Gu Xiaodeng had spent the last hour in a daze. During that time, Su Mingya’s hands, pulling down his sleeves, pulling him into an embrace, and all the verbal sparring with Yue Xunzhi, felt like they were blocked by an invisible barrier.
Su Xiaoyuan had also arrived at the Bamboo Courtyard midway, sitting there looking lost and awkward until Yue Xunzhi left. The moment Yue Xunzhi was gone, the Su family servants tactfully led him away.
When only the two of them remained in the inner hall, Su Mingya wrapped his arms around Gu Xiaodeng. Before he could even lower his head, he was pushed away.
“Are you angry?”
Gu Xiaodeng didn’t answer. He spread his hands open and sniffed himself. “It’s me. I smell like a little dog.”
He tried to leave his embrace, but Su Mingya tightened his hold forcefully. “I don’t mind.”
Gu Xiaodeng let himself be scooped onto Su Mingya’s lap. He thought for a moment, then tilted his head to look at him. “Then what does Young Master Su mind about me?”
“Nothing.” Su Mingya reached out and touched his earlobe.
“But minding nothing sounds just like not caring about anything.” Gu Xiaodeng leaned in closer and asked him bluntly, “Do you actually like me?”
He stared at Su Mingya, his gaze intense but unadorned, pure to the point of cruelty. Su Mingya was the one to look away first. He reached out and pressed Gu Xiaodeng into his chest, letting out a long sigh by his ear. “Little one, your birthday is in a few days. Why do you think I came back? Our bond has been so long. If I didn’t have feelings for you, why would I… endure the pressure from my family, refuse all the marriage proposals in Changluo? And you? Have you stopped liking me?”
Gu Xiaodeng, a little frustrated, pounded his fist against Su Mingya’s back. He couldn’t hold back the sob in his voice. “Can you let go of me? I can’t stand you even a little bit.”
Su Mingya only held him tighter. “No. Xiaodeng, give me some time, alright? Obstacles like Su Xiaoyuan, like Yue Xunzhi, I’ll solve them one by one sooner or later. Just wait a little longer for me, okay? Someday, I’ll hold your hand and walk openly into my estate. I want others to look up to you the way they look up to me. Your world is so simple, but mine is too complicated. I want to make this world simple, as bright and clear as you are.”
“You’re coaxing me!”
“But if I don’t coax you, who will? How many in the Gu family coax you? How many people in Changluo don’t look down on you?”
Gu Xiaodeng was speechless. He let Su Mingya pull him out to carefully wipe the tear stains away. “Xiaodeng, no one is as unable to live without you as I am. I… no one cherishes you more than I do.”
Su Mingya spoke with a hoarse, strained voice. The words “I like you” seemed like a deadly poison, as if uttering them would cause instant death.
He could only struggle, relying on instinct to hold onto Gu Xiaodeng tightly, urgently wanting him to feel the pressure of the situation and his own pressure. “Don’t be angry with me, okay? You don’t know, the Yue family has recently gained the Crown Princess’s favor. Yue Xunzhi just tried to propose to Gu Ruhui of your house, and after being rejected, he turned to propose to my third sister. The Su family managed to politely decline with great difficulty. Our Su Clan supports the Eastern Palace. From top to bottom, including me, we have no choice but to treat them courteously. We just have to endure this period. The Yue family’s influence won’t last long. When the time comes, we’ll settle new and old scores with Yue Xunzhi. We definitely will, alright?”
Gu Xiaodeng’s face was cupped in his hands. He now looked at him carefully. They’d been together for over four years, but this was the first time he saw anxiety and restrained melancholy on Su Mingya’s face. In the past, it was always him who was talkative and clingy. Su Mingya was always that gentle, refined, and noble young master untouched by worldly dust. When had anyone ever seen him so flustered?
At this moment, Gu Xiaodeng believed in his feelings and his helplessness. At the same time, he didn’t think someone as insignificant as himself could cause Su Mingya so much trouble. He just felt the world was too cold. He had originally thought that healing Su Mingya’s body would bring him peace and health. Now, he wondered, was it precisely because he was healthy that the mundane world swarmed in and overwhelmed him?
