Chapter 21

These ten days felt like years to Chen Annan. The sadness kept piling up, almost brewing into a vast ocean.

After he started his little temper tantrum, Lu Qingyuan just stopped looking after him, stopped paying him any attention.

During those days, Chen Annan kept feeling like something wasn’t quite right in his mouth. It seemed like a few teeth were loose. In class, he couldn’t help but lick them with the tip of his tongue, or touch them with his fingers, totally unable to figure out what was going on.

Before the tooth problem could be solved, his little habit of not being able to concentrate in class got him criticized by the teacher several more times.

Chen Annan was most afraid of being criticized. Every time he got scolded, his face would flush hot all the way to his ears. His ashamed and embarrassed look was truly pitiful. When class ended, he would wilt and lie on his desk, not knowing what to do.

At first, Chen Annan thought the loose teeth were from that fall he’d taken. But very soon, he sensed something was wrong.

The faint taste of rust that now and then diffused inside his mouth terrified him. Many times, Chen Annan wanted to call out “Brother”, but seeing Lu Qingyuan’s cold face and fierce expression, he held it back again and again, and kept his mouth shut.

Uncle had been working really hard lately, coming home very late every day. He didn’t want to trouble Uncle.

Later, a few times while brushing his teeth, he found he was faintly spitting out some blood. Later still, as he was brushing, he looked down and saw—a tooth had actually fallen out!

The rusty taste in his mouth instantly spread across the tip of his tongue. Chen Annan couldn’t recover for a long while.

He had never heard of losing teeth. He couldn’t understand how a tooth could just fall out. Even more, how could a fine person just start spitting blood? In that instant, a sense of absurd and shocking fear quietly crept up from the bottom of his heart. Chen Annan dully picked up his little baby tooth, his mind completely blank.

In his young memory, before Mom left, she had been like this too—spitting blood day and night, losing her hair. Except now it was his turn, and he was losing teeth.

Before he could think it through, within a few days, another little baby tooth detached itself. Chen Annan was completely dumbfounded.

It’s over. Am I going to die? He touched the gap where teeth were missing, thinking in utter despair.

He stopped paying attention in class entirely, his whole being sinking into a state of grief and absent-mindedness. When the teacher made him stand as punishment, he just picked up his book and silently walked to the back of the classroom, taking his punishment in sorrow and gravity.

His pitiful look was truly endearing in a heartbreaking way. The teacher sighed and told him to return to his seat. He obediently went back, then continued spacing out.

What was the point of studying if he was going to die anyway?

Chen Annan fell into a massive, primordial tragedy. Terrified, wronged, and in despair, he thought—if Uncle knew his days were numbered, would he be very sad? He absolutely couldn’t bear to see Uncle cry. Then he’d have to hide in some place without people, and secretly die there.

Would Brother be sad? Chen Annan watched Lu Qingyuan sitting on the sofa watching TV. He slowly edged over, stealing a glance, then another, and called out a nearly inaudible “Brother.”

But Lu Qingyuan only watched TV, completely ignoring him.

With that, Chen Annan’s heart shattered into pieces.

On one hand, he was tormented by the agony of impending life and death. On the other, he felt Lu Qingyuan’s indifference made him seem like a disposable object.

Toward the end, he didn’t even want to speak anymore. When Xie Xi called him, he ignored him. When Lu Wenyuan spoke to him, he couldn’t smile. He often stared blankly at one spot, and with his little gap-toothed smile that let air whistle through, he secretly wiped away tears in the middle of the night.

How could he be about to die? He didn’t want to die yet…

Chen Annan felt deeply hurt once again. He poured all his self-perceived hidden emotions into his diary, completely unaware that Lu Qingyuan hadn’t responded simply because the TV volume was up too loud.

Now, the diary lay exposed in the shadows of sunlight. Lu Qingyuan stared at those rows of misspelled words, frowning for a long time.

He put the diary away. The corridor outside the classroom faced the sports field directly. In the distance, he saw Chen Annan squatting alone under a flowerbed, aimlessly scratching the plastic floor with small pebbles.

Quiet and docile, like a lonely little dog.

“Chen Annan.”

Hearing someone call him, Chen Annan blankly raised his head. To his surprise, he saw his brother waving him over.

“Come here,” Lu Qingyuan said to him.

Chen Annan didn’t move. His head drooped back down, very low, his gaze landing emptily on the white sneakers not far away.

Lu Qingyuan had to walk over himself. He also squatted down, lifted the boy’s chin, and said, “Come on, open up. Let me see.”

