Chapter 13: “I am Tong Xilin.”

Winter always seemed to have a special scent. Thick clothing, faint hints of fireworks, warm skin, and the crisp, sharp air.

Tong Xilin sniffled lightly. This year, a new element had been added: Kong Ji.

Excessive shock brought a moment of blankness. As Kong Ji uttered that “Tong Yuzhi,” a buzzing hum shot through Tong Xilin’s ear canal like an electric current. His ability to think was miraculously replaced by his five senses. He stared at the dim entryway, catching the scent at his nose, feeling the solid yet not-his embrace, and finally, slowly, realized something.

—He never needed to proactively bring up Tong Yuzhi to probe Kong Ji at all. Kong Ji couldn’t forget him.

In the instant one realizes all their efforts have been futile, there are usually two reactions: anger and embarrassment. Tong Xilin was the latter.

“Uncle.” The hand supporting Kong Ji’s arm dropped down. Along with it dropped his heart, which had been restless for half a year. With utter calm, he called out. “I am Tong Xilin.”

He enunciated the three characters—Tong Xilin—very clearly. A name that had followed him since birth, heard countless times, introduced countless times. This was the first time he said it so seriously.

Kong Ji heard him. The alcohol seemed to sober him up a little. He looked up at Tong Xilin, then, as usual, pressed his forehead against his. “Sorry,” he apologized, his voice muffled.

Tong Xilin shook his head slightly. The motion wasn’t large, but it was firm, creating distance between them. “It’s fine,” he said.

Zhou Qi’s family was having their New Year’s Eve dinner. A huge round table crowded with relatives, a chaotic, noisy swarm. Two younger cousins were screaming, racing each other around the dining room for a ridiculously large orange. A slightly younger male cousin was attempting, for the third time, to sneak into his room to mess with his figurines and game consoles.

“Get lost,” Zhou Qi, annoyed to death, got up to shoo them away.

Tong Xilin’s call came through like a lifeline. Zhou Qi practically fled to the balcony to answer. “Damn,” he cursed as soon as he picked up. “Annoying the hell out of me.”

“What’s wrong?” Tong Xilin’s reply was flat and matter-of-fact.

Just as Zhou Qi was about to complain, the sound of wind in the call and something off in Tong Xilin’s tone made him pause.

“Where are you?” he asked Tong Xilin. “You sound so wilted.”

“Your residential compound,” Tong Xilin said.

“Huh?” Zhou Qi immediately craned his neck to look out the window.

“The small park across the street,” Tong Xilin continued.

“Can you not leave me hanging like that?” Zhou Qi clamped the phone between his shoulder and ear while reaching for his jacket. “Wait five minutes.”

Zhou Qi’s dad was in the middle of rallying the whole family for a toast. Seeing Zhou Qi rushing out like his pants were on fire, he frowned and swore, “The whole family’s here! Running off to god knows where without even a word?!”

Relatives at the table quickly tried to soothe him, while Zhou Qi yelled back, “Setting off fireworks with a friend!” and slammed the door shut, escaping.

During the time when every household was gathered for dinner, there was practically no one on the streets. He ran to the small park and scanned around, effortlessly spotting Tong Xilin. Alone, sitting on a swing in the small square, head hanging down, swaying listlessly back and forth.

Tong Xilin had nowhere else to go. After helping the drunken Kong Ji back to his room to rest, he had stood silently in the living room for a long time. Suddenly, he had a strong desire not to stay there any longer. He poured a glass of water for Kong Ji, placing it on his nightstand, then put on his coat and left home with only his phone.

Walking aimlessly through the streets on New Year’s Eve, snow began to drift down from the sky again. Standing at an intersection, dazed, Tong Xilin felt for the first time that following Kong Ji to this northern city might not have been so great after all. Stepping outside Kong Ji’s home, he didn’t even have a single place that belonged to him. Yet, even if he could go back to his own shabby little home right now, he didn’t want to. The only person he could talk to was Zhou Qi.