Feeling a little sad, he covered Su Mingya’s eyes. “Alright, alright! I don’t want to hear anymore! Your court affairs have nothing to do with me. Even if you tell me, I won’t understand. Young Master Su is a busy man now, why come to the Bamboo Courtyard? You don’t have to come anymore! Go back to your arena of fame and fortune, do your duty as the Eldest Young Master.”
Su Mingya fell silent. He didn’t remove his hands but leaned closer inch by inch, kissing the side of his face with longing and reluctance.
Gu Xiaodeng neither pulled his hands away nor let go of Su Mingya’s eyes. After a silent moment, Su Mingya kissed the bow of his lip. They kissed, unseen by each other.
Just as he said, they had a bond that lasted four years, after all.
If the Eldest Young Master Su could hold on firmly without letting go, Gu Xiaodeng’s foot, ready to step out, would hesitate for a moment too, thinking: if he truly likes me this much, why can’t I persist a little longer?
He liked him, and he liked him too. Throughout history, how many lovers have become a couple? What would one more pair matter?
If Su Mingya could accommodate him, then he could accept Changluo.
The midsummer of Tianming 17th year passed with few reunions with Su Mingya. It wasn’t just Su Mingya; Ge Dongchen and Guan Yunji were also spending less and less time at the academy. The maple leaves turned deep red. His brothers, lover, and friends were all heading towards unknown battlefields one by one. He remained at Vast Marsh Academy, holding the energetic Xiao Pei, occasionally thinking about what everyone’s future might look like.
Just as he was thinking this, Gu Shouyi, who usually kept his distance from him, suddenly came to see him one late autumn evening.
“Mother Consort is ill. She wants to see you. Come with me to West Prosperity Garden.”
Gu Xiaodeng was startled. He quickly walked up to him to ask for details. “It’s only October now. How could the Princess Consort be ill? Didn’t she usually fall sick around mid-November in previous years?”
Gu Shouyi looked at him with a cold, sharp gaze and turned away, lowering his voice with disgust. “And it’s all because of you!”
Gu Xiaodeng was baffled. He followed him, asking questions. “Xiao Wu, don’t make groundless accusations. The last time I paid respects to the Princess Consort was a month and a half ago. I couldn’t even see you all on the Double Ninth Festival. How could it be my fault?”
Gu Shouyi rarely spoke to him and usually disdained to. Hearing Gu Xiaodeng’s open and relentless questioning only irritated him more. He was an immature boy who could only catch shadows of rumors, yet he insisted on putting on an air of mature composure in front of his fourth brother.
Gu Xiaodeng kept pestering him with questions along the way. But as the youngest of the Gu family, any brilliance or edge he might possess was overshadowed by his four exceptionally talented older siblings. He didn’t receive much. Not only did he lack the doting affection usually given to the youngest in an ordinary family, but by the time the important family power was distributed to him, there was barely anything left.
His sense of superiority within the Gu family could only be exercised over Gu Xiaodeng.
He saw Gu Xiaodeng’s concern for An Ruoyi’s illness as pure hypocrisy. Halfway there, losing patience with the questions, he answered coldly, “You personally may not have left Vast Marsh Academy, but those filthy rumors about you fly everywhere. Mother Consort has been putting up with you for a long time. Do you dare to say you don’t know?”
Gu Xiaodeng’s steps slowed. He walked up and said, “Hey! You, a child, you believe those baseless lies too? The Princess Consort knows the truth in her heart. She knows I’m innocent.”
He moved a little closer, but Gu Shouyi jumped away as if his fur stood on end. “Don’t try to get chummy with me! I hate that look you have, that fawning willingness to cozy up to anyone!”
Gu Xiaodeng touched his nose. Gu Shouyi was only twelve now, much shorter than him. In his eyes, he was no different from a slightly older Xiao Pei. Others didn’t treat him as a child, but he couldn’t help viewing him as one, speaking with a lot more patience. “When did I ever do that? Even if I did, it’s not fawning. It’s just normal, ordinary friendliness.”
