Chapter 77

In Yu Xi’s memories, Yu Wan had a period when her condition was particularly good.

She might have fallen in love, or at least had someone she liked—some man who was getting close to her and seemed pretty decent.

This was normal. She deserved her own emotional life.

Yu Wan gradually began to pay attention to herself. She started pulling out the dresses hidden in her closet, tidying herself up, and dressing nicely. In the eyes of outsiders, Yu Wan had always been a gentle and soft mother. Now, she was just a little more refined than before.

For Yu Xi, this slight refinement meant that Yu Wan’s gaze would shift away from him a bit, allowing him to catch his breath.

He had more time to spend with Yi Chen.

—He really liked being with Yi Chen.

Only by Yi Chen’s side could he breathe air that truly belonged to him.

He could freely say he was tired, that he was sad, that he was unhappy. He had his own preferences, his own will. He didn’t have to strive to be the perfect “ideal vessel.” He could be himself, not the son from Yu Wan’s dreams.

Yi Chen liked seeing him when he wasn’t perfect.

He would gaze at him with admiring eyes, hold his hand tightly when no one was around, hug him, kiss him. He always appreciated everything Yu Xi did, even if he messed up or made a fool of himself. They would laugh together and figure things out side by side.

—The future.</i>

That period was the first time Yu Xi truly felt the allure of the word “future.”

It could have color, it could be imagined freely, it could involve mistakes and failures. It was free, and it belonged to him.

Yu Xi didn’t want to go home.

That door was the dividing line that split him in two.

Two worlds: inside the door and outside.

Outside was vibrant; inside was suffocating.

During that time, Yu Wan was very happy and content. Yu Wan was very beautiful when she wasn’t losing it.

But she always used that happy, beautiful face to say things that drove Yu Xi insane.

Yu Xi knew he was sick.

Not physically, but mentally ill.

He often fell into extreme emotions. He couldn’t control his sadness and despair, couldn’t resist the flood of worries, and sank into baseless fears.

But Yu Wan wouldn’t allow him to be sick, so he didn’t want to mention it.

He didn’t tell anyone.

He tried hard to force himself to be happy.

So, he could only cling tightly to Yi Chen and desperately hold the strings in his heart taut.

“You know? His son is really so outstanding. How can I have a child as excellent as that?” Yu Wan said to him like this.

“No one can be perfect forever, A-Yu. You don’t know how attractive you are,” Yi Chen said to him.

“You’re really so useless. You’re at the same school—why can’t you measure up to him? Is it because I didn’t teach you well? Did I? I gave up everything for you,” Yu Wan said.

“Relax, A-Yu. You’ve always done great. I really love solving problems with you!” Yi Chen said.

“Why can’t you do anything right? Why are you inferior to him in everything?”

“You’re so amazing. When can I be like you?”

“I think you’re embarrassing, Little Xi.”

“I love you so much, A-Yu.”

He huddled in dark corners, barely surviving, yearning for that sliver of sunlight piercing through the dust. He breathed with all his might, struggled with all his strength to crawl outward.

There was a time when Yu Xi was driven nearly mad with busyness.

He had to participate in a competition, Yu Wan had signed him up for an event, he needed to study advanced knowledge points, train, and make sure the event went perfectly.

He was so tired.

Fortunately, everything went smoothly. The event was perfect, and he won the competition too—a first prize, ranked fifteenth.

But Yu Wan, watching from under the podium, was on the verge of madness.

Back home, she smashed the trophy and screamed at him through her tears: “Why did you betray me again!!!”

“No one remembers anyone but the first place!”

“You only dare to face him because you won an award!!!”

Yu Xi couldn’t understand it at the time.

It was a national competition.

His score and ranking were enough for a direct recommendation and to join the national training team.

But Yu Wan wasn’t satisfied—no matter what.

“Why could his son get first place back then, but you can’t?!”

“Why are you always inferior to him?”

“What have you been doing with your time? Can’t even handle this?”

“Can’t you learn from him?!”

Yu Xi didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand Yu Wan.

Why bring up that person? Who was he? Had they even met? Did they have any connection? Why did he have to live in that person’s shadow?

Wasn’t he good enough?

Hadn’t he tried hard enough?

Wasn’t he excellent enough?

Was he really that worthless?

