sketchbooks, running back to Lu Wenyuan’s room.

Lu Qingyuan wasn’t known for having an easygoing temperament either. Seeing Chen Annan ignoring him, he certainly wasn’t going to go smack a cold face with a warm one. He also set his small face in a tight, stiff expression, shut himself in his room, and worked on problems.

The next day, Lu Wenyuan saw Lu Qingyuan come to his room, retrieve his sketchbooks, and toss over a math workbook—the one Chen Annan had desperately searched for during the day but couldn’t find.

For three days straight, there were still no signs of reconciliation.

Chen Annan was naturally a little chatterbox. Before, he loved to lie next to Lu Qingyuan before bed and talk. Now, with no one to listen to his rambling, he started communicating with Cotton Candy. The little dog, so fluffy-soft, licked its little master’s fingers and exposed its round belly to be petted.

Chen Annan played with it for a while, then said, “You’re the best. Even if I get a zero, you still like me.”

Cotton Candy whimpered and cooed, begging for affection.

Lu Qingyuan watched the kid hugging that dog, mumbling and muttering something. The TV host’s measured, steady voice drifted over with a familiar rhythm. He deliberately raised the volume a few notches, drowning out Chen Annan’s words.

This little temper tantrum of Chen Annan’s lasted quite a long time. For days after school, he didn’t wait for Lu Qingyuan to fill his water bottle. When classes ended, he didn’t wait for his brother to walk together to the school gate either. He’d rather let his shoelaces drag on the ground and risk tripping than ask someone else to tie them.

The two of them silently clashed like this for a whole week. It was on the fifth day that Lu Wenyuan began to notice something was really off with the child.

Before, Chen Annan would always smile with just a little teasing. His feigned anger couldn’t hold up for even two seconds under Lu Wenyuan’s playful provocation before surrendering. But this time, not only did he not smile, he also started spacing out, as if his mind was somewhere else.

Little kids tend to get stuck in their own head. Sometimes, if adults don’t guide them out, they can’t figure things out on their own.

At bedtime, Lu Wenyuan wrapped his arms around Chen Annan and asked, “How did you get angry with your brother?”

Chen Annan butted him with his head, stubbornly silent. Lu Wenyuan laughed at the headbutt. Chen Annan was too young and tender; even his anger seemed like acting spoiled. Besides, he was so pretty. The soft lamplight slanted across his face, and the shadows cast by his long lashes made him look even more like a dejected little rabbit.

In the past, when he was in a huff, it was usually just an overnight thing. Chen Annan had never been like this before, not even telling Lu Wenyuan what was wrong.

“Brother loves you very much too. It’s just that sometimes his way of loving isn’t quite right.” Lu Wenyuan patted his back. “Alright now, my good boy, don’t be angry anymore. If you get sick from anger, my heart will ache.”

Chen Annan turned his face away, not making a sound. His disappointment was about to spill over.

He was truly hard to soothe this time. Even when Lu Wenyuan coaxed him gently, he just lay there, staring blankly at one spot, looking utterly lost.

The two of them remained in a stalemate for a few more days. On the tenth day, after school, as Lu Qingyuan was packing his things, he inexplicably found a notebook in an inner compartment of his schoolbag.

It had a sky-blue cover, with a tiny Snoopy drawn on a blank page.

Lu Qingyuan was stunned for a good long while. He absolutely didn’t own a notebook like this. But seeing the little dog avatar on the cover page, he figured it must be Chen Annan’s, somehow ending up in his bag by mistake.

A gust of wind through the window flipped the pages open with a rustle, revealing several lines of large, crooked writing inside.

【Feb 18 (Little Sun doodle)

Brother bought me chicken drumstick and bean curd today. Brother is the bestest brother in the world. I want to be with brother for my whole life(^▽^)】

【Feb 23 (Dark Cloud doodle)

Had a bad dreem. How can I stop getting big fat zeros o(╥﹏╥)o I don’t want to be a stupid kid】

【Feb 26 (Dark Cloud hiding a Little Sun doodle)

Dogs are still better. Dogs won’t think I’m stupid. Dogs are the bestest dogs in the world】

Everything written inside was about daily trivialities and bits of life. Lu Qingyuan was about to put the notebook away, but his gaze inadvertently swept over the last line. He could tell that this time, the writer of these notes was very, very sad. Before the words were even fully formed, tears had already soaked through the thin paper, bleeding outward and warping a line of text:

【It feels like I’m about to be washed away QAQ… I don’t want to be washed away so fast…】