Chapter 24: Happiness

Chi Lanyi’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He gave Gao Rong an awkward, fleeting glance. Then, even more carefully, he stepped into the room, as if afraid his breath might disturb the finest embroidery thread.

He touched the seam ripper, touched the brass tacks on the edge of the workbench used to secure fabric. For a long while, he carefully stroked every single pencil in the drawer. What the skin of his palm felt were real, solid objects.

This was truly his studio. A studio inside a house. A house where he could eat, sleep, shower. In a place functionally defined as a “home,” he now had a studio that could carry his passion. A “home” that validated him.

In that moment, all suspicions of a “trap” crumbled. Even if his nerves felt something was off, the surging emotion drowned all rationality.

Perhaps there truly was such a thing as destined love. Perhaps Gao Rong understood him so well because they were fated soulmates. Chi Lanyi chose to believe he had encountered a miracle.

He hugged a bolt of fabric. He started to sob, then couldn’t help but wail. He cried his heart out, yet desperately tried to muffle the sound, just like that child who, after being slapped by his father, sobbed quietly, afraid of being discovered.

Gao Rong stood behind him, watching silently. Too easily moved. Too easily consumed by emotion. Chi Lanyi was too closed off, never willing to expose his deepest, truest vulnerabilities. Because the moment he showed a fragile spot, he was so easily touched, so easily dismantled. Like in this moment, Gao Rong knew with absolute clarity, Chi Lanyi had completely cried himself out.

He waited a long time, until Chi Lanyi’s breakdown softened to sniffles, until the shell Chi Lanyi had built was shattered by his own hand and turned limp, until Chi Lanyi wouldn’t be crushed by his “seeing.” Only then did he crouch down.

Gao Rong’s hand paused in mid-air for half a second, as if confirming Chi Lanyi’s current state. Then he embraced him, like holding a fragile treasure, yet his arms were steady and powerful, as if placing his possession back where it belonged. He didn’t press close, but let Chi Lanyi know he would always be there. He said nothing, just let his body heat and scent seep into Chi Lanyi’s body. Gao Rong waited silently for Chi Lanyi’s judgment.

And so, soft hair carrying the scent of Freesia brushed against his chin. It stiffened for a split second—the last struggle of reason. And then it gave up. The damp, warm, freshly wept Chi Lanyi collapsed against him.

Even though Chi Lanyi was too choked up to speak, even though he was too fragile and chaotic to offer any contract or action as a promise, the body leaning into him, the fingers clutching the fabric of his clothes—all told Gao Rong one thing. He had won Chi Lanyi. After a two-month siege.

Gao Rong closed his eyes, holding him tighter, adding a sentence in his heart. And also, after finally discovering the differences between 19-year-old Chi Lanyi and the Chi Lanyi of the future. For instance, 19-year-old Chi Lanyi was so naive and transparent, he would even tell him about his childhood, about the shadows and longings he’d never spoken of in their past life.

…

At two in the morning, Gao Rong went down to the first floor. He pushed the door open and saw Chi Lanyi still in the studio. Chi Lanyi sat on the floor, spreading out a bolt of champagne-colored silk. His eyes were closed, his fingers gently stroking its texture. Like a child deliberately shutting off his other senses to make his sense of touch more acute, to feel the world in the most primal, original way.

Chi Lanyi was up late. The presentation was tomorrow afternoon, yet he was still nestled in his dreamlike wonderland, like Peter Pan refusing to leave Neverland. But Gao Rong offered no reminder, no words. He leaned against the wall, suddenly wondering if this was the happiest, most peaceful moment of Chi Lanyi’s life so far. In their past life, during their five years as lovers and seven years of marriage, had Chi Lanyi ever had a moment this happy? Maybe not. The past life’s Chi Lanyi had hidden his past so deeply. He had never mentioned anything about his childhood.

This should have been the moment Gao Rong had every right to feel triumphant, to feel his wishes fulfilled. He had assessed Chi Lanyi, approached him, controlled him—coldly, precisely, like handling the most chaotic, complex project of his life. He hadn’t even made his plans this meticulous when swallowing international conglomerates in the past. And he had never achieved success like today. The corpse of a giant corporation was just numbers representing money. But Chi Lanyi was the hottest designer of the next decade, and the spouse who had personally pushed him into the abyss of death in his past life.