He was being beaten down, constantly beaten down.

His impression of “that person’s son” shifted from confusion to “hate.”

Maybe it was hate.

By then, Yu Xi could barely distinguish his own emotions. Everything about him was worthless, so his “hate” was worthless too.

He numbly watched Yu Wan, who was raging at him, meticulously prepare a birthday for “that person’s son” and cook dinner for him herself.

He was still locked in his room, while laughter echoed from the living room.

Yu Wan happily ate dinner with them, then released him from the room. The moment she saw him again, her expression instantly darkened and soured.

—Yu Wan resented him.

Why?

Why?

Yu Xi couldn’t figure it out back then, didn’t know why.

He couldn’t resist, didn’t want to resist.

Since Yu Wan resented him, he transferred that resentment to the “son” he’d never met.

Yu Xi felt like he was going insane.

He hated that person even more, and depended on Yi Chen even more desperately. He nearly dug out his entire heart, cradling it and pressing it against that familiar warmth, that familiar pheromone scent.

Only then could his heart barely keep beating.

He acted like someone who had never been sick.

He had been acting for over a decade. The more he collapsed inside, the more normally Yu Xi acted—normal enough to seem like he was improving, normal enough to show no unhappiness, normal enough to brim with hope for the future.

Yi Chen didn’t notice anything wrong. No one did.

This fragile, tenuous balance could have held for a while longer.

Until that day, when Yu Wan said, “You don’t have to stay in your room today. Everyone meet up, have dinner together. Reflect properly on why you’re not as good as others.”

“Little Xi, don’t embarrass me.”

He sat numbly in the farthest seat, like Yu Wan’s label, her collectible, her doll.

Then the door opened, and he saw Yi Chen.

Yi Chen walked in.

Yi Chen saw him too and sat across from him—surprised, but mostly excited and happy.

The back of Yu Xi’s head suddenly went ice-cold as cold sweat broke out without warning.

—His mind went completely blank.

In that instant when emotions surged wildly, his head spun, his vision blurred, and a sharp, piercing buzz filled his ears. Illogical sounds, fragments, sensations flooded his brain.

They embraced.

“What are you? Why can’t you be as outstanding as him?”

They kissed.

“Why are you my son? I tried so hard—why can’t you try as hard as him?”

They shared each other’s pheromones.

“What right do you have to celebrate a birthday? You can’t compare to him—you only embarrass me!!”

They were intimately close. He loved him, depended on him, clung to him like a lifeline. He harbored dark resentment toward one person, dissatisfaction, hatred, pouring all his gloomy emotions onto one individual.

Now, those two people overlapped.

Yu Xi’s breathing grew rapid.

It hurt so much.

His head hurt terribly, and his stomach too.

At the time, Yi Chen’s thoughts were simple.

After the initial shock, joy overtook his emotions.

He had already told his dad about his relationship with Yu Xi, and his dad supported him.

Life was for oneself, not for the eyes of the world.

Neither of them knew that Yu Xi was Yu Wan’s son.

Yu Xi had never mentioned it, and Yu Wan had never said.

Even now that he knew, Yi Chen and his father weren’t panicked.

His dad and Yu Wan were just in the stage of getting to know each other and interacting—no marriage certificate, no engagement, no legal ties. Adult relationships couldn’t be sustained on impulse alone. They both had kids and needed to understand each other comprehensively and cautiously. It might work out, or there might be surprises.

When they reached the point of defining the relationship… they could talk then.

No need to worry about an uncertain future now.

Yi Chen’s dad was open-minded, and Yi Chen thought the same.

So, Yi Chen didn’t hide his feelings.

In the future, he could spend more time with Yu Xi openly, with the boy he loved most.

He walked toward Yu Xi, wanting to hold his hand.

But Yu Xi suddenly looked up at him with an incredulous gaze, shook off his hand, and rushed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Yu Xi dry-heaved, heaving nonstop, as if trying to vomit out his stomach.

But his stomach was empty, and only until the bitter acid filled his mouth did he weakly prop himself up.

Yu Xi could no longer think at all.

He could only ask himself over and over.

Why…

Why did Yi Chen come?

Why was it him?

Yi Chen felt that Yu Xi had been off lately, but he didn’t know why.

Aunt Wan was great, very gentle.