Their gazes met. Chen Annan froze for a few seconds, then obediently opened his mouth.

Lu Qingyuan cradled his head, looked carefully against the sunlight, confirmed which baby tooth had fallen out, and said, “This one on the left is about to fall out too. You’re at the age for losing teeth. New ones will grow back before long. During this time, you can’t eat too many sweets. Don’t be picky with food. And don’t you dare lick the gap—the new tooth might grow in crooked.”

Chen Annan’s eyes flew wide open. He looked a bit overwhelmed and nervous.

Brother’s hands were damp, freshly washed. Touching his face, they brought a thread of coolness. “It’s nothing, don’t be afraid.” His voice was very calm, carried on the wind with a touch of softness.

All the chaos in his heart seemed to settle into peace after these words. Chen Annan looked up at his brother, innocently aggrieved. He opened his mouth, but still couldn’t speak.

“Come on. Let’s go home.”

Lu Qingyuan reached out his hand to pull him up. But when the child stood, there was an imperceptible hitch in the motion. Lu Qingyuan noticed. He crouched back down and lifted Chen Annan onto the flowerbed.

“Foot fell asleep?” Lu Qingyuan took off the shoe with the untied laces.

Chen Annan finally reacted this time, nodding, a soft “Mm.”

Lu Qingyuan slowly massaged his foot to relieve the numbness. Chen Annan’s other foot dangled in the air, swinging unconsciously.

The two of them fell silent again. Chen Annan hung his head. For the first time, he didn’t know how to start. Making up after a standoff was a very drawn-out process. He held it back, held it back, then called out, “Brother.”

Lu Qingyuan didn’t answer directly. Instead, he asked, “Why were you angry? Why did you ignore me?”

Now it was Chen Annan’s turn to go quiet. His fingers picked at the hem of his clothes. The rims of his eyes slowly reddened. Finally, he said sadly, “You think I’m stupid.”

“?” Lu Qingyuan frowned. When? How come he didn’t know about this?

“Last time you said I get big fat zeros.” There was disdain in that voice. Chen Annan could sense it acutely. He was just too sensitive to other people’s emotions. The slightest hint of negativity would be magnified countless times in his heart.

“But I don’t want to either. I’m already trying really hard,” Chen Annan’s voice grew softer and softer. “I know I’m stupid, but everything you taught me, I’ve really been reviewing it properly—”

He wanted to explain more, but Lu Qingyuan cut him off first. “I didn’t look down on you.”

Chen Annan opened his mouth, listening as his brother continued, “I know you work very hard. But not everyone is good at science. You sing very beautifully.”

He wasn’t particularly interested in artistic things. But he had, during those times when his mom tutored Chen Annan, listened to him sing a full song from start to finish.

It had to be said, Chen Annan singing was like a lively skylark. His little head would bob slightly to the melody, bit by bit, incredibly cute. Cuter than at any other time.

That day, Lu Qingyuan watched him through the window for a very long time. He watched him finish the song, then realize with a start that he was there too, scrambling to the window, pressing his nose flat against it, excitedly greeting his brother.

Lu Qingyuan turned his face away, the corner of his mouth slightly lifting where the sunlight didn’t reach.

Lu Wenyuan always said, everyone shines brilliantly in their own field. It doesn’t necessarily have to be academics.

So, Lu Qingyuan didn’t think poor grades were some huge deal either.

Chen Annan’s foot was no longer numb. He used his peripheral vision to peek at the emotions in the other’s eyes, watching his brother put his shoe back on, retying the loose laces into a pretty butterfly bow.

Their two shadows stretched long in the sunlight. Lu Qingyuan suddenly said, “Don’t be angry anymore. Make up with me.”

Chen Annan swung his little legs, blinking his eyes.

Arguments and such were small matters. In truth, what he’d feared most these past days, was that his brother didn’t want him anymore. His innocence and simplicity were like a raw, uncarved jade, letting all the good and bad show plainly on the surface, without any impurities. He always loved to awkwardly protect his own small, fragile glass heart.

Chen Annan’s mood lifted because of this. He rolled up his blanket and carried it back to Lu Qingyuan’s room.

The spring rains came late this year. After the rain came clear skies. Lu Qingyuan wrapped up the little baby tooth he’d lost and threw it onto the roof. Chen Annan asked why he had to throw it—he was now a little gap-tooth whose speech whistled when he talked.

Lu Qingyuan said, “Throw it up, and the new tooth will grow out quickly.” By the time all of them have fallen out, you’ll have grown up.