Chapter 29: Tears Part 2

And, he thought to himself with self-mockery, Mu Rou didn’t even know about Gao Rong. He hadn’t just lied to his family about studying politics and economics. He was also making dresses for women. And he was messing around with a man. And right now, he was shamelessly living with that man.

In that instant, the loathing he felt for himself deep inside peaked. Even after the call ended, he still held his phone, unwilling to put it down. Until Gao Rong walked over, leaned down in front of him, and asked, “What are you thinking, so lost in thought?”

Chi Lanyi stared blankly at a spot on the opposite bedspread, silent.

Suddenly, a shudder ran through his body. What would his parents do if they knew he hadn’t been back to school for four days, and had been sleeping in this bed with Gao Rong? What would they do if they knew they had kissed, had even had sex? His nerves snapped to the breaking point. A wave of nausea instantly washed over him. He felt his body was filthy, unclean, that there were many unclean things inside his stomach. He had to vomit them out, hide them, before his parents found out. Otherwise, he would rot on this sofa. Keep rotting until he became a patch of mud, neither elegant nor beautiful.

Just then, Gao Rong finally frowned with displeasure. He reached out to wave a hand in front of his face, about to take his phone. The moment their fingers touched, Chi Lanyi suddenly let out a hysterical scream. “Don’t touch me!”

He slapped Gao Rong’s hand away. Gao Rong paused, his hand stinging from the hit. Chi Lanyi looked at him, his eyes shattered, breathing raggedly. After the slap, he himself froze for a second. His hand trembled in mid-air. For a moment, he felt he would never dare look into Gao Rong’s eyes again.

Before Gao Rong could even get angry, Chi Lanyi stumbled frantically toward the bathroom. He slammed the door shut and locked it, hands shaking violently. Moments later, the sound of violent retching came from inside.

Chi Lanyi sat on the floor tiles in a daze. His eyes were empty, staring at nothing in the air, unfocused on anything in front of him. Because if he looked down, he would see the mess he’d made himself. After a long time, he realized the world was trembling. Much later, he realized it was him who was shaking. He was trembling like a leaf. From his fingers to his calves, even the ankle bound by the cord. Like a desperate stroke victim. Or a mental patient.

Was he ugly right now? Dirty? Reeking of unpleasant smells? Did he look like a worm? Countless self-blaming, insulting voices echoed in his head. He clutched his head, terrified, unwilling to know who was looking at him, who was accusing him. But eventually, he still heard them clearly. The voices… were coming from himself.

There was no going back. Chi Lanyi stared down, saying it to himself over and over. He’d brushed off his mother, deceived her. He was studying design. He was sleeping with a man. And he had just slapped Gao Rong. He had screamed hysterically at him to “not touch him,” locked himself in his bathroom, and thrown up all over the floor. Would Gao Rong now think he hated him? That he feared him? That the happiness and joy of the past few days had all been a facade?

Chi Lanyi didn’t dare continue questioning himself. In his extreme pain, he tried to shut his eyes and isolate himself from the world. But in that moment, something happened that he absolutely couldn’t bear. He saw himself in the restroom mirror. He was sitting amidst the mess, hair disheveled, face flushed. There was even filth on his arm, and on his collar. He looked like a complete and utter madman. Almost in that instant, Chi Lanyi felt himself slightly crack open.

Suddenly, it seemed like the pain and sorrow vanished. He looked at that vagrant in the mirror, bizarrely feeling that this person wasn’t him. It was as if he were just a soul, happening to appear here, stumbling upon this bizarre scene that seemed torn from some absurdist play.

Just then, he heard the sound of a key unlocking the door. Someone had opened the bathroom door.

Chi Lanyi was still in a daze. He no longer knew who had come in. Now, he felt he was living three hours in the past. He’d originally thought tonight, he and Gao Rong would certainly sleep together. It would be their second time. And he was sure Gao Rong would be especially, especially gentle with him. Gao Rong would hold him. Gao Rong would kiss him.

Chi Lanyi saw himself being lifted by someone. That person’s arm paused, freeing a hand to gently push aside his forehead hair. Chi Lanyi was completely unresponsive. He just stared desperately at the void ahead. So that hand stopped. It reached out and turned on the tap of the bathtub. Hot water pooled inside. In a daze, he felt those hands undressing him.

A few days ago, there had also been hands like this, unbuttoning his shirt. But they were rough, urgent, as if only wanting to satisfy a desire that wasn’t pure lust through him. But today, the person undressing him was very careful. He restrained himself, not letting his fingers touch Chi Lanyi’s skin, as if terrified of hurting him. As if, in his eyes, Chi Lanyi at this moment was a person without skin.

Yet Chi Lanyi remained motionless. His consciousness was locked inside his body. But what echoed within that consciousness wasn’t “Hold me” or “Save me.” It was, Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me. Leave me, leave me, leave me.