She and his dad shared the same mindset: getting to know each other from all angles.

They had gotten a good grasp on personalities and were now trying to understand living habits.

They tried living together for a while.

A cohabitation trial under one roof—four rooms, one per person.

It was an efficient way to learn, since only daily life together revealed if habits meshed.

Yi Chen always snuck into Yu Xi’s room in the middle of the night.

They embraced, kissed, made intensely intimate contact, but didn’t dare make a sound. Any involuntary gasps were stifled in their throats.

Yu Xi was so cute.

Really so cute.

He always told Yi Chen not to come in, but in the end, he couldn’t bear to let him leave.

He warned him verbally not to come next time, that he’d lock the door, but his eyes gazed deeply, deeply at him.

But sometimes, Yu Xi’s state wasn’t quite right.

It wasn’t obvious—more like an intuition.

Yi Chen felt that beneath Yu Xi’s profound gaze lurked emotions he didn’t understand.

What emotions exactly? He couldn’t read them.

—Yu Xi was observing Yi Chen.

Before, he focused more on Yi Chen and himself, but now he watched Yi Chen with others.

He discovered that Yi Chen was good to everyone, gentle with all. He had many friends.

He had his own life, his own hobbies. He could do whatever he wanted freely. He had vacations, could travel, stay put, or go far away.

Yi Chen was so good, so outstanding, so likable.

So dazzlingly captivating—stealing every bit of Yu Wan’s attention, stealing his mother’s attention.

Out of Yi Chen’s sight, Yu Wan praised Yi Chen even more unrestrainedly and belittled Yu Xi.

Yu Wan was sincere. Every word she said was from the heart.

She truly believed she had given everything for Yu Xi—plenty of money, material wealth, sacrificed her job, time, self, future. Yet her son didn’t meet her expectations.

She had sunk so many costs, but received pitiful returns.

Why could other sons be outstanding?

Was it her fault? No, it wasn’t. She did it for his good, hoped for his good, provided top conditions. If Yu Xi wasn’t outstanding, it was his problem—he was embarrassing, not hardworking enough, not talented enough.

Yu Xi felt like he had gone mad.

He increasingly couldn’t control his emotions. He could no longer pretend to be a healthy, normal person.

His dependence on Yi Chen grew more obsessive, more pathological. He constantly demanded Yi Chen’s love, sought proof of it through every clue. But in sudden moments of clarity, he would shove Yi Chen away.

They began arguing frequently.

Yi Chen didn’t know what was wrong with Yu Xi or why he got angry over a detail that he hadn’t even noticed.

And Yu Xi didn’t know why he was picking a fight either.

What answer did he want?

What was he trying to prove through the argument?

What words did he want to hear?

Yu Xi didn’t know.

He had no purpose, only emotions.

He loved him so much, but he also hated him so much.

Yu Xi was madly attached to the warmth Yi Chen brought him, yet he was also madly terrified of the shadows Yi Chen cast.

Yu Wan’s condition improved more and more, and she gradually returned to the stage.

There was a competition abroad that invited her.

At the same time, the school abroad where Yi Chen had always wanted to study finally began recruiting students.

His dad slapped his palm. “Let’s go! I was just planning to tap into the market there anyway. We can go together.”

Everything lined up perfectly.

They had the opportunity, the time, and the energy.

Yi Chen excitedly went to Yu Xi. “A-Yu, let’s change up our living environment!”

“We’ll study there together. No one will know us, no one will recognize us. We’ll experience a completely different culture and learn entirely new customs.”

“You’ve been under so much pressure lately. This is the perfect chance to get away and clear our heads!”

“A-Yu, trust me—everything will be different!”

Yu Xi believed him.

He had always believed in Yi Chen.

Yu Xi chose a suitable school. They prepared for the exams together, studied foreign languages together, obtained certificates together, and gathered application materials together.

It went smoothly. Both passed the school’s entrance exam, and their visa materials were ready. They just needed the admission letter to get the visa.

Yu Xi waited full of hope.

Those were the best days he’d had in a long time.

No arguments, no extreme emotions—just anticipation, boundless enthusiasm, and expectation for the future.

Then, that day, Yi Chen’s admission letter arrived.

And he? He got Yu Wan and those ice-cold words.

“Xiao Xi, I rejected the school for you.”

