◎Real or Fake◎
By the time I arrived at the usual gathering spot with candy in hand, a tall adult insect was already there, playing with the Kid Bros.
Hair the color of red sunset clouds. It was the Star Pirate Contestant.
He sat propped up on one hand, while the other arm dangled with Kid Bros hanging off it like strings of sausages, looking lazy and utterly at home.
Star Pirate Contestant: “Nobody’s been eating enough, huh?”
At that, the Kid Bros bared their teeth and tried their hardest to push his arm down, like they were battling some evil overlord.
The Star Pirate Contestant kept up the mockery. “How come you mighty Generals still haven’t defeated me, the villainous Star Pirate?”
Say what you will, but this villain act of his really was convincing.
Still, was the default storyline of these Star Pirate kids’ pretend games really “General beats up Star Pirate”? Did none of them find that even a little bit awkward?!
When he saw me, the stubborn Kid Bro probably felt embarrassed, so he cleverly tried to shoo me away. “Baby, run along now. Once your Female Parent and Uncle defeat this bad guy, we’ll come home.”
I was a little touched. Only a little.
Kid’s Dad, you just exposed the fact that I used to play pretend with you all!
What kind of big, tough top acts this childish? Look, the Star Pirate Contestant is already laughing at me!
There seemed to be a hint of surprise in the Star Pirate Contestant’s smile, but it quickly gave way to an even more evil villain grin.
He swung his arm, sending the sausages dangling from it swaying too. “I didn’t expect your family to have such a pretty little Male Child. How about this? Marry your Male Child off to me, and I’ll let you go.”
When he said this, his smile was exactly the clichéd kind of wickedly charming.
Chin lifted with arrogance, smile playing at the corner of his mouth, eyes sparkling, so insufferably haughty that a person couldn’t help wanting to say yes.
Honestly, I wanted to join his pretend game on the spot.
A pity he was saying all this to the Kid Bro. Only at the very end did his lashes lift slightly, as if he were looking at me.
Why “as if”? Because the moment his gaze met mine, it dropped away in a hurry, fluttering lashes like a butterfly fleeing in panic.
Ahhh!
I don’t know why I screamed. I just wanted to.
The next second, the dangling Kid Bros turned on each other.
Kid’s Uncle shouted at the Star Pirate Contestant with great courage: “In your dreams.”
But Kid’s Dad couldn’t resist the temptation of being a dad. “Then can you call me Female Parent now?”
Dang it, how am I supposed to act out my “I’ll marry you if you release my dad” storyline now?
In the end, it was my boundless wisdom that saved the day. I started bombarding them with candy from long range, and the dangling Kid Bros all detached themselves the moment they saw the sweets, scrambling to catch them.
Single-handedly rescuing the besieged archvillain, how is that not a case of the hero saving the beauty?
The Star Pirate Contestant rubbed his hand, which the kids had gripped red. “I didn’t expect you to play with them.”
A Kid Bro sidled over while unwrapping a candy. “Sergio comes to play with us when the weather’s nice too. He’s just dumb. Some games he taught us himself, and then he lost at them in the end.”
Close that little mouth, please.
The Star Pirate Contestant, ever blunt and never one to spare the kids’ feelings, said, “He was letting you win on purpose, wasn’t he?”
What a talented mouth. I like it. Say more.
Unable to bear the injustice, the Kid Bro huffed, “Ugh, you two can just compete and find out.”
The Star Pirate Contestant looked toward me, brows raised, as if he’d been egged into this by the children against his will, yet with a trace of expectation in his eyes.
How could I possibly refuse!
Time to reveal my true power!
Huh? I lost?
I lost. I lost.
That’s not me repeating myself. I lost four times, and couldn’t even win the practice round.
The Star Pirate Contestant’s expression was baffled, like Liu Bei discovering that Zhuge Liang was actually an idiot.
He asked me with utmost sincerity, “You really didn’t let me win?”
Pretty mouth, shut it.
I didn’t like what the Star Pirate Contestant said, so I unilaterally declared a cold war, talking only to the Kid Bros while bringing up the main agenda of this trip.
To create a classroom atmosphere, I sat on the haystack used for the kids’ naps while they sat below and listened to me preach.
“Three don’ts when it comes to romance: don’t fight, don’t suffer abuse, don’t get hurt.”
Kid’s Dad said, “None of those words sound like they have anything to do with romance.”
I stressed, “The point is, don’t get hurt over a Male Insect. If a Male Insect hits you, hit him back.”
A good Male Insect never raises a hand against his wife.
Kid’s Uncle looked at me like a total lawless delinquent. “Wouldn’t that land us in jail?”
I stared at them like a bunch of little fools. “Then don’t you know how to run? This whole planet is outside the law, and you’re telling me you can’t find your way back?”
At those words, every Kid Bro bloomed at once, like flowers touched by sunlight.
They all looked at me full of hope. “You mean this place will be our home from now on?”
“We can live here forever and ever?”
“Will our Female Parent stay here too?”
A whole crowd of sticky rice dumplings floating around you, acting spoiled like they’d come to a boil. How could anyone resist?
Anyway, I turned right around and went back to building the Planet.
I brought up the school idea with Sid and asked if he could buy some teaching materials.
The Kid Bros couldn’t live so carefree every day, it wasn’t good for them. I never had that kind of childhood, and I don’t recommend it either, honestly.
Sid looked at me apologetically, as if he’d made a mistake, though his eyes burned with a strange fervor. “That was my oversight. I only ever thought of this place as an ordinary base. I never imagined it could become the starting point of a new life.”
Mm-hmm, yes, yes, sure, sure. I’m used to you going off on tangents anytime, anywhere anyway.
Insects with tangential minds think flexibly, and Sid soon proposed, “Children are a minority, after all. We could also order a batch of other teaching materials and equipment so the Female Insects can master more skills.”
“Your call.” Don’t come to me with the thinking stuff!
As I carried Sid’s little farm gate over, ready to leave, I spotted the Star Pirate Contestant standing not far away, watching me with a complicated look on his face.
I asked what was wrong.
For once, the Star Pirate Contestant hesitated. “I’m not sure… whether I’ve misunderstood something.”
“Like what?”
Star Pirate Contestant: “I’ve realized… a person might be different from what I imagined.”
“You finally figured it out!” I sighed in relief.
Had someone finally noticed, like me, that Sid’s reading comprehension is absolute garbage?
But then I remembered that the Star Pirate Contestant and Sid used to be partners in crime when it came to poor reading comprehension, so I couldn’t help confirming with him. “Still, are you sure you’ve really seen through it this time?”
“True or false?”
The Star Pirate Contestant’s expression turned complicated, like a little car trapped in a dead end, spinning in circles at top speed until its engine overheated and broke down, his eyes going dead-fish.
Star Pirate Contestant: “I think I may have misunderstood again.”
Me: ?
What exactly are you misunderstanding?!
