Chapter 40

On the last winter night of the seventeenth year of Tianming, the Ge family estate was ringed inside and out by the new Empress’s Imperial Guard. Amidst the layers of military encirclement, only a few pockets of quiet remained.

Ge Dongchen sat alone on the jade steps of an inner courtyard in the Ge family home. He had evaded the surveillance, but not the blizzard. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there; the heavy snow had covered him over like a thin blanket.

His left hand covered his right. In his right hand, he held a small, gathered bundle of soft, pliant hair.

The world was frozen solid, yet the strands between his fingers were scorching. This was because their owner was warm and alive, one of the few remaining sparks of vitality in Changluo.

This severed lock of hair had been in his grasp for a full twenty-two days.

During the first ten days of holding it, Ge Dongchen had replayed, day and night without rest, the sight of that spark of vitality vanishing before his very eyes.

The more he thought about it, the more he was plagued by beautiful dreams and terrible nightmares that he couldn’t control.

In the beautiful dreams, he became Gu Jinyu, possessing Gu Xiaodeng’s first kiss. Then he became Su Mingya, enjoying four years of Gu Xiaodeng’s time. In the nightmares, he was Ge Dongchen, vile and filthy, exploiting a crisis. Instead of shame, he took pride in it, clinging to Gu Xiaodeng’s warmth—kissing and fondling, pressing close and entering.

Upon waking, he was terrified by his own selfish desires and lost in his own grief.

He no longer dared to look in a mirror, or at anything with a reflection. He couldn’t understand why, ever since Gu Xiaodeng had fallen into the water, his eyes had maintained a strange, jade-green color.

It seemed his eyes would never revert to black.

Ten days after Gu Xiaodeng fell into the water, he asked the Ge family physician why this was happening. The physician simply said, “Young General, as long as you don’t cry anymore, your eyes won’t turn back to that green.”

Ge Dongchen rubbed his own brows and eyes absently, thinking, So, I’ve been crying this whole time?

Was it the anger and frustration of watching his foolish father back the wrong master, facing utter defeat with no hope of rising again?

Or was it the grief of his pitiable mother, hopelessly unable to return to her homeland, that had transmitted itself onto him?

That day, Ge Dongchen thought of the people bound to him by blood, the ones who dragged him repeatedly into the mire. Yet, his body moved on its own, riding his horse to Changluo’s moat.

He ignored the frantic letters urging him from the Imperial Palace. He didn’t use the troops at his command to besiege the palace. Instead, he deployed every soldier he could control to the city’s various waterways. He rushed to the most turbulent stretch of water, stared at the churning surface, and his mouth, beyond his control, questioned the Ge family soldiers: “Has anyone surfaced from the river?”

A soldier answered, “Reporting to the Young General, we search the water daily for the person, but there has been nothing.”

Ge Dongchen grunted an acknowledgement. Immediately, he saw a strange look on the soldier’s face. Instinctively, he looked down at the water’s surface and saw a pair of dim, inhuman, jade-green eyes staring back.

Only then did he realize that tears were falling from his eyes, without his knowledge or consent.

Simply, because Gu Xiaodeng had disappeared.

Ge Dongchen thought in a daze, What does ‘disappeared’ mean? It means there will never again be a warm, bright, beautiful young man, one who could satisfy the unspoken, shameful desires lurking in the depths of my heart.

But for mere lust, he shouldn’t have sunk this deep.

Ge Dongchen then thought, bewildered, If Gu Xiaodeng were still here, if our relationship were as it was, what kind of days would I have?

There would be someone to genuinely share a cup of wine and laugh with him. Someone would gaze at him with earnest, burning concern in their pure eyes. He would receive praise and appreciation, encouragement and tender affection.

He possessed a gentle haven, a place that, just by thinking of it, could bring him inexplicable peace and unexpected joy.

It was only then that Ge Dongchen realized, with a jolt of horror, that his yearning for Gu Xiaodeng was just like his father’s yearning for his mother.

His father had forcibly imprisoned his mother for half her life, reaping only half a lifetime of her resentment and loathing.

It seemed he had been afraid of becoming as contemptible as his father, afraid of earning only the disgust and hatred of the one he loved. And so, without being taught, he had instinctively learned to spy and lap at his desires from the shadows.