Those hands didn’t leave. They placed the naked, filthy Chi Lanyi into the bathtub, then took his soiled clothes away. Only when returning with a Bath Bomb did the hands’ owner crouch beside the tub and quietly watch him. Chi Lanyi was still staring ahead, nearly catatonic, as if he were already dead. His brain was sluggish, chaotic, only very slowly turning over the same thought. Take a bath, or die. Right now, he should take a bath. Be clean, or die.

Until suddenly, that hand brushed aside his forehead hair again. Chi Lanyi didn’t struggle. Until he felt darkness descending upon him. …He had forgotten his body could still move. He went completely rigid, because that person leaned in and kissed him. It started at the forehead. When the kiss reached the bridge of his nose, reached his cheek, he began to struggle violently. He splashed water everywhere, saying in a terrified, anguished voice, “No.” “No!” As those lips neared the corner of his mouth, he finally broke down completely. “Please… don’t…” Please, have mercy. Please, don’t kiss me at a time like this.

But Gao Rong still kissed him. Very restrained, very gentle, just brushing his lips, no deeper. And Chi Lanyi, in that moment, collapsed uncontrollably once more. He curled up in the bathtub, no hysterics, no screaming. He just wept silently, his face pale.

Gao Rong had kissed his disheveled forehead. Gao Rong had kissed his wretched cheek. Gao Rong had kissed his filthy mouth. And held the right hand that had slapped him.

Tears dripped one by one into the bathwater. Chi Lanyi didn’t move, just let Gao Rong clean him up. In that moment, surrounded by the warm water, he wished he could just dissolve into it the next second. Just disappear like that, just freeze time at this moment. Then he would never have to fear whether tomorrow would come.

Gao Rong washed him, changed his clothes, and blow-dried his hair. Chi Lanyi remained silent the whole time, numb as a doll. Until bedtime, he crawled back into that bathtub. He didn’t speak, just hugged a pillow and blanket, as if determined to sleep in the tub. His thin shoulders trembled the entire time, like an abused stray cat. Gao Rong also said nothing. He just had someone bring cleaning supplies, then entered the bathroom himself and began cleaning the mess Chi Lanyi had left.

Time flowed quietly, from late night to early morning. There was no sunlight at night, the bathroom bathed in a blue-toned quality. Not until the first ray of morning sun landed on the tub did Chi Lanyi finally fall asleep. His eyes were closed, brow furrowed, like a suffering angel, his soul still steeped in sorrow even in dreams. Gao Rong sat beside the tub, watching him the whole time.

His hand still seemed to retain the stinging sensation where Chi Lanyi had hit him. He looked down at his hand, thinking of those family members on the phone who had spoken venomously to him. Slowly, he clenched his fist.

Gao Rong kept watching him until the sunlight fell on his eyelashes. In that moment, he suddenly remembered another moment, just two months ago, when he had also patiently waited for Chi Lanyi to wake. That time, it was in a bar. Chi Lanyi had been asleep on a sofa, him sitting on the carpet beneath it. This time, it was in his home. Chi Lanyi collapsed in the bathtub, him waiting at its edge. Gao Rong knew he should wait for him to wake. He wasn’t agitated, nor anxious. In fact, right after being hit by Chi Lanyi, he had successfully forced himself to calm down. He knew it was just a momentary emotional outburst, just Chi Lanyi unable to face his own homosexuality for a moment. For someone as fiercely extreme between love and death as Chi Lanyi, he would inevitably be consumed with remorse over that slap later.

Just as he had once taken advantage of Chi Lanyi’s loneliness to claim his first night, and used his childhood dreams to claim his heart. The fall of body and heart didn’t signify the submission of the soul. Gao Rong would never forget that proud, ruthless look in Chi Lanyi’s eyes before the movie. He had said, either love, or death.

Gao Rong also knew that Chi Lanyi at this moment was incredibly fragile. Family was his eternal weakness. He only needed to exploit this moment, exploit Chi Lanyi’s inability to face the pain he had caused him, and he could completely and utterly manipulate him. What breaks a proud soul isn’t fear, but guilt. Chi Lanyi had never bowed to fear, but had once fallen into an abyss because of guilt toward another. Gao Rong frowned deeply. His fingers unconsciously clenched, countless struggles and hesitations flashing through his eyes.

But ultimately, he still didn’t do it. He had once hated Chi Lanyi so deeply, yet he still couldn’t bring himself to exploit his vulnerability.

In the early morning, as Chi Lanyi woke in a daze, Gao Rong looked at him. He didn’t speak of the hurt he’d suffered yesterday, didn’t try to convince him that he’d freaked out for no reason, didn’t blame him for not taking care of himself and locking him out. He just lowered his head, leaned in, and did what he had done last night for the filthy Chi Lanyi. He gave the newly awakened Chi Lanyi a kiss.

Chi Lanyi stared at him, dazed. After a long time, a glimmer of light returned to his reddened eyes. But this light wasn’t from happiness. It was from the most fragile tears, reflecting the sunlight.