Chapter 1: The First Day Without Meeting My Wife

◎A Helpless Male Insect Stranded on a Desolate Star◎

My name is 49, and never in a million years did I expect to transmigrate right when I was retiring with a fortune in the bank.

I transmigrated into the Zerg.

Back in the days when I unwound by reading web novels, I used to criticize this exact genre, because honestly, I couldn’t relate.

I also want sweet, fragrant chocolate milk, a bouncy soft wheat-colored pillow, and a big clingy pendant of a partner who’s soft on the outside and strong on the inside!

And now? Zerg novels are great. Zerg novels are AMAZING!

My good days are here!

Me: a quality 187-centimeter male, great stamina, zero domestic abuse, can cook, and I even know to buy my partner gifts!

The female insects of this world are going to be absolutely smitten with me!

Sure, I have a bit of a poker face and I’m flat broke, but I’m confident that within a month I’ll have a crowd of insects chasing after me. A year from now, I’ll be standing in a solemn national hall receiving a medal for my contributions to Zerg equality. Three years from now, I’ll be holding my wedding in a magnificent palace on some alien world, entering blissful marriage with my destined wife.

So even though I’m currently stranded on a planet with not a single insect in sight, I refuse to be discouraged.

I know this opening like the back of my hand!

My future wife will just so happen to be returning to the Capital Star after completing a mission, and he’ll notice the report on his aircraft’s radar: a lone male insect detected in this region.

My wife is probably a military female insect who never spares males a second glance, but that’s fine. He’ll be drawn in by my quality, which far surpasses the local males.

We’ll fall for each other while he suffers through his suppressed heat cycle. We’ll quietly pledge ourselves to each other amid all the wailing of the Male Insect Protection Association. And we’ll walk down the aisle while every other insect looks on in envy!

Three months passed…

I’ve already harvested three rounds of bok choy from my field, and the radishes are almost ready. WHERE IS MY FUTURE WIFE!!

Wife, is the radar on your ship broken or something? You’re supposed to be an outstanding insect who graduated with perfect marks in every subject! Slap the sensor array on your ship! Restart it if you have to!

Four months passed…

I am no longer who I once was.

Like a demon sealed in a bottle, the content of my prayers has changed. One wife is no longer enough to ease my disappointment with this world.

I’m going to marry two!

Wait, is that a little immoral…? Hey, I’ve already transmigrated into the Zerg. What do I care about insect morality!

But what if my wife gets sad about it?

Fine, then I’ll just punish him by making him play both roles.

Hehe, you little rascal. Who knows, he might even see it as a reward.

You know, the radishes grown in this Desolate Star soil are actually pretty tasty. (Munch munch munch)

Six months passed…

Eating a crisp, sweet watermelon fresh from the field and listening to the clucking of chickens and ducks behind my fence, I finally achieved enlightenment.

I had the wrong opening all along!

The script I was actually living was this: a resilient male insect living alone on a Desolate Star builds a utopia for no one but himself, then picks up a gravely injured wife whose aircraft was sabotaged and crashed by some evil insect. His wife, who had long since sealed away his heart, is healed by me in this pastoral setting. Once his wounds heal, we return to the Capital Star together, reclaim everything that rightfully belongs to him, punish the villains, and live happily ever after.

Sure enough, not many days later, I heard a strange thud of something heavy hitting the ground outside.

I straightened my collar, smoothed my hair, and pushed open the door with my best puzzled expression, presenting myself in peak condition.

Seven parts accidental, three parts alluring.

Now, when facing a female insect, should I smile peaceably and show off my broad-mindedness, or blush shyly and display my immaculate male virtue?

Outside stood two fierce-looking female insects, one scarred, one with blotchy skin.

I shut the door.

This was not the wife I was waiting for.

From outside came indistinct chatter and sinister snickering. I understood at once: they had clearly fallen head over heels for my handsome face at first sight and were plotting something unspeakable.

After all, a lone, high-quality male insect like me was a prize far beyond the reach of desperados like them, female insects who looked like hardened criminals at a glance.

I waited several minutes, sweat beading on the handle of my hammer, but the two female insects still hadn’t broken down the door.

I leaned sideways to peek out the window. The two of them were standing in my field… voraciously devouring my vegetables.

Damn it all. Was my charm worth less than vegetables in their eyes?!

I’ll kill them!

Seconds later, both female insects were flat on the ground. I silently stood over them, hammer in hand. “I’ll give you one more chance.”