Zhou Qi hadn’t been entirely sure over the phone, but now, seeing Tong Xilin’s whole demeanor and the low spirits radiating off him, he didn’t need to guess—his deskmate was definitely in a bad mood. A massively bad mood.

“Instead of spending New Year’s at home, you’re out here playing the tragic heroine?” He gave Tong Xilin a shove and sat down on the swing next to him.

“Just wandered over here.” Tong Xilin turned his face to glance at him, letting himself continue to sway with the swing’s momentum.

“Had a fight with your uncle?” Zhou Qi asked.

The situation with Kong Ji was something he couldn’t explain to anyone else. Tong Xilin remained silent. Zhou Qi interpreted his silence as confirmation of his guess. Zhou Qi, who fought with his own dad daily, was surprisingly good at lecturing Tong Xilin, spouting things like “all adults are like that,” “they pick faults even when there’s nothing wrong,” “they can’t control you forever,” “just bear with it and it’ll pass.” He racked his brains to convince him, but Tong Xilin seemed frozen, neither acknowledging nor responding, still sitting there with his head hung low.

“That’s enough.” Unable to persuade him further, Zhou Qi kicked some snow at Tong Xilin. “If you’re really that strained with your uncle, come crash at my place.”

“No need.” Tong Xilin stood up, brushing the snow off. “I’m going home.”

Kong Ji slept until past two in the morning. The water by his bedside had long gone cold, but he knew Tong Xilin had put it there. After drinking half the glass, he got up, took a shower, then walked to Tong Xilin’s bedroom door, pushing it open to check inside. The kid was sleeping soundly. He quietly watched for a long while, then crooked a finger to gently brush Tong Xilin’s cheek, straightened his blanket, and softly stepped out.

The sound of the door closing came. Tong Xilin opened his eyes, staring blankly at the ceiling for another moment before silently turning over.

That mistaken “Tong Yuzhi” was not brought up by either of them the next day. Tong Xilin didn’t know if Kong Ji had forgotten it or if, like him, they were both pretending nothing happened, carefully avoiding it. He got up as usual, left his room, greeted Kong Ji, and called him “Uncle.”

“Let’s eat out today.” Kong Ji had just finished a phone call, cigarette in his mouth, and reached out habitually to ruffle Tong Xilin’s hair. “What do you feel like eating?”

“Anything.” Tong Xilin turned away, avoiding the touch. “I’m going to wash up.”

Kong Ji’s hand paused mid-air, the bracelet Tong Xilin had given him still on his wrist. Watching Tong Xilin’s back as he turned into the bathroom, he narrowed his eyes slightly.

Many restaurants were open on the first day of the Lunar New Year. Kong Ji booked a Western restaurant and took Tong Xilin for steak. Tong Xilin changed clothes and waited by the door. Coming over, Kong Ji glanced at his bare neck and reminded him, “Wear your scarf.”

Tong Xilin didn’t get it. He simply zipped his jacket all the way up and said, “I’m good.”

Kong Ji looked at him for two seconds, smiled faintly, then opened the entryway cabinet anyway and grabbed a beanie, plopping it onto his head.

Wanting to put it on himself, Tong Xilin raised his hands to take over, but Kong Ji didn’t let him. “Don’t move,” he said in a low voice. He pulled the hat down until it covered his ears, then withdrew his hands, also fetching a pair of gloves for Tong Xilin.

Tong Xilin didn’t take them, just said he wasn’t cold, shoved both hands into his pockets, and stepped into the elevator first.

The previous night’s snow had stopped, the sky was overcast with a layer of grey. Down in the parking garage, the cold seeped up trouser legs, pricking into his body. “Do your legs hurt?” Kong Ji opened the car door and got in, asking suddenly.

“No,” Tong Xilin settled into the passenger seat, head down, fastening his seatbelt.

Kong Ji glanced at him again, but didn’t ask anything more. Stepping on the accelerator, he drove the car out.

The meal was tasteless. As always, Kong Ji ordered, and Tong Xilin ate whatever was served. The difference was when Kong Ji wanted to order him juice, Tong Xilin refused, asking the waiter for a soda water instead. After speaking, he didn’t meet Kong Ji’s gaze either, just turned his head quietly to look at the scenery outside the floor-to-ceiling window.