Gu Shouyi’s brow furrowed again and again. He turned his face away and quickened his pace. “I hate you.”
Gu Xiaodeng kept up with long strides. “Oh, I know. Then I won’t bother you anymore. Just take me to the Princess Consort.”
Gu Shouyi became like a kicked-over bucket, complaining as he walked—or perhaps making trouble out of nothing—accusing the most “useless” person in the Gu family to set off his own supposed nobility. “I hated your old ways, ignorant and incompetent, just imitating Fourth Brother. Don’t you ever think about what kind of person he is, and what you are? Are you worthy?”
Gu Xiaodeng coaxed, “Alright, alright. Not worthy.”
Gu Shouyi gritted his teeth. “…”
“I hate even more that you don’t learn the proper path, that your heart is set on the wicked path, seducing countless people!”
Gu Xiaodeng didn’t feel anger, only the urge to sigh. He half teased him, half debated. “What do you mean, seduce? I’ve been staying in the academy these past few years. You’ve only been here less than a year, sitting in the front row. How would you know what goes on in the last row?”
Gu Shouyi wouldn’t hear a word of it anyway. He just argued stubbornly. “You bewitched someone from the Su family—it’s already shameful! And you still occasionally get so close to someone from the Guan family! How many times has Mother Consort heard those unsavory rumors about you entangled with them? She’s been holding a bellyful of stifled anger all this time, and now, of course, it’s made her sick!”
Gu Xiaodeng listened with some confusion, his mind momentarily unable to process it. He could only shift the focus back to An Ruoyi’s illness. “When the Princess Consort fell ill before, the Second Young Lady was always there to tend her. Is the Second Young Lady here now?”
Gu Shouyi snorted. “You can’t even compare to Second Sister. Second Sister can navigate the court above and serve Mother Consort below. Although you’re nominally the Cousin Young Master and a man yourself, why can’t you learn from Fourth Brother and the others, earn scholarly honors, and achieve something?”
Gu Xiaodeng let out a dramatic sigh. “Exams, exams, exams. I was a late starter, wasn’t I? Let me study a few more years and then we can take the exams together, how about it? Did you look at that little booklet I gave you? Were my notes any good?”
Gu Shouyi didn’t answer. He walked in silence for a long while before letting out a harrumph with all the self-importance of a small person. “Didn’t look. No good.”
Gu Xiaodeng just smiled.
The two brothers traveled by carriage and rushed on foot, taking half a day just to get from Vast Marsh Academy to An Ruoyi’s courtyard.
Gu Xiaodeng walked through the courtyard layout that hadn’t changed in ten years. When he entered An Ruoyi’s sickroom, he saw her leaning against her sickbed pillow, holding Gu Ruhui’s hand.
“Shanqing is here.” Gu Ruhui noticed him first. She smiled lightly and withdrew her hand, standing up. “Mother Consort, I’ll go out then.”
“Mm.” An Ruoyi sighed softly. “Xiaodeng, come here.”
The servants, maids, and physicians in the room withdrew instantly leaving the room completely empty. Gu Xiaodeng felt an inexplicable pressure. He tried to lighten his footsteps as he moved to An Ruoyi’s sickbed, kneeling down to pay his respects while observing her complexion very carefully.
His heart ached. He thought, how had she gotten so sick, so withered and frail?
“Xiaodeng, Mother Consort called you here because there’s something I must tell you.” An Ruoyi stroked the top of his head.
Gu Xiaodeng sighed. “You’re sick, you should be resting properly. What major event could make you disregard your illness and call me here?”
“The Prince’s Estate wants to send you to the Second Prince’s estate, to be his servant concubine.”
Gu Xiaodeng blinked slowly.
An Ruoyi’s hand moved down to stroke his earlobe. “Ruhui will act as a man for you, achieving great things. You will act as a woman for Ruhui, making beds and folding quilts. Everyone in the world must play their part, must find their own way to survive.”