“I’m leaving. You stay.”

“Let’s let each other go.”

Yu Xi was stunned.

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I can’t save myself, and I can’t save you.”

Yu Wan looked at him earnestly. “Xiao Xi, Mom doesn’t want you anymore.”

It was like a bucket of cold water dumped over his head. Yu Xi felt chilled to the bone.

His admission letter was gone. Yu Wan had rejected the school on his behalf, so his visa was impossible now.

But Yi Chen didn’t know.

Yi Chen chatted with him joyfully about the future, shared his dreams, planned how they’d meet after school started, mapped out routes, scouted good food and fun spots. He looked into Yu Xi’s eyes with full expectation, hugged him, held him, asked where he wanted to go, if he was interested in this shop, if a summer trip there would work.

Yu Xi leaned into his arms, curling up. “Can we not go?”

Yi Chen was puzzled. “Why?”

Yu Xi didn’t answer him.

He couldn’t say it.

How could he?

Tell him he couldn’t go? That Yu Wan had abandoned him? That he’d realized he was sick? That they had no future?

They started arguing again.

Because Yu Xi’s admission letter was taking forever, Yi Chen asked Yu Wan about it. Yu Wan told him that Yu Xi had rejected the school—he didn’t want to go.

Yi Chen was very surprised when he heard it.

Yu Xi was shocked too when he heard it.

“Why?” Yi Chen asked him over and over.

Yu Xi couldn’t say a word.

Their conversation fell into a dead loop.

One desperately asked but got no answer; the other knew the answer but didn’t know how to voice it.

At the time, Yu Xi didn’t realize that his thinking had been “tamed” by Yu Wan’s day-after-day belittling—a mental “taming.” He was accustomed to it, subconsciously unwilling to refute anything Yu Wan said, any view she held.

It wasn’t him. It clearly wasn’t him who rejected it. It clearly wasn’t what he thought!

But Yu Wan said it was, so it was. He didn’t want to refute her. He couldn’t be bothered to. And he couldn’t anyway.

They started arguing again.

Yi Chen asked Yu Xi for the reason.

Yu Xi countered, “Can’t you stay with me?”

Rounds of dialogue yielded no answers or solutions, and Yi Chen got angry too.

When Yu Xi asked him once more, “Don’t go. Don’t go abroad. Don’t leave. Stay with me, okay…?”

Yi Chen couldn’t understand anymore. “Why? I’m just going to school, just for a few years. I’ll come back every summer and winter break. We can video call every day. I won’t leave you.”

Yu Xi’s state was terrible.

The state between him and Yi Chen was terrible too.

He was like a brat throwing tantrums to get attention, interrogating Yi Chen through outbursts to make him stay. But it didn’t work. Yi Chen got no answers. They’d agreed to go together. He was the one abandoned—why not tell him? Why make him change? Why make him choose?!

Yi Chen refused to yield, and Yu Xi refused to explain—didn’t even know how.

How could he say it?

That Yu Wan had rejected it?

That Yu Wan had been belittling him all along?

That Yu Wan was abandoning him?

The mental “taming” kept the words from coming out.

They were stuck.

That period was hectic. Going abroad required tons of materials—applications, proofs. Yi Chen was swamped and dizzy with it all. By the time he came to, they’d been in a cold war for days, and Yu Xi hadn’t come home in days.

“A-Yu, am I going to lose you?” In the dead of night, when he picked up Yu Xi’s silent call, Yi Chen asked him that.

Was he?

Maybe.

On the other end of the line, Yu Xi squatted by the roadside. It was cold, and no one was around.

He realized he was sick, turning into someone like Yu Wan.

But he didn’t want to become like Yu Wan.

He didn’t want Yi Chen to become like him either.

Yu Wan had said, “Let’s let each other go.”

He wanted to say the same to Yi Chen: “Let’s let each other go.”

So, on the day Yi Chen departed, right before security, Yu Xi said to him, “Let’s break up.”

He stared coldly at Yi Chen.

He loved him.

He hated him too.

Yu Xi could no longer control his emotions.

He couldn’t answer any questions, couldn’t think. Amid Yi Chen’s repeated pleas, he just said over and over, “Let’s break up.”

Break up. Let each other go.

Each find a new life.

The airport buzzed with people, noise all around.

He had nothing left.