He was like a feral dog, excited yet fearful, full of malice. He didn’t dare to say a few honest words to Gu Xiaodeng face-to-face. He deceived him with twisting, evasive half-truths and lies, only daring to lick him frantically when Gu Xiaodeng was unconscious.

He clearly craved Gu Xiaodeng so greedily.

Liked Gu Xiaodeng so lecherously.

Loved him so pervertedly.

Suddenly, a cold wind swept snow into his face. Ge Dongchen looked up like a stiff, wooden puppet and saw, on this New Year’s Eve, the uninvited form of Gu Jinyu—a man who seemed neither human nor ghost.

Gu Jinyu hadn’t come alone. He was dragging a person by the hand and, as if discarding a pebble, threw them down before Ge Dongchen. Reacting slowly, Ge Dongchen first carefully tucked the lock of hair into his chest. He had vaguely prepared himself for this meeting, believing he and Gu Jinyu shared many similarities.

“Gu Senqing.”

The tip of the blade Gu Jinyu was about to raise halted at the sound of Ge Dongchen’s hoarse voice.

“When Xiaodeng is six parts drunk, he mumbles your childhood name like this.” Ge Dongchen flexed his frozen hands with small movements. “The moment I heard that name, I knew where his ‘Shanqing’ name came from. Gu Jinyu, you are even more twisted than I am. I lust after his body; you covet control over Gu Xiaodeng’s entire life.”

While speaking, Ge Dongchen reached out and flipped over the person thrown onto the steps. He saw it was Guan Yunji, passed out cold.

He paused, checked Guan Yunji’s breathing, then looked up at Gu Jinyu and pointed at his own heart. “If you’re here to avenge Xiaodeng, aim for my heart meridian. That way, when I go down there to see him, at least my face won’t be ruined.”

Gu Jinyu’s blade, poised to rise again, froze in place. He had vomited blood and believed he had regained his composure. Now, he calmly met Ge Dongchen’s strange, green eyes and, with obsessive certainty, stated a fact: “Xiaodeng isn’t down there. That night, what did you do to him? Where have you hidden him now? Tell me clearly. Otherwise, what happened to the Guan family and Yunji will be the fate of your clan and you.”

Ge Dongchen asked him first, “All the troops at the East City Gate are yours. You have Baiyong Mountain surrounded, right? In that pond, did you find Gu Xiaodeng? Did you?”

The blade in Gu Jinyu’s hand trembled. “He couldn’t be in the water.”

“So that’s a no…” Ge Dongchen’s eyes grew greener. “Then where could he be? The pond is only so big. The waterways of Changluo are guarded everywhere. Where did he go? Is he cold now? Is he still crying…”

Before Gu Jinyu could go mad, Ge Dongchen was the first to succumb to his obsession, muttering the details of that night. Every minute detail was etched into his bones. From receiving Gu Xiaodeng from Su Mingya’s hands—how he held him, how he kissed him, how he watched, how he chased—to how he jumped into the pond to search for him. The memory was vivid, and because of that, the despair was absolute.

Gu Jinyu also fell into his own obsession. “Su Mingya sent him out? He knew it was Su Mingya who sent him out?”

“He knew.” Ge Dongchen’s eyes were shockingly green. “He knew everything. He knew what I did while he was unconscious. He knew Su Mingya handed him over. He also knew about your deception.”

Gu Jinyu fell silent for a moment, then belatedly held his breath. “My deception…”

“He has a brother named Zhang Dengqing, right?” Ge Dongchen’s hands hung down; he couldn’t smile. “As soon as he entered the Gu family back then, I sent people to investigate his background. His father and brother have a direct master-disciple relationship with the Divine Physician Valley in the jianghu. The Divine Physician Valley and Thousand Schemes Tower are enemies. This Zhang Dengqing brought him to the Gu family for refuge, but not long after, the man disappeared, leaving Xiaodeng alone in the Gu family. Zhang Dengqing’s disappearance is directly connected to you, Gu Jinyu, isn’t it?”

“When he ran away, when he fell into the water, he must have been filled with hatred for all of us. Gao Mingqian, me, Yunji, Su Mingya… and you too.”

“If hatred has a density, the one he hated most might not be Su Mingya. It might be you, Gu Jinyu.”