Yet Gao Rong felt as if he still hadn’t found happiness. The ecstasy he should have felt from having his possessiveness and desire to conquer fully satisfied felt no different, in this moment, from forcing a cigarette he’d smoked into Chi Lanyi’s mouth.

Gao Rong frowned. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was still planning for the future. After all, this was only the beginning of a one-sided, locked-in relationship with Chi Lanyi for the years to come.

But Chi Lanyi seemed to hear his footsteps. The youth threw aside the fabric in his hands, stood up awkwardly and shyly, his cheeks flushed, looking at him. “Did I wake you? Gao… Are you still not asleep?”

After saying “Gao,” Chi Lanyi had choked up. Gao Rong thought coolly, this was because he had told him just today that he disliked the “Mr. Gao” address. But Chi Lanyi himself clearly hadn’t figured out what word was more suitable yet. Gao Rong didn’t mind, just said, “I saw you had no intention of sleeping yet, so I came to see.”

Chi Lanyi fiddled with his cuffs. He said shyly, “Sorry, I might be a bit… a bit too excited. Sitting here, time just slipped away…” He started explaining a lot. Gao Rong said “Mm.” He told himself he had predicted Chi Lanyi would react like this. Wasn’t this step-by-step exactly what he wanted most?

“I’ll go to sleep now,” Chi Lanyi said. “Otherwise, I’ll also delay your…” He trailed off, a little hesitant, glancing at Gao Rong. So Gao Rong finished the sentence for him. “Let’s go. Back to the room with me.”

“…”

Chi Lanyi followed behind Gao Rong. Going upstairs, he was still just as nervous, just as shy. But this time, his fear was of a different kind.

After entering the room, Gao Rong said, “I’ve washed up. You wash your face and get ready for bed.”

“Oh… okay.” Chi Lanyi went to wash up. Listening to the water sounds from the sink, Gao Rong grew increasingly agitated. Even though Chi Lanyi was in the room, right beside him, he still felt Chi Lanyi was very far away. Why did he still feel Chi Lanyi was so distant?

The bathroom door opened. Chi Lanyi came out in his sleepwear, a gray-blue set with long sleeves and pants, just enough to cover his arms and legs. Gao Rong watched him from the bed, waiting. Finally, he felt the mattress dip. Chi Lanyi sat on the other side of the bed again, just a little closer than yesterday. Soon, Chi Lanyi lifted a corner of the duvet and carefully buried himself inside.

“…”

Looking at that careful, slightly closer lump than yesterday, Gao Rong suddenly felt it wasn’t Chi Lanyi trapped by the duvet, but himself. What the hell. Gao Rong gave a self-deprecating smile, about to turn off the bedside lamp and sleep. As he reached for the lamp, a thin arm grabbed him.

Gao Rong looked down at the pale, slender wrist. Chi Lanyi was still buried under the duvet, his head not even showing. He said quietly, “Gao Rong, don’t turn off the light yet.”

“What’s wrong?”

Like he’d made a huge resolution, Chi Lanyi said, “I have something to tell you.” Gao Rong stopped moving. He watched Chi Lanyi burrow in the duvet for a long time before slowly, gently, crawling out.

Chi Lanyi sat at the head of the bed, his beautiful eyes lowered, lashes like butterflies easily startled, quickly fluttering up to glance at him before dropping again. After a long moment, he bent his knee. He reached down and slowly lifted the leg of his trousers.

Gao Rong was stunned by the sight before him.

“I didn’t… abuse myself. I also didn’t throw away the leather cord you gave me.” Chi Lanyi said softly. “I wrapped it here. On my ankle, this whole time.”

A black leather cord coiled around a pale ankle. Like a sinister venomous snake trapping a snowflake that could melt in an instant.

“You’ve been wearing it?” Gao Rong found his voice after a very long time. His voice was soft, as if the cord itself might disappear outside of winter, fleeting as snow.

Chi Lanyi nodded. His face was burning red; he felt all the blood in his body boiling. “Mm… always, since the day you gave it to me.” He wanted to say more. That he had deliberately tied it very tight. He wanted himself to disappear, yet also wanted this painful sensation to constantly exist. He also wanted to say that weeks ago, he had already had a wet dream about Gao Rong. Later, he threw away the sheets and clothes from that day, but he could never forget Gao Rong’s eyes.