“Any plans for the break?” While waiting for the steak to arrive, Kong Ji asked. “Anywhere you want to go? I can take you out for a few days.”

A WeChat message from Zhou Qi popped up at that moment, asking how he was doing and if he and his uncle were still fighting.

“No need.” Shaking his head as he typed back to Zhou Qi, Tong Xilin replied, “School starts early, got to go back and review.” This wasn’t exactly a lie. The winter break for students preparing for the College Entrance Exam was extremely short, especially at their city-key high school. Before the break even started, the Head Teacher had rapped the blackboard and issued the notice: evening self-study resumes on the evening of the fifth day of the New Year, regular classes start on the sixth. For the remaining three or four days of the New Year holiday, he intended to stay home and study.

“That early?” Kong Ji was somewhat surprised. “Tiring?”

Tong Xilin put down his phone and looked up at him. “The exams are coming up soon. It’s necessary.”

The College Entrance Exam was a signal—a signal of departure. Only, in the first half of the year, Tong Xilin’s mind hadn’t been fully focused on this. He calculated the time carefully. June was the exam. No matter the score, come September, he would leave this place and go to a completely new city for university. The time he could spend with Kong Ji, at best, totaled only six more months. Another half-year.

Students from Grade 10 and 11 would only return to school after the Lantern Festival. On the early evening of the fifth day, only the senior Grade 12 building had its lights on. The entire grade was a little restless, still not fully recovered from the holiday spirit. Zhou Qi didn’t saunter into the classroom until after the first period of evening self-study, tossing a roasted sweet potato onto Tong Xilin’s desk. Seeing Tong Xilin get up to go out, he called after him, “Where you going?”

“To see the Head Teacher,” Tong Xilin said.

He went to find the Head Teacher to ask for a school dormitory application form. From a teacher’s perspective, the Head Teacher very much supported students staying on campus during the final sprint period. Zhou Qi, however, seeing this form, was deeply puzzled.

“Have you gone crazy?” He spun his pen, scrutinizing the form’s required fields together with Tong Xilin. “Once you’re living on campus, even going out for a meal is a hassle.”

Tong Xilin carefully filled out the form, leaving only the last field: “Parent/Guardian Comments.” Putting his pen down, he neatly folded the form and tucked it into his backpack. He advised Zhou Qi, “You should study a bit too.”

“Eh, I’m pretty much a lost cause,” Zhou Qi had given up on himself, but he was very attentive towards Tong Xilin. “Which university are you aiming for?”

“I don’t know.” Tong Xilin didn’t have a clear direction yet. He only wanted to create some distance from Kong Ji during this phase.

After evening self-study, Tong Xilin and Zhou Qi walked out of the school gate together. Just as they neared the guardhouse, they heard a car horn.

Kong Ji’s car was parked by the curb, the window half-down, revealing the bright light inside.

“Go on.” Zhou Qi elbowed Tong Xilin.

“Want a ride?” Tong Xilin rubbed his arm. “It’s on the way, I can drop you off.”

“Nah.” Zhou Qi refused without hesitation. “Your uncle’s the ice-cold type. I always feel this invisible pressure.”

Tong Xilin smiled, said goodbye, walked over, opened the car door, and got in.

“Uncle,” he said, taking off his backpack and placing it on his lap. He asked Kong Ji, “Why did you come again?”

“To pick you up,” Kong Ji said. He didn’t start the car immediately, instead studying Tong Xilin for a couple of seconds, the corner of his mouth lifting. “In a good mood today?”

“Mm?” Tong Xilin didn’t feel any different himself.

“You seemed down in the dumps the past few days,” Kong Ji said. “Face all long and drawn.”

Tong Xilin thought for a moment, didn’t deny it, just said, “I’m okay,” and pulled the application form from his bag, handing it towards Kong Ji.

Kong Ji put the cigarette from his fingertips into his mouth and took the form, unfolding it with one hand. As he clearly read the words on it, the smile at the corner of his mouth slowly, almost imperceptibly, faded.