Mocking ME! Coveting MY beauty!

Scarface sputtered, “Are you a female insect or a male insect?! How are you this strong?!”

I raised my fist and punched him again.

I let you compliment my charm. I did not let you question my gender.

The blotchy-skinned one, apparently the lackey, obsequiously helped Scarface up. “Boss, Boss, aren’t androgynous female insects all the trend right now? I bet he’s one of those.” At that point he shot me a glance and lowered his voice. “Besides, he lives out here all alone. Maybe he’s gone crazy from craving a male.”

I punched him too. Then, after a moment’s thought, still feeling angry, I gave Scarface another one.

Scarface yelped, “Why me again!”

Me: “The lackey errs, the boss pays. What’s wrong with that rule?”

The lackey’s heart ached for his boss. “Was I wrong though?! If you’re really a male insect, then prove it! You don’t have a trace of pheromone scent on you!”

Judging by appearance was standard practice, after all. Male insects being slender and beautiful was common knowledge.

Of course, there were the occasional obese ones, but since female insects rarely got raised into that state, they were also easy to tell apart at a glance.

The most fundamental distinction between female and male insects, however, was pheromones and the Insect Mark.

An adult insect releasing pheromones usually carried the meaning of courtship.

Sometimes they also released pheromones to intimidate other insects.

But I’ve watched nature documentaries! Intimidation at its core is still courtship!

So I threw another punch. “You filthy pervert.”

Since I transmigrated with my body, I can’t release pheromones yet, but in the near future I will absolutely succeed!

Coveting my pheromones, trying to lure me into betraying my virtue? Not a chance!

Looking at the two rogues before me, one Crooked Melon and one Cracked Date, neither obviously up to any good, I felt I had regained control of the script: a military female insect pursuing star pirates is shocked to discover that the pirates don’t just plunder wealth, they also kidnap male insects! Furious, he launches a full-scale assault to rescue me. Afterwards, the whole interstellar realm learns that the male insect is a frail yet resilient Unregistered Citizen, and everyone’s hearts break! Full investigation! How did such a precious male insect end up stranded on a Desolate Star?!

So hard to guess. In that case, will my wife end up being the Emperor or the General…

My wife still hasn’t shown up, but the script keeps growing longer.

No matter! This time the script is guaranteed to be right!

Cherishing my hopes for a beautiful romance, I decided to greet the gaze of the entire interstellar population in the finest possible form.

On camera, I should be a beauty whose lashes tremble like butterfly wings and whose skin is white as mutton-fat jade, standing among the military female insects like a pearl glowing with soft light.

I can’t keep farming every day! What if my skin gets rough?!

So…

I kicked Crooked Melon and Cracked Date, one each. “Get to farming.”

Starting today, I am done with manual labor.

But considering that drinking milk daily would give my skin a better texture, I went out and hunted down a few cow-and-sheep-like creatures.

Thinking that ample nutrition would sculpt my muscles into more graceful lines, I went into the mountains and caught a flock of chickens and ducks.

But a male insect gorging on meat isn’t a good look. Eating fish makes one seem smarter.

So I dug a fish pond and stocked it with fry scooped from the river.

A month later, after knocking Cracked Date flat for trying to slaughter my prize-laying hen, I felt something wasn’t right.

WHERE IS MY WIFE!

“When you two fled here, how far behind you was the army chasing you?”

Crooked Melon gnawed on a corn cob. “What army? We crashed because our ship broke down.”

My blood pressure climbed steadily.

Me: “You weren’t shot down by the military chasing you?”

Cracked Date, his face a mess of bruises, said, “No way, we only do a little petty theft. If the military were chasing anyone, it’d be our Boss, not us.”

My wife is a peerless hero who hunts star pirates. I always knew that one day he would come to marry me aboard a dazzling starcraft. I guessed the beginning right, but I… I can master the ending too, without fail!

The story must go like this: my wife is a lone hero undercover in a star pirate crew that commits every crime imaginable. One day, he suddenly discovers that the pirates have kidnapped a male insect! Unable to turn a blind eye, he quietly protects me. I go from wary of him at first to dependent on him later. And then, at last, the Federation’s army arrives! The villains are brought to justice, and my wife and I walk down the aisle!

So the most urgent task at hand is getting myself kidnapped.

I shifted my gaze to Crooked Melon and Cracked Date.

Me: “Kidnap me.”