Gao Rong was the only one who had ever said “I understand now” to him, the only one who would make a design studio for him in his home. Gao Rong wouldn’t slap him for sewing dresses for dolls at home, wouldn’t scold him for always playing with girls. Gao Rong acknowledged those qualities in him deemed effeminate, even liked them. Gao Rong made him feel seen. Gao Rong made him feel that his true self could exist. Gao Rong was someone who scared him, but who also protected him, held him up.

But Chi Lanyi said none of it. He just lowered his eyes, watching as Gao Rong reached out and placed his fingertip on his ankle. So Gao Rong’s fingers were so long, so much thicker than his own. Chi Lanyi also clearly noticed a slight callus on the web of Gao Rong’s hand. Was it from his habit of driving one-handed with his right hand? A secret joy bloomed in him at discovering this hidden little detail, like spring rain splashing small ripples on the ground. He let Gao Rong gently stroke the ankle trapped by the cord, the callus on his tiger’s mouth rubbing against him.

Chi Lanyi’s skin was cool. Gao Rong’s hand was hot. Trembling at the touch, Chi Lanyi could barely breathe. But he bit his lip—not hard, just lightly—letting his chaotic breath assault him, letting Gao Rong’s fingers wander back and forth over his sensitive, pale skin.

The cord was chosen and given by Gao Rong; the fingers caressing his ankle were also Gao Rong’s. Chi Lanyi told himself that. He also told himself that tonight, he was willing to give himself completely to Gao Rong. However Gao Rong wanted him, it was his right. He could accept anything. Maybe it wasn’t just tonight. He also secretly hoped Gao Rong would grip his ankle tightly.

Suddenly, Chi Lanyi felt he was being watched. He lifted his lashes slightly and saw struggle and unfathomable searching flickering in Gao Rong’s eyes. As if to say: Do you know what this means? But Gao Rong didn’t ask. Perhaps he, too, was afraid of Chi Lanyi’s answer.

After a moment, Gao Rong grabbed his ankle tightly. Chi Lanyi trembled uncontrollably. Gao Rong’s grip was too strong; even the veins on the back of his hand stood out. Chi Lanyi felt pain, felt he was about to be crushed. Yet he endured the pain. He didn’t cry out, didn’t resist. Only his eyes grew instantly wet, fine beads of water clinging to his lashes.

After a moment, Gao Rong’s fingers loosened. But he didn’t leave Chi Lanyi’s ankle, as if still feeling the temperature of his skin.

“…I understand now,” Chi Lanyi heard him say in a low voice. Was this voice happy? Unhappy? Chi Lanyi couldn’t tell. He only knew Gao Rong paused again, then said, “Thank you.”

Chi Lanyi’s eyes reddened. In that moment, he felt immense happiness. Gao Rong cared about him. So Chi Lanyi said, “You don’t need to thank me.” He paused, too, and added softly, “…I’m doing this voluntarily.”

And in that instant, he was suddenly embraced by Gao Rong. The hold was so tight it felt like all his bones were being crushed. Overwhelming pressure came from all sides. Chi Lanyi was startled. He lost his voice. “…Gao Rong?”

“Don’t move.” Gao Rong buried his face in his neck, his voice muffled. “Let me hold you for a while.”

Chi Lanyi fell silent. He felt Gao Rong trembling in his arms. This was the first time he had seen the powerful, stern Gao Rong lose control in front of him. Chi Lanyi should have been terrified. He was too neurotic, too fragile, unable to bear even his own emotions, let alone the emotions of another powerful man he viewed as his protector. But in the end, he reached out, just like his mother had comforted him as a child, and gently stroked Gao Rong’s back.

“Don’t be sad. I’m here with you,” he said, as if comforting him.

Gao Rong trembled even more violently. But the lapse lasted only a few brief seconds. He lifted his head to stare at Chi Lanyi. He seemed to have regained his composure, but his eyes held a paranoid obsession that would never relent.

“Chi Lanyi,” he said softly, “open your mouth.”

This was the first time Gao Rong had spoken in such a gentle, almost eerie tone. Chi Lanyi hesitated, then opened his mouth. Gao Rong gently held his chin, his gaze tracing Chi Lanyi’s eyes, the tip of his nose, his lips, inch by inch. After a moment, he said, “When I kiss you, use your tongue to entangle mine.”

Chi Lanyi’s face instantly ignited with color. His skin, already flushed from shyness, now turned completely, deeply red. Yet he still let out a low “Mm,” even sticking out the pink tip of his tongue a little. Gao Rong lowered his head, opening his teeth to first bite his tongue tip.

“Mm… mm…”

Chi Lanyi was at a loss. Feeling Gao Rong’s other hand moving simultaneously made him so shy he wanted to die. Gao Rong bit him first, then sucked, and finally, he parted his lips a little more and entered his mouth, kissing him with the deepest, most lingering passion.

So in the silence, the wet sounds of two people kissing became so loud. Chi Lanyi felt his fragile eardrums being invaded by the sound. He remembered more sounds between him and Gao Rong, and his whole body went limp in Gao Rong’s arms. He also tried hard to kiss him back. Just as Gao Rong said, he used his own tongue to entangle Gao Rong’s, opening his mouth wider to facilitate Gao Rong’s plunder. It was too hot, too stimulating. He couldn’t help making whimpering sounds, but struggled to suppress his instinct to flee from Gao Rong’s grasp.

When the kiss finally ended, Chi Lanyi’s lips were sore, stars bursting in his vision. He leaned against the pillow, gasping for air. But Gao Rong grabbed his waist, pulled him back into his lap, and with his other hand, rubbed his lips.

“So obedient,” Gao Rong said.

Chi Lanyi was too shy to speak. He glanced down at the carpet beside them, then took Gao Rong’s finger into his mouth. He had never been this compliant. Even knowing the presentation was tomorrow afternoon, he still wanted Gao Rong to do whatever he wished with him. They almost crossed the line completely. But at the critical moment, Gao Rong stopped.

“You have your presentation tomorrow afternoon,” Gao Rong panted, his voice low. “Let’s stop here.”

Chi Lanyi’s face was crimson as he glanced down briefly. He was breathing unevenly, almost afraid to look there. “Th-then what about you?”

“Find another way.” “What way?” After saying it, Chi Lanyi felt he’d been too bold, too vulgar, and turned his head away.

Gao Rong looked at his shy demeanor heavily, then reached up and captured Chi Lanyi’s slender right hand. First, he intertwined their fingers, kneading his hand slowly. Then, holding his wrist, he guided his hand downward. Gao Rong knew Chi Lanyi was snow, and he himself was likely the cord wrapped tightly around him. But still, he would cling to him, even if the snow melted come dawn.

“Do you know what I’m thinking?” Suddenly, Chi Lanyi’s voice came from his arms. Gao Rong looked down. He only saw the flutter of his lashes. As if sensing his gaze, Chi Lanyi quickly glanced up. The moment their eyes met, he shyly looked away.

“I originally thought coming to your place was my self-destruction. My instincts told me I was very afraid of you.” Chi Lanyi said softly. “But now I feel like I was completely wrong.” He used a breathy voice to say, “You’re exactly the kind of person… I only meet once in a lifetime. You’re not my ruin. You’re my salvation.”

He began to move his hand for Gao Rong, his neck under the black hair pale and slender, fragile as if it could snap with a single snap. Gao Rong stared at Chi Lanyi, dazed. In a sudden flash, he felt as if Chi Lanyi was a white moth, throwing itself into the flames for him.

…

The next day, Chi Lanyi slept until past noon before waking. Gao Rong came in from outside just as Chi Lanyi was huddled in the duvet, dazed. “Awake?” Gao Rong tried to sound casual. “Ready to get up?” Chi Lanyi nodded, then finally crawled out from under the covers.

Gao Rong watched the fabric slide off his smooth, pale back and thought that besides being a designer, Chi Lanyi would really be even more suited to being a model.

Chi Lanyi only went to the restroom to wash his hands once, then didn’t wash them again. Seeing him applying hand cream, Gao Rong leaned in and whispered in his ear, “Not going to wash your hands a bit more?” Chi Lanyi shot him a tiny glance, then lowered his head, his shyness flickering in his eyes. Gao Rong let out another muffled laugh.

After this night, it seemed like he was trying to walk out of some inner knot. Even though he was still stern and gloomy, his movements were more frequent than usual. Gao Rong took Chi Lanyi’s hand and smoothed the hand cream over it for him. Then he took some new clothes from the cabinet and handed them to him. “Put